mari's roundabout essence

another day another dollar . . .

2009-10-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

it's a bit personal, but i feel i need to write about this on here. maybe someone else is suffering from the same .

i am 5'7. i weigh 135lbs. i would like to weigh 119lbs, however this has been a long time fictional dream and never one i have achieved. i eat what i want when i want and i don't diet. i come from good hearty peasant stock and i am happy. but, in the back of my mind i am always wanting to weigh 119lbs.

why?

because about 25 years ago i read in a magazine that christie brinkley weighed 119lbs. i think it was about the time she was marrying billy joel, so it was a long time ago. anyway, that weight has stuck in my mind and i have never let it go. i have never been close to that weight. i have weighed this 135lbs since forever and ever and ever amen. it doesn't change. i weigh the same and i am a size 4-8 off the rack depending on the brand. i am happy. really i am.

i just want to step on the scale and see the number 119 flash before me. i don't want to read 135. i want to read 119.

how does one get there?

i don't diet. i don't watch what i eat. i don't count carbs or calories. i eat. i eat what i want. i eat what i want when i want. i eat however much i want until i am full and then i stop.

i don't even know how to begin a diet. how pitiful is that? so, here i am beginning a diet. a diet to try and get to 119lbs. how long will this take? i have no idea. it may take a few weeks? maybe a few months? longer?

i'll keep you posted.

monday . . .

2009-10-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

i am now officially a re-entry student. that is the polite term for people over 25 who decide to return to school. it's better than referring to myself as a middle-aged mom deciding to make a career change over 50. i'm not the oldest in the program, but then i didn't expect to be. the average grad student is 42. i think when i was in grad school, the first time around, the average age was 32. i was a young grad student back then. now i am old(er).

school started last thursday and i love it! i love being in school. i love learning. there isn't anything i don't love about it. did i tell you that i love school?

the only thin i don't like is the commute. while i don't live far from seattle, last thursday i left at 3:30pm. bad time to leave. I need to leave here about 2:00, and then go sit in starbucks or the library and do some reading and homework. i'd rather sit studying than sit in traffic.

i spent about 6 hours this weekend doing homework, but i am done with what i needed to be ready for class tuesday. i have two classes. one is an intro to paralegal studies and basically learning the two court systems we have--thoroughly and in depth. the second is legal research and writing. total of 9 hours per week of school and then about 2 hours of study per hour of class. i don't know how i would do it if i were working too. it will work for me though.

re-entry student. i think my blog may have just discovered what it's theme could be. maybe.

tuesday thoughts

2009-09-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

a death in the family is hard. emotionally draining. i'm trying to be there for both the boys when they need to talk. dylan calls and seems to just want to know i'm on the other end of the phone.. i am.

i was going over to seattle to spend some time with zak today, but he called letting me know he really wanted to keep his appointment with his therapist and the he had a lot to do getting ready to leave tomorrow. i'm glad he and dylan will be together with the rest of the family. their dad's family has the required dysfunctional member that likes to stir the pot and triangulate when she breezes into town. i told the boys to protect their dad from her this weekend.

as i am not heading into seattle i need to think about dinner. of course it's already 7:40pm, and i haven't moved into thinking mode as of yet. pizza? frankie's pizza it is. most of the time i live as a vegetarian. not for any reason other than i am a recovered eating disorder girl, and most of the time the texture of meat doesn't sit right with me. but once in a while i do crave a really good hamburger--a really good one. there is a restaurant here in town that i happen to love one particular burger in, but for take out, which tonight is, mr. roll won't go for spending $28 on a take out hamburger. i can appreciate this. my favorite fast food burger would be burger king, but the one we had in town closed up overnight and left. we all miss it. i like the whopper even if i can only eat 1/4 of it! and i have tried the junior whopper, but it is not the same. as much as i would like my fav burger tonight, i think it is pizza. even writing this paragraph didn't convince me i need i burger.

i think i have finally separated myself from jennifer mckinney's blog. finally. it took me weeks to stop reading that trash. i could rake her over the coals here, but i won't. this is my blog after all and i can write what i want, but i'm really not a mean spirited person and that is one of the things jennifer was bringing out in me. she does that. the story telling. the not telling quite the truth or changing it slightly with each telling, as if she either can't remember what she said or she likes knowing that her readers know she changes the truth. whatever. jennifer lives in her own little world of misery. i don't want to enable it. goodbye jennifer mckinney.

sad news . . .

2009-09-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

tonight the call came that one never expects and certainly doesn't to get. zak called me to tell me his granannie died. granannie is his dad's mom, and she was a very special grandma to my boys. dylan called me right afterwards and he was silent. silent in shock. i called their dad and had a long long talk with him. he too is in shock.

granannie and grandpa were both 81. they were on a canoe trip in Virginia, having recently returned from costa rica. they never sat still for long. they had a vineyard in paso robles so they could make wine. always busy. always on the go.

granannie died while they were taking a lunch break, and hiking up a hill. grandpa went ahead to get a picture of granannie with the water and canoe in the background. when he turned around she was on the ground. apparently she had a heart attack and died instantly. doing what she loved to do.

both the boys feel good that they saw their grandparents this summer and had a very good visit with them.

it's a loss to my boys and their family.

Sunday Sonshine

2009-09-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

i had a good day today. a day free from the trappings of meniere's disease (MM). i woke up and spent some time lounging around reading "the kennedy women". school begins on thursday so i am on a timeline to get these 800+ pages finished.

mr. roll and i took the dogs out for a long walk. well, at long walk as for as our little town in concerned. we walked down to starbucks and then sat out in the warm sun for about 2 hours talking. talking about the future and what not. i am feeling the need to have some of my family around to help us with mom. i think my saying those words aloud caused mr. roll to lose his breath and catch it. he has never in 11 years of knowing me heard me utter those words in regard to my family.

i have never lived by my family. i left in 1975 for u.c. berkeley and stayed after two graduations. i have never lived by my family, nor have i ever had any desire to. my parents visited us every three months and we visited them on holidays and summers. i called my mom practically every day. the perfect long distance relationship with my parents. my sisters i actually ignored. i was the only one of us to go to college, and then graduate school. i followed the tradition of my mom who had done the same. my five siblings married young and had children. many small children. one of them doesn't even have her GED. i wish she would get it. i was a snob, married to a ph.d and berkeley was our life. i had no time for my sisters. when i saw them on holidays i was remote and distant, speaking when spoken to, never initiating conversations.

that has changed now, thank god. laura and shannon are my safety net. i'm 51, laura is 50, and shannon is 49. come november, laura will be 51, and december shannon will be 50. you can see how close we all are in age. too close.

friday while i was on the phone with laura, i casually mentioned to her that i wish she and her husband, dennis, would move out here. they are in missouri, and they have one daughter living there and three grandkids. they have a son in seattle, and another son in texas. i need laura to move out here to seattle. jake, their son, was visiting them for two weeks and he was talking to them about moving to seattle. i feel like have jake in my corner to talk them into it. there is no work in missouri. laura is a waitress where, in missouri, the average tip is $.50. dennis is a house painter, but no one is spending money now on things like that.

laura was encouraged to think about it. there is nothing for them in missouri. the grandkids can visit on holidays and summer vacations. li suggested we (phil and i) get a larger house we can all live in together. laura will take care of mom while i am in school, and we will pay her for this, just as we pay a caregiver now. laura like this plan.

for a woman who has never wanted to live around family, this seems like it can work. i need someone in my family pick up the ball and help me, and laura doesn't see it as picking up the ball, but as a blessing.

finally friday, i think . . .

2009-09-25T17:59:00.000-07:00

this is my sister laura and me, taken last november 1st, in las vegas. i am the taller one with the pink scarf around my neck. it was the evening of mom's 90th birthday party. we are 9 months apart in age, and some would refer to us as irish twins. we've always been close, but in the past we've also had some differences. this all began about the time i was graduating from high school and planning on college, and she has one year left. i went on to college and laura went on to drugs. we lost our connection to each other for a while.

i am #3 of 6 girls, and laura is #4. we are both the middle child, however i my personality is more of the first born, while hers is more of the real middle child. we've never been into all the stuff, and the family calls us the middle girls. 6 daughters--poor dad :)

laura has cleaned up beautifully. oh, it didn't happen overnight. in fact she's been in an out of rehab more times than i probably know about, but she has been clean for 3 years now. the longest she has ever gone. she hit rock bottom, and it was fix herself or die alone. she fixed herself. it is such a joy to see her now. we're close again. we talk. we share. we even complain about the problem sister on occasion.

today began on a stressful note with mom having a panic attack. i calmed her down and gave her the meds she is take when having one and put her to bed to sleep it off. mr. roll was working at home today so i left him in charge and i took off for some alone time at starbucks. i was sitting there with my book in one of the comfy chairs, but i couldn't get comfortable and i couldn't stay with my book from one paragraph to the next. i gathered all my things and went outside into the sunshine, sat down and called laura. she spent 2 hours with me on the phone. she let me vent, and cry, and talk, and then we laughed and talked about happy things. fun things.

today i realized how lucky i am to have her back in my life. sisters.

thursday it is . . .

2009-09-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

thursday does mean that it is almost friday, right? the weekend is almost here.

it's been a busy week in that i usually have very little to do, but this week has been full. between mom being in the hospital and having tickets to all sorts of events i've just not been home a lot in the evenings.

tuesday night was pearl jam. always good. always. always. did i tell you pearl jam is always good? excellent.

wednesday night was the pnw ballet, romeo and juliete. a friend of my son's is a principal dancer with the ballet and she offered us an invitation to the dress rehearsal. we could pick our own seats so we sat in the 6th row, center. beautiful. it wasn't a traditional performance, but rather creative and i did have some issue with that, but the dancing was beautiful. i love the ballet, and every time zak goes i bug him about taking me, and last night he did.

speaking of zak, guess what he is doing today? he's on blake island with forbes top 100 ceo's, hosted by bill gates and paul allen, and the other special guest is the president of japan. bizarre. the company zak works for opens the event center on the island and they are holding the summit meeting there, and they hand selected 10 waiters to go over with them. zak is not a waiter, he is a boson and he manges two boats for the company, but they picked him and he's going. the amazing thing is that each of the servers has their gratuity added on the charge and they each walk away with $1850, and, in the past when bill gates has used the boats for meetings he always gives out envelopes of holding a cash "tip" into the gratuity built into the company charge for the event. sweet.

zak is leaving for barcelona on tuesday, so this little but of cash news came in handy.

they love to travel by boys do. they are planning to go to cuba in november over thanksgiving. i'm not thrilled they are missing thanksgiving with me, but they will be having a grand time together in cuba.

monday . . .

2009-09-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

this morning mr. roll and i got up early and headed into the hospital to see mom. she had a stress test and then pictures taken of her heart, and they are keeping her again tonight for observation, and to run partII of the stress test tomorrow. we left to come home about 3;00pm., exhausted, can i tell you how exhausting it is to be at the hospital all day, sitting there doing absolutely nothing. mr. roll and i both had our book and while he was able to read his, i couldn't concentrate for anything. it felt good to come home and collapse on the safe with the house all to myself.

tomorrow morning i will be back to the hospital, and hopefully will be able to bring mom home.

the weather is so warm today and even going to be warmer tomorrow. where is our rain? today is the last day of summer, but i am so ready for fall at this point. we've had such a dry summer and this has produced flies. flies in numbers i have never seen before. we don't have screens in seattle. we don't have insects. we don't have bugs. we don't have things crawling through our homes or flying around driving us nuts. not until this summer. not enough rain to kill them all off and they have procreated by the 1000's. i actually had to purchase a fly swat and fly spray. these flies are making me crazy buzzing all over the place. pesty annoying things they are.

pearl jam tomorrow night. local home grown band and i love them. tomorrow night we will be there. then some night this week we are going to see wicked with my son zak. he needs to tell me when though. we have free tickets to the play as the cast took a tour on zak's boat and he spoke with one of the actors telling her how much we love musicals and when we've been in nyc visiting my older son we can never get tickets to wicked. she offered us great seats and backstage tour, and all we have to do is pick up the tickets at will-call. i like this.

tonight it's just mr. roll and i for dinner, and he has his men's woodworking group, so dinner will be late. he's working on a rocking chair for an auction coming up in two weeks. two years ago he made them one and it went for $2800, so hopefully this one will do well too regardless of the economy. his rocking chairs are mission style and they are beautiful. after the auction he can get back to work on my (our) living room furniture--all mission style. and as for dinner it is chicken enchiladas with a chili verde sauce. very good in deed.

Sunday Sonshine

2009-09-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

the mariners won today. mariners 7 -- yankees 1. it was a fun game. graffey hit a home run and had another run in there some place too. alex was booed every time he walked to bat, or walked to the field. alex is not well liked in seatown, and he knows it. in fact i wonder if alex is actually liked at any ball park who walks onto?

before i go on with today let me tell you about robin. robin has just hosted her 200th blog post and is having a giveaway, so be sure to check her out at http://alabamaslackermama.blogspot.com

we left the house this morning and mom was fine. she was here and i left her instructions to just stay down on the sofa, in the family room, until we came home from the baseball game. the dogs were here with her. we came home from the game and mom was no where to be found, but we did find a card from the fire department in out front door. we raced off to the hospital but she wasn't there. i called the card and the told me they had taken mom into auburn thinking she was having a heart

attack.

quilt.

scared.

we raced off to the hospital in auburn and found mom already admitted to a room on floor 3. she was happy to see us when we walked in. they do believe she has had a heart attack, but will know more tomorrow. the doctor doess think she has probably had a heart attack. i am happy to have her a larger hosital then the tiny one here in enumblaw.

we'll know more tommorw.

finally friday, i think . . .

2009-09-18T16:53:00.000-07:00

some of my family

i cannot believe i've gone almost an entire week without blogging. not like me at all. while i keep a handwritten journal, i also like to keep this one as a way to connect and make online friends. i don't have a huge reader following, in fact it is quite dismal in numbers, but in spirit it is far greater. i am so appreciative of the readers i have. i like my readers very much.

family. i have started reading "the kennedy women" this week. it's about 1000 pages and begins with bridget kennedy coming from ireland. i am hooked on it. i'm on about page 175, so i have long to go before completing it, but i am loving the history. i am so, in some small fashion, even embracing my own irish history. you see my paternal grandmother, mary kelley, immigrated from ireland in the late 1800's aboard a ship bringing her to a new life in america. wow. i don't know that i have the strength of nature to do what these women did. my family didn't fair as well as the kennedy's managed to, but a family they were nonetheless.

my father was the 2nd of 15 children born to my grandmaother. not close to her at all. in fact, after she divorced my grandfather she promptly dropped her children at an orphanage in southern california and fled to begin her own new life in california. that is as much as i really have ever cared to know about her or her life for a long long time. then a few years ago i was in minneapolis, at the mall of america, with my oldest son dylan and there was a native american dance performance happening in the center. i sat and watched for the longest time and dylan and i began talking about our own family traditions and history. at the time i was also taking a french cooking class and diong all things french, as i had been raised to do by my very french mother and her family. dylan questioned why i never explored the irish side of my self, and my only response was that i didn't consider myself irish only french. i am french.

one only need took at me to see i am very irish. i am a big boned pheasant stock girl. i am not the petite slim girl that all my sisters are. while they are, all five of them, 5'2 ands under, and a mere 85-100lbs, i am a stocky 5'7 130lbs. they like to refer to me as the amazon woman in the family. i am the exact replica of my paternal grandmother, even bearing the same name. i have since, that conversation with dylan, developed a keen interest in all things irish and i am slowly coming to grips with the fact that i am not only of french heritage, but of irish too. and it's not bad. i think it is the french in me that often times makes me cringe at knowing something else has worked it's way into my blood flow. but it is good.

one of the aspects of this kennedy book i am enjoying is the closeness of the family. family is everything. we are six girls, and for the most part we are close. sticking together through it all. we are constance, jennifer, marileigh (me), laura, shannon, kathyn. laura and i are merely nine months apart in age. irish twins as we are called. we are all blondes, and while most have blue eyes, i have green and shannon has brown. we share clothes, we share make-up, we share our lives together. we also get mad and don't speak. laura and kathy were so mad one time they didn't speak for seven years, finally making up with our father passed. how sad to let one small disagreement keep you apart from those you love.

shannon is my very best friend. her children and my children are close to each other. their other cousins they are not so close to, but they would be for them if the need were to arise. family is important to us.

speaking of family, i think i need to call shannon.

saturday at last

2009-09-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

today was so warm and sunny outside. it was the perfect day for a picnic in the park, which is exactly what our church did. we held a sunday school kickoff bbq in a park right by the church, and right in front of the town library. we had lots of those giant air filled jumping things that kids like to much. we had hamburgers and hotdogs and chips. there was also a car show going on downtown so a lot of families were there too and would stop by the bbq for something to eat and the kids could play.

we took our three dogs with us, and mom of course. mom was able to sit and visit with her crowd of friends giving mr. roll and i the rare opportunity to visit with ours. mr. roll bought food bands for the dogs so they too could enjoy a hotdog or two. i appreciated him doing this as i was concerned they would beg, and i didn't want that. the dogs were well behaved and i think people were happy that our doggies didn't disrupt the fun. lucy, our hound, was especially happy that one little girl named hannah spent much of the afternoon sitting my her and rubbing her. lucy was so pleased she even rolled on her back so hannah could get to her tummy. hannah was please when mr. roll told her that lucy must really like her a lot if she rolled on her back.

i enjoyed being able to sit in the sun and enjoy talking to two of my closest friends at church, debbie and judy. we're all the same age and they were my first two friends i made when i moved to this town. debbie's husband troy is mr. roll's closest friend here in town.

book club was on friday afternoon and while i didn't care of the book, "losing julia", i did read it. book club is good at getting me to read outside my comfort zone. there are 9 of us in book club and only two, of the women, liked the book. i didn't, but i did like that the story took place during WW1. i am not an expert on WW1, and i appreciated that this book triggered something in me to read more about about that time period. probably i will look for a non-fiction historical documentary type book to read. i know, how boring can i be.

our book club meets at sip city, right downtown. we do wine tasting while we enjoy conversing about our book. i live in a very small town, slightly south east from seattle. many of the people who live out here commute into seattle for work, including mr. roll, and i will be commuting into UW for school in a couple of weeks. but being a small town and that we meet on friday 4-6, once a month in the wine shop, we often times have fellow neighbors or church friends or simply people we know come in and join us in conversation. it is a lot of fun.

mr. roll and i are trying to decide whether or not to go to the rodeo tomorrow at the fair over in puyallup. i usually love the rodeo, but i don't want to go to the fair on a sunday afternoon--it will be too crowded. i'd rather we go one day during the week when it won't be crowded. mr. roll will take a vacation day and we'll spend the afternoon at the fair. so i think i solved my own problem and we won't go tomorrow. good decision.

i talked to my oldest son dylan on friday too. friday was a good day it seems. he's busy with work. the film he was going to be working on was cancelled due to the studio, or whoever controls all the money, refusing to pay certain high salaries. i'm sure there is a lot more involved, but in essence it was canceled over money and the studio not wanting to spend anymore than they were. dylan then took on a television show. little background . . . dylan has done television work and hated it. after he graduated from college and he moved to nyc he had a job with a&e and he edited "dog the bounty hunter. i can't even tell you how he felt about that show and the people in it. hated it. while at a&e he also did some show about wife swapping and another one a few other reality shows. then he went to mtv and did more reality tv. he finally graduated to film and has been doing film editing for a few years now, and he loves what he does. he's doing this television show and it's not reality tv, and he's enjoying it. the show is called 3rd-rock. he had another film coming up and will be out of the country on that, but in the meantime he is enjoying the tv show. he told me i need to watch it and assured me it is a good show. i will watch it this week.

wednesday wine

2009-09-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

i don't really know why i haven't blogged in almost a week. other than an episode of meniere's on monday i have been doing well, in general.

on monday, being as it was a holiday and mr. roll had the day off, we headed into tukwilla too barnes & noble. i needed to pick up my book club book, "losing julia" as book club is this friday and i hadn't even bought the book yet. good grief, this is not the way i usually operate. and i wanted to see if i could find book 8 & 9 of the sookie stackhouse series. no luck with any of them. losing julia is out of print, so i came home and ordered it on amazon. books 8 & 9 were out of stock, and luckily i had already ordered them from amazon, i was just a bit impatient for book 9 to arrive, and my son wanted me to pick them up for him too.

kindle anyone? have you heard of kindle? do you have one? i got one as a free gift from my son. amazon held some sort of important meeting on one of his boats, and they passed out the kindles to everyone and the leftovers were offered to the crew, and he got one for me too. lucky me. i love it. you simply type int he book title and click to pay $6.99 and it's downloaded immediately. to try it out i downloaded book #8, of sooke stackhouse, and it appeared. it took me about 30 seconds to get used to the book being on a screen and not paper. then i discovered that if i plug my ipod ears into the kindle i get the book on audio. i've never done a book on audio and i have a little trouble staying with the reading so i don't know that i will use it often, but it's still cool. this kindle has been sitting in the pile in my dining room for at least 6 months, and i finally tried it out and i enjoy it. if you don't have one yet, go get one. i say that with no idea how much they cost.

this afternoon we were off to the oncologist to see how mr. roll's tests last week turned out. nothing has changed so we are happy. this is the first time his cancer has pretty much stayed at bay. it seems to be simply sitting there doing nothing. not growing. not spreading. but it is there nonetheless. mr. roll is still refusing chemo as he likes having his life back too much. i like it too and as long as the dr. is agreeable to no chemo, we're good.

you have no idea how much we are appreciating the fact that we can make plans and keep them. as a surprise i bought mr. roll baseball series tickets for the mariners/yankees series coming up the weekend after next. we haven't been able to do something like this in 5 years. it's exciting. this weekend we are going to the cougar game, saturday, at quest field. on sunday we're going to seahawks game. i am not a football fan, but i will go to be with mr. roll and i will love watching him being able to have fun.

my study guide books for the lsat arrived this week. scary looking. mom oh mom, do i have to learn how to think again. wow. i thumbed through and i realize how much studying i need to do before i attempt to take this exam. but i am feeling good at having made this decision to pursue law school. age doesn't matter one bit. mr. roll is so supportive of this decision and i feel so blessed to have him by my side.

speaking of school, tomorrow i have to get registered for my classes at university of washington. very exciting.

thursday it is . . .

2009-09-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

this morning it was pampering time. i took mom and we had our nails done, and i had a pedicure too. mom doesn't like pedicures so she sat with a cup of coffee and waited while i had that. then i had my eyebrows waxed. my gosh they needed to be waxed. i feel fresh and new.

i went by the market on the way home to pick up some groceries. mom was pretty tired from getting her nails done so she waited in the car and rushed through as to not make her sit too long in the car. of course after i got home i remembered all the other items on my list. oh well, i can go back after mr. roll gets home. and i can sneak into the tanning salon too. it's all good.

i love top chef. due to the fact that mr. roll likes to watch something on wednesday nights i watch top chef on thursday. i have episode 3 on right now. some of these chefs are so arrogant and then others i can't fathom how they even made it onto the show to begin with? i always try to imagine what i would make when they're given the ingredients. i imagine how i would react to the other chefs and their temperaments and attitudes. could i remain nice? i'd do better on iron chef, another favorite show that mr. roll and i like to watch together. my fantasy is be a world famous chef. sometimes when i'm cooking dinner, in my kitchen, i pretend i am speaking to a television audience. talking. joking. explaining. it's fun. back the top chef chef's creating something with potatoes.

tonights dinner is an old standby, chicken with cream of mushroom soup. remember this dish? it was a staple when i was growing up, and even when my kids were growing up. i've tried, over the years, to fancy it up a bit by adding garlic, adding sour cream, adding red wine, adding some artichoke hearts. don't get me wrong, all the additions were delicious, but chicken and cream of mushroom soup taste good standing alone. tonight it stands alone. i bought some regular white rice to have with it. i can't remember the last time i made regular white rice? tonight it is.

wednesday, let's play ball, mariners baseball

2009-09-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

and they won. of course it was 0/0 until the 7th inning when the mariners finally scored. we love baseball, and we specially love going to the games together.

last thursday mr. roll came home from work and told me he had a surprise for me. mariners tickets. section 134, row 32--right behind home plate. good.

when we were dating and commuting between berkeley and seattle to see each other every other week, one thing we did a lof of during spring and summer, was go to baseball games. when mr. roll came to berkeley we headed the oakland a's. when i would go up to seattle, we headed for the seattle mariners. and for the record, i introduced mr. roll to garlic fries in oakland, long before they finally arrived at safeco field.

baseball has been not much more than a fond memory since 1991, for us due to mr. roll's cancer. these past few years have been a struggle for him health wise between 8+ surgeries where he is in the hospital for an entire week, and the chemo. the chemo. the ironic thing about the chemo is that it is given to hopefully preserve his life, and yet it makes him feel as if his life is over. it robs him of his health. robs him of a life. robbed him of an immune system so going into crowds was not something he could do. and watching sports on television just isn't the same as being there.

even harder to give up than the mariners, was his not being able to go to his beloved hockey. oh my gosh does mr. roll love hockey. i think it's because he's from minneapolis. all that snow. all those frozen lakes. the frozen tundra it is, and he loved playing hockey. he loves watching hockey. seattle does not have a nhl team, but seattle does have a junior league team, the seattle thunderbirds. we go. we love. we have missed.

i had never been to a hockey game until i met and began dating mr. roll. tonight i am going to buy him (us) short season tickets. october will be here before we know it and hockey season will be upon us.

mr. roll stopped chemo back in december when i developed septic shock. he decided he couldn't be with me all the time and do chemo too. he discussed it all, of course, with his oncologist (who came into icu, while i was in a coma, to see me and to visit with mr. roll, and ended up sitting and talking to him 2 hours. not only is he a brilliant dr., but his bedside manner is the best.) the dr. would have liked mr. roll to start back on his chemo regimen months ago, but mr. roll said "no". he has been on chemo since september 2002, only missing about 15 weeks in these years that he was on a "break". the chemo is hard. he's sick. he lost so much weight. no energy. life pretty much came to a standstill. since he's been off the chemo now he is feeling so good. he feels like he has a life again. so, in agreement with me and his oncologist he has a ct scan every two months and the current tumor is looked at closely for changes. so far no changes. so far it's all good.

we talked on the way home, from the baseball game, and we're ready to step back into enjoying being out in large crowds. or at least baseball and hockey crowds.

tuesday thoughts

2009-09-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

school begins, not granted i don't have children at home but school did begin this week, and i have the stomach bug. yuck. the only time i got up today was to take a shower and go to occupational therapy for craniosacral therapy. it always makes me feel like i've run a 10k, but i also feel better too so i went. i actually feel asleep during the procedure. came home and slept for 3 more hours.

mr. roll came home from work and brought me an oreo mcflurry, which i tried to eat but couldn't. i love soft ice cream and especially dairy queen which we don't have in our little village, so i sometimes settle for a mcflurry. it was the thought that counts. a lot. he also made me some vegetable soup for dinner which i did eat. it felt good to eat and keep something down. maybe i am on the upswing here. i hope

we have tickets to the mariniers game tomorrow afternoon. they are playing the angels. i was hoping they were playing the a's when i first glanced at the tickets--the a's are my team. i lived in berkeley for 30 years and the a's have it!!! it will be fun regardless, i just hope i am feeling better so i can enjoy it.

one of zak's best friends will be at the game too. he said he'd text mr. roll to meet for a beer. he's a smart young man because he knows if he meets up with mr. roll, that mr. roll will buy him a beer. actually this isn't just one of zak's friends, it is also his roommate and our other son.

this is about it for me tonight. not feeling well enough to lay here with the laptop on top of me and try to type.

peace out.

monday . . .

2009-08-31T16:33:00.000-07:00

buckwheat blueberry pancakes (recipe below)

i have been fighting the stomach flu for two days now. it started in sunday and today i still am not feeling bed. in fact i haven't even gotten out of bed today. here in bed with my laptop. mr. roll is so good to me when he came in this morning to tell me goodbye, as he was leaving for work, he brought my laptop in for me. he even plugged it in and set it on the bed, within my reach, so that when i felt up to it i could keep myself entertained.

harley is here beside me. laptop is here. i spent most of the day watching all 8 episodes of season three of the tudors. a favorite show of mine on showtime. it could also be called the life and times of henry the 8th. i was disappointed to see that episode 8 came with the demise of thomas cromwell, not because i love thomas cromwell but i love the actor that portrays sir cromwell, james fairn. all good things must come to an end.

tomorrow i am planning to take bear, another of our dogs, with me over to seattle and hang out with zak. he has the day off so we're going to do coffee at peet's, then take the dogs for a walk around greenlake, which is by his house. at some point we'll go to the snappy dragon for food. the snappy dragon is the best chinese food ever--they make their own noodles and their pot stickers are the best i have ever tasted.

when i was in the hospital, with the septic shock, i was eventually moved from icu to a regular room and i remember waking up one afternoon and zak was there and i could smell the most delicious pot stickers. i hadn't been eating much and zak thought i might do better if i had something i really liked so he brought me pot stickers from the snappy dragon and he fed me. as a result of septic shock i lost my motor skills and had to relearn things like walking and feeding myself. my 25 year old son brought me and fed me one of my favorite foods. remembering this makes me cry.

speaking of parents and children . . . i have met an incredible family online. bill and victoria strong and their almost 2 year old daughter gwendolyn. gwendolyn has sma and their blog is about their family and about their fight to educate the public about sma and to fight for a cure. they are truely amazing and i have come to love them, through their blog. they never ask for anything, so don't think my sending you to get to know them about them needing stuff, it's not. i encourage you to go read their story and get to know them. you too will fall in love with them. gwendolyn is precious and her smiles will make your worst day better. http://www.gwendolynstrong.com/

mr. roll just came home from work and came to check on me. he asked me what i felt like having for dinner tonight and i told him buckwheat blueberry pancakes. the look on his face was priceless. you see mr. roll doesn't really cook. he does all things bbg related, but if it involves the stove or the oven he doesn't do it. he asked me to pull out my pancake recipe for him, but i decided to let hm off the hook and let him go to the market and buy a box of buckwheat pancake mix to use. how bad can it be? it won't be bad at all and these pancakes will be made with love, this i know for a fact. i have bags of frozen blueberries in the freezer he can use too. and we have really good pure maple syrup we brought back from alaska.

but because i love to cook, and i am loyal to cooking from scratch i will share my recipe with you. i wish i could remember where i first found it, but i've been using it since my children were little. these pancakes are good.

buckwheat blueberry pancakes
3/4 cup buckwheat flour
3/4 cup whole-wheat pastry flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup buttermilk
3/4 cup nonfat milk
1 tablespoon honey
2 large eggs
2 tablespoons canola oil
2 cups blueberries, divided
1/2 cup real maple syrup
directions
in a large bowl whisk together the flours, baking powder, baking soda and salt. In another bowl, beat together the buttermilk, non-fat milk, honey, eggs, and oil. Stir the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients, mixing only enough to combine them. Stir in 1 cup of berries.

preheat a large nonstick griddle or skillet over a medium flame. Ladle the batter onto the skillet with a 1/4-cup measure. Flip the pancake when it is golden brown on the bottom and bubbles are forming on top, about 1 1/2 minutes. Cook the other side until golden brown, about 1 1/2 minutes.

serve topped with more blueberries and the maple syrup.

saturday at last

2009-08-29T16:22:00.000-07:00

chicken wings

recipe is below

i've been cooking all morning, ot at least most of it trying to get things ready to take to the bbq. the chicken wings are done. the guacamole is done, and i have homemade blue corn chips to go with. and then there is the coffee cake, literally. i need to get a shower, but i need to get off my feet for a few minutes too. i do not want an epeisode of meniere's today, so it's best not to get too tired.

last night i managed to stay up until 3:40am reading book #7 of the sookie stackhouse aka true blood series. i am so caught up in these books i can't put them down. you have to understand that these books are completely not me. the book i read before starting these was "the kennedy brothers". i like non-fiction. i like historical novels about europe. i may like that stuff, but i am loving these dead books.

chicken wings (i made 6 dozen wings today so i increased the recipe by quite a bit)

ingredients:

1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup louisiana hot sauce
1 dash pepper, Ground
1 dash garlic powder
1/2 cup flour
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
10 chicken wings
bleu cheese salad dressing
celery
vegetable oil, for frying

directions
*combine the flour, paprika, cayenne pepper, and salt in a small bowl.
*put the wings into a large bowl and sprinkle the flour mixture over them, coating each wing evenly.
*put the wings in the refrigerator for 60 to 90 minutes. (This will help the breading to stick to the wings when fried.)
*heat oil in a deep fryer to 375 degrees.
*you want just enough oil to cover the wings entirely -- an inch or so deep at least. Combine the butter, hot sauce, ground pepper, and garlic powder in a small saucepan over low heat. Heat until the butter is melted and the ingredients are well blended.
*put all the wings into the hot oil and fry them for 10 to 15 minutes or until some parts of the wings begin to turn dark brown.
*remove the wings from the oil to a paper towel to drain.
*but don't let them sit too long, because you want to serve the wings hot. Quickly put the wings into a large bowl.
*add the hot sauce and stir, coating all the wings evenly.
*you could also use a large plastic container with a lid for this.
*put all the wings inside the container, add the sauce, put on the lid, then shake. Serve with Bleu cheese dressing and celery sticks on the side.

pioneer women's coffee cake

2009-08-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

Pioneer Woman’s Coffee Cake Literally http://thepioneerwoman.com/

CAKE

2 cups flour

2 cups white sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 sticks (1 cup) regular (salted) butter

3 tablespoons instant coffee (I did not use instant coffee, but regular peet's coffee and it turned out sooooo good)

1/2 cup buttermilk

2 eggs

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 teaspoons vanilla

ICING

1 1/2 sticks (3/4 cup) regular (salted) butter

1 pound powdered sugar

1 to 2 tablespoons instant coffee (i did use instant for the icing. i used starbucks instant coffee for this since it's not brewed before using and i was worried about using regular coffee, but i will try peet's regular next time)

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 to 4 tablespoons heavy cream (add as needed)

FOR THE CAKE:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Grease and flour two round baking pans.
Add 3 tablespoons to 1 cup boiling water. Set aside.

In a large bowl, mix sugar, flour, and 1/4 teaspoon salt.

In a separate bowl, add buttermilk, eggs, baking soda, and vanilla.
Combine above ingredients, then pour into pans.

Bake for 20 to 22 minutes or until set.
Allow to cool completely.

FOR THE ICING:
Combine all icing ingredients, then ice cake. Chill for an hour before serving.

this cake is so good i actually made two of them this evening. one is to take to a memorial bbq saturday evening and the other is for my mom to have. she would have been sorely disappointed to see watch me take this out of the house without leaving her a piece, not to mention shooing her away from it all afternoon saturday before we leave. i'm not that cruel :)

if you haven't been to ree's site, you must visit her, she is fabulously wonderful. every recipe i've cooked from her site is easy and delicious. http://thepioneerwoman.com/

finally friday, i think . . .

2009-08-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

this morning i woke up not feeling well at all. meniere's was hitting me hard and even moving my arm made me nausea. i managed to fluff up the down pillows, all three of them, and flipped on the television. the 62 inch plasma hanging on the wall, that mr. roll just had to bargain shop for when one of the electronics stores was going out of business (yes, he and zak went in together with cash and bought these televisions for a steal.) i was in the hospital at the time, having just come out of a coma and off the ventilator and still not really talking, which is the only reason we have a television this large in our bedroom (and family room too.) to my surprise one of my favorite movies of all time was just beginning!!!

where the heart is. can i tell you how much i love this movie? i love it. it's the story of a pregnant teenager who is traveling across country with her boyfriend and he leaves her at a wal-mart in small town oklahoma. she makes a life and falls in love. in 2000, when the movie came out i loved it. i so wanted to meet my own forny and fall in love. and i did when i met mr. roll. i still love the movie to this day and realize i need to buy it on blue ray so i can enjoy it whenever i want on this new television mr. roll bought, along with a blue ray thrown in for free. mr. roll must have been so happy i was preoccupied and he didn't have to discuss this purchase with me :)

that was sort of the end of the fun in today. i was getting dressed and ready to take mom to her doctor appointment when i heard her calling me. i ran downstairs and she was leaning against the dining room wall clutching her chest. i threw on a sweatshirt and flip-flops and got her to the car and raced to the hospital. no time for 911, when we live only 3 blocks from the hospital. i ran in and told them and they raced out to the car to get her. we were out of the house and in the emergency room in less than 5 minutes. no heart attack. no stroke. i have her home and she is resting comfortable.

but can i tell you how tiring it is to sit in an emergency all afternoon waiting for test results? i think it wore us both out.

dinner tonight is simple. it also happens to be one of mom's favorites as she loves breakfast for supper. pancakes and pepper bacon. i have the bacon in the oven as i didn't want to stand there frying it forever and the house smells so good.

after mom goes to bed i am going to bake a coffee cake. not the kind you eat in the morning with your coffee, but a cake cake with peet's coffee in it. we'll take it to a bbq tomorrow. the bbq is for our friends who lost their 17 year old son to suicide in november, and tomorrow would be his 18th birthday. i want to take a gift too, but i'm not sure what to take. i think a big potted plant for their front porch or back patio. i want to be there for them. i also want to take debbie out for coffee this coming week.

it is thundering and pouring out right now. yesterday it was in the 90's. i tell you if you don't like the weather in seattle, wait 15 minutes and it will change.

i am posting the coffee cake recipe right after this, and giving full credit to pioneer woman for sharing the recipe. it is delicious.

tuesday thoughts

2009-08-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

today was a day for errand running. it began when the power was off due to some street work the city is doing n9t far from our home. i vaguely remember the notices they posted on the front door last week to make us aware this was happening, but come on how many people actually note that on a calendar? i didn't. so while i'm in the shower this morning the lights went out. not a big deal. i got my shower and although i couldn't dry my hair i put some gel in it and left it curly all day. since there was no power i decided to take mom and get out of the house and i had plenty of errands to run to keep us busy for a while.

first stop was starbucks where we sat with our coffee and i with my book. i also ran in to a few friends there so that was a nice treat too. mom sat in her cozy chair by the fireplace and enjoyed her coffee and marshmallow square. it doesn't matter what time we go into starbucks mom always has a marshmallow square. she loves them. i was looking forward to have a little down time of reading. i am on the 6th sookie stackhouse "true blood" series book. i am enjoying this series even though it is off the track of what i usually read. sometimes it is a good thing to step outside the norm and life on the wild side of all things vampire and shape shifter and fairies and witches. i only have one more book in the series after this and then i have the new john adams novel waiting for me.

after starbucks it was time for physical therapy. linda was ready for me. i felt so good today and linda commented that i was getting so much better. we spent time at the wellness center using a machine then i worked on my balance and finished up walking around the building three times. i didn't fall or even sway, not one time today. i am getting better and it feels good.

after pt i had to head over to bonney lake to the sprint store. my blackberry broke. it had some message that read "error 120" on the screen and wouldn't tell me what to do with it to correct it. thankfully they fixed it and there was no charge. i lost my entire address book, but it could have been worse i could have lost the entire phone and had to buy a new one. i'll slowly be adding names back in as i run into people i suppose. i did get mr. roll, dylan and zak back in, and two sisters shannon and jeni. i need to back up my phone onto my laptop.

after sprint we stopped at target and then fred meyers to do some grocery shopping. w arrived home about 3:30 and the power came on about 10 minutes later so it was perfect timing.

saturday we are invited to a bbq at the home of the parents, debbie and mark, of one of zak's best friends jon. last november jon's younger brother committed suicide. trevor was 17 years old. i had never met trevor not had i met debbie and mark until the memorial service. tragic. we recently had dinner with debbie and mark and debbie seemed to just need to have someone she could talk about trevor with. someone she could show the shrine in the family room to. someone who wasn't there to judge anyone or anything. saturday will be trevor's 18th birthday and again i will be there for her to talk all she needs to and i will listen. mr. roll and mark seemed to bond over a ps3 f22 game. we're there for them to use us as they need. and i love to cook so i'm planning to take some awesome food along including a coffee cake (not a cake you have coffee with in the morning, but a coffee flavored cake with buttercream frosting). i can't even imagine going through what they have been through. i'll be there.

mr. roll and i are seeing a counselor to help us come to terms with some things in regard to mom. when we first brought her to washington to live we thought she'd get her own home. that wasn't going to be the case as we discovered she couldn't live alone, or shouldn't. she is now 90 and dementia is taking over and taking control. we are not so sure how much longer we can safely even have her in our home and it may be time to begin looking at a care facility for her. i feel so guilty. i feel like my sisters are going to come down hard on me. mind you not one of them has ever offered to even so much as come stay for a week with her so mr. roll and i can go away together. seeing the counselor is helping me deal with it all and put it all into words.

monday musings

2009-08-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

today i had a doctors appointment with the nuerologist treating my inner ear disorder aka meniere's disease. more tests. miseable making tests. ok, so i am already dizzy and one of the tests is looking at what makes me dizzy. he puts this face mask on me and tells me to keep my eyes open and then instructs me to move every which way. i thought i was going to throw up. after the testing was finished he took me back into the exam room where mr. roll was waiting for me and i practically fell on him--i was so dizzy. this is no fun. i have to go back for an 8 hour day of further testing and an mri. a necessary day but not one i am looking forward to.

mom's health is not doing so well right now we've had to make some changes in our vacation plans. instead of going away in september we'll take off the week after christmas and probably do mexico or st. bart's. having made this decision feels like a weight off our shoulders. i just cannot leave mom right now.

thursday thoughts

2009-08-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

i'm looking into an lsat course to take. most likely it will be kaplan. for one they are quite a bit cheaper than the princeton review, by several $1000. so, thinking ahead a bit i will start the paralegal certificate program at university of washington in the fall quarter, and then begin kaplan next fall, after i have completed the uw program and am working as a paralegal. i am so happy i was accepted into the uw program, and i love the fact that they consider this a 5th year program and you must have a b.s. for acceptance. good job. that b.s. did pay off, after all these years.

it has awakened this law bug in me. i've wanted to go to law school for so long, i took a nice long break and found my career in social work and i wouldn't trade it for the world, but law has always been in the back of my mind. in my heart. i feel like the time is right. mr. roll is so supportive. he is encouraging me to go for it it--go to law school. it's only 3 years, and when i complain about my age he tells me i'm going to turn 60 in 8 years and i may as well be an attorney when i do. gosh i love this man. how did i get so lucky.

septic shock really has changed my perspective of things in life. i feel blessed to still be alive. so my motor skills aren't what they used to be, they continue to get better each month. god bless my physical therapist, linda, right here in town--she is a miracle worker. i started seeing linda 4 years ago when i, out of the blue, developed frozen shoulder in my right shoulder, and she got rid of it for me. through the course of working with her she invited me to join her newly formed book club and i did. we've become very close friends and i adore her. i was so afraid of going back to pt, after leaving swedish hospital where the pt came to my room to work with me. it was so hard to walk back then and i fell down all the time. forget doing the stairs--hated them. but linda had again fixed me. on tuesday i actually walked around her building and she pointed out i wasn't grinding my teeth, nor was i clutching my sides and digging my nails into my thighs, all in fear of falling and trying to balance myself. i did it. i'm so excited to go back to pt/ot tomorrow and do it again. i'm also ready to dive back into yoga after several weeks off due to another kidney stone on the right side (the bad side for me and the damaged side.)

oh, and my hair is finally growing back in. finally. finally. it's so thin i'll never be able to pull it into a ponytail again, but i have hair coming coming back in and i am thrilled!!! every time i walk past my wedding picture and i'm standing there next to mr. roll with long curls cascading off my shoulders and mr. roll has a head full of brown hair and his beard. wow, things have changed. now i hardly have any hair (but it's growing back in or at least it's not falling out anymore) and mr. roll lost every hair on his body except his beard from chemo. things change us. illness changes us. but we have loved each other through it all.

i have also had opportunity to rethink my life and what i want to do for the rest of it. mr. roll is fighting cancer. the battle continues for us, as it has for the past 5 years. chemo. oncology appointments. it's a part of our life. after leaving social work i have felt so lost. questioning everything. being thrown into a world called macy's as a senior executive. still trying to understand how that happened, and happy it only lasted 2 years before a lay off was inevitable. for this layoff i can thank septic shock--the only thing i can think to thank it for. after months of thought, journaling, praying, talking, i feel good about my decision to pursue a new career as a paralegal.

of course i was settling for this thinking i am too old for start and finish law school. every one but me seems to think i am not too old. i am now there too--i am not too old. why not do what i want to do? i've been given my life to live and i must live it to the fullest doing what i feel called to do. i am not too old. i am excited to do the paralegal program and i am excited to do the kaplan lsat course after completing it. it's a good thing i love school.

of course it's been a long time since i've been in school. u.c. berkeley seems like a long long long time ago. hopefully it's like riding a bike:)

tonight mr. roll came home from work and since i'd already prepared dinner for mom because she was hungry and wanted pancakes, he suggested he take me out. fun. due to mom living with us and not doing so well we don't get out often, so when we do it's always a fun for us and we take advantage of the freedom of a few hours. i tucked mom into bed for the night and went out to dinner. came back an hour later and she was still in bed and fine. mr. roll says this is preparation for saturday night when we head over to redmond to see foreigner and a led zeppelin tribute band. normally i don't care for tribute bands especially since between the two of us we've seen led zeppelin a half-dozen times, but we love led zeppelin so off we go. mr. roll is going to love saturday night.

i got sidetracked somewhere in there and forgot to mention that the specialist neurologist at uw is running tests with the most likely outcome to be a diagnosis of meniere's disease. i feel like a textbook case for this. it feels surprisingly good to have a name for the strange, unusual, and often times weird symptoms happening in me. now to figure out a course of action for a positive resolution to it being there is no cure. i'm also working on diet to rid myself of ever developing another kidney stone.

wednesday wantings

2009-08-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

mt. rainier from the plateau

the heat wave is back. it's 90+ outside today here on the plateau. that would be the mt. rainier plateau.

today i managed to get my lawn mowed. our home is 109 years old and we have a double lot here in the old historical part of town. thankfully the previous owners had added on a large family room and a master suite to the house so those two improvements have been done. the kitchen is in dire need of a remodel, but now i am so sued to it being so small i like it--less to clean up.

i love to cook and often times find myself in the kitchen creasting something for my family, so a bigger kitchen would be nice, but i like my little space. it's me. it hasn't stopped me at all. just last night while i was making chicken curry for dinner, standing my the sink cutting up the chicken and looking out the window at my apple tree and smiling. there on the tree were hundreds of apples waiting to be picked. so i did. after i put the lid on the chicken i grabbed some bags and went out the back door to pick some apples. i came in and made an apple pie, and this morning i peeled the rest and sprinkled them with lemon juice to freeze until a later time.

the rest of today consists of probably doing at least one load of laundry. then later on mr. roll and i are going to take the dogs and pick blackberries which i may can tonight or tomorrow depending on how warm it is. we don't ave a/c here in western washington so when we get a heat wave we pretty much shut down and we whine.

tuesday thoughts

2009-08-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

chicken curry. can you guess what we're having for dinner?

where is the time going? summer is almost to an end. one more month to go. i love summer and don't look forward to it's ending in the next 4 weeks. fall is all about change for me and i'm not a person that does well with change.

that said . . .

i'm beginning the paralegal program at university of washington in the fall. i've also decided to begin kaplan's lsat study course in preparation of taking the lsat in the fall of 2010. this will put me in hopefully being accepted to law school in fall 2011. talk about change?

i'm also on a mission to declutter my house. i've signed up for flylady and i think i can do this with baby steps. i love the idea of getting a hefty bag and tossing 50 items a day. 50 a day is nothing for me to do. i can do that every morning when i come home from yoga. i'll have this hosue decluttered in no time.

mr. roll is making our living room furniture and in the meantime our living room is becoming a storage room and this must stop. time to toss. toss. toss.

it feels good to have even made this decision to declutter. i did this 3 years ago and it felt so good. how did it get time to do it again? it's a constant work in motion isn't it?

tonights dinner is chicken curry

Ingredients:
3 tbsp ghee (clarified butter), or oil
1 small onion, finely chopped 1 stick cinnamon
2 cardamom pods
4 cloves
1 tsp fennel seeds
1 inch piece root ginger, very finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp turmeric powder
1 tbsp ground coriander
¾ tsp chilli powder
1 tsp tomato paste
2 skinless chicken breasts, cubed
1 chopped tomato
1 tsp. plain yogurt or sour creama
handful of cilantro leaves, chopped

directions:
Heat the ghee in a large heavy pan, add the chopped onion and fry till onion is transclucent.
Turn the heat to medium low, add the cinammon, cardamom, cloves and fennel seeds, stir for 5 minutes. Add the ginger and garlic and cook for another 5 minutes stirring occasionally to make sure nothing sticks to the bottom of the pan. Then add the turmeric, ground coriander and chilli powder and fry gently for a minute. Add the tomato purée and stir in enough hot water to make a sauce. Bring to the boil and simmer, stirring occasionally for 20 minutes. Season with salt.
Heat a little oil in a large heavy frying pan and stir-fry the chicken pieces until they turn white.
Add the chicken and chopped tomato, sour cream/yogurt to the sauce and simmer gently until the meat is soft and succulent.
Sprinkle with the coriander and serve with plain rice and yogurt.

thursday it is . . .

2009-08-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

thunderstorms sweep along western washington. we certainly are hearing them out here on the plateau. so loud that lucy, our rhodesian ridgback, is clinging to mr. roll. all 90lbs of her wants to be cuddled in his lap. she is so funny sometimes. here she is the alpha dog with the other two dogs, but sh is scared to pieces of loud noises. and the sad eyes he can give just breaks your heart. mr. roll took her upstairs to his office where he made her comfy on the futon while he sits at his desk and works on his computer.

i haven't been around for sometime. i spent the weekend on cameo island with girlfriends. it was beautiful. we had a fabulous time out there. we stayed at the state park, the cabins were cheap, right on the water. sitting out on the deck in the evening enjoying the beautiful sunset. enjoying the wine and the company. bbqing. smoking the salmon. fun. fun. fun.

i've been a little disillusioned this week with fellow bloggers. i'm not so much disillusioned with the mama-blogger that seems to have some controversy surrounding her. she is what she is and she chooses what to share and what not to share. and in her defense, certainly blogging is one way to make your life be exactly what you want it to, when in reality it is far from it. unfortunately for mama-blogger the events in her life she was hiding were all public record and someone found them. why did someone go looking? i have no idea but they did and then made blogger world public what they found. not a good refection of either.

what has really bothered me in all this is the fact that the fans/followers of mama-blogger are nasty mean. attacking anyone and everyone that questions the mama blogger. christian? no. no one is allowed an opinion that is different or opposes mama-blogger. no one is allowed to ask where her sick baby is. so where is he? 100's of bloggers are curious as to where he is and if he was left behind, just days after leaving the hospital where he almost died. maybe i should make that allegedly almost died? 100's of bloggers are curious as to what went on while he was in the hospital with the twittering and all as his heart is stopping. a continuim of strange behavior. mama-blogger seems to not hold herself accountable.

uncomfortable al the way around.

got this of my chest.

i got in. . .

2009-08-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

today i received my "congratulations" letter from the university of washington telling me i was accepted into the paralegal studies program. school begins on october 1.

i am walking on cloud nine.

cloud nine.

skipping through the clouds.

smiling.

i don't even recall, at this moment, why i was so worried i wouldn't be accepted. they want me.

they are only taking 60 students into the program. that is their limit. at the informational meeting i attended a few weeks ago they said they have had more applicants this year than ever before and conclude that is because of the economy and layoffs. paralegals are in high demand and the job pays well whether one enters non-profit or high profile offices.

60 students. they also told us that they had already seen 120 applications come through. they were not going to increase the number of students due to the increase in applications. 60 students.

what i really like about this program, at uw, is that it is a 5th year program meaning one must have a bachelor's degree to apply.

now i am having fantasy thoughts enter my mind about maybe actually applying to law school in a couple of years.

am i crazy?

i would be like 60 by the time i finish. nope, i am happy with the paralegal. i want to research and write and this is what i will be doing as a paralegal.

walking on cloud nine.

2009-08-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

today i received my letter from the university of washington letting me know i was accepted into the program appiled to. i cannot tell you how excited i am. i got in!!!!!! that degree from u. c. berkeley finally came in handy lol!!!! i am in the program and i start october 1.

walking on clouds.

jumping from cloud to cloud.

i don't even have a care in the world to being middlea ged and doing this. it's a fresh beginning for me and i am happy. happy. happy.

happy dance.

friday at last

2009-07-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

my oldest son, dylan, trekking through patagonia in argentina.

i'm not so sure why i am thrilled it is finally friday, but i am. it's not like i work out of the home all week and look forward to the weekend off. maybe it is because mr. roll and i have been talking about taking the dogs to the dog park on saturday and i am looking forward to doing that together.

speaking of mr. roll, he took me to my doctor appointment this morning. bad news is i have 2 kidney stones in my right kidney. this is my weak kidney. last time i had kidney stones i developed septic shock. shock is what hit me when i heard the results of my ct scan. you know it's going to be bad news when you get the call and they want to see you in person. however, this time it has been caught early, and mr. roll knows what to be on the lookout for--any sign of lethargic behavior and i am off to swedish (hospital in seattle). on monday i see my doctor again to either laser them or hopefully discover they have passed. i have meds to deal with it all and a diet to help bust them up. but i am frightened of going septic. scary stuff going septic.

it's hot. i bought an ice cream maker today. i have one of the ones that takes boxes of salt and lots and lots and lots and lots of ice. i wanted one of the ones you keep in the kitchen and it makes creamy rich delicious ice cream a la the Cuisinart ICE-50BC Supreme Ice Cream Maker

i ordered one from amazon.com and it will arrive monday. too late for the weekend, but there is always next weekend, and certainly we can have yummy ice cream all week long. this alone should add some much needed junk to my trunk. so i ordered one of them and then decided to go back and order a second one for my son as his birthday is on wednesday and i know he will love it.

we are trying to decide on our vacation plans for this year. we always go away in october, but this year i will be in the paralegal program at the university of washington in october so we need to go in september. we're torn between doing a disney cruise through easten caribbean, and doing disney world in orlando. one day it's one and the next day the other. everything is so cheap right now i wish we could just do both! not.

in preparation for vacation someplace warm (i've done alaska the last two years with mr. roll and made him promise we'd do warm and beaches this year) i went online to look at some clothes. at macys.com everything i liked was not available in my size. they had plenty of size 10, size 12, even size 2. where were all the 4 & 6's? i just wanted a few pairs of shorts and tops. i ended up calling my sister in las vegas and asking her to go to our favorite store in las vegas and find me some things to take. she loved it. she knows me better than anyone and knows what i like and what will look good on my straight boy body (no hips, no thighs, no butt). i also need to get a couple of new swim suits but i have to try them on before i buy them so while i am in nyc, visiting my son dylan, and my niece katie is with me, she and i will go shopping for swim suits together. i love shopping with her.

it's not a night for cooking so we're eating out.

Grilled Shark

2009-07-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

it's hot. i got in the car today and the temperature read 107. western washington is not used to this kind of heat. we don't have ac, we don't own fans. we we're lucky in that when i moved here 8 years ago i brought all my fans with us. all 8 are not scattered throughout the house working hard to keep the air moving. i wouldn't be miserable if i had my pool. we bought this house because it has such a large yard which mr. roll pointed out would be good for my pool someday. i'm ready for someday.

i mailed off my application/resume/intro letr/transcripts to University of Washington today for the paralegal program. i hope i get in. it is in god's hands now.

it's a good day to bbq. tonight is grilled shark. if you're afraid of shark don't be. it's very good. very meaty. good texture. good flavor. i've been using this marinade for years now, and that speaks for itself.

GRILLED SHARK

1/4-1/2 cup soy sauce (1/2 cup could be very salty for some)
6 shark steaks or swordfish steaks
1/4 cup catsup
1/2 cup orange juice
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 cup fresh parsley, Chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/3 tablespoon pepper, Ground

Directions
1Combine soy sauce, orange juice, catsup, chopped parsley, lemon juice, pepper, and minced garlic.
2Add fish; cover and marinate in refrigerator for 2 hours.
3Remove fish from marinade, reserving marinade.
4Grill fish over hot coals 6 minutes on each side or until fish flakes easily when tested with a fork, basting frequently with marinade.

Grilled Fish Tostada Salad

2009-07-28T14:51:00.000-07:00

it's still hot here in western washington. dinner tonight is grilled fish tostadas. perfect for a hot evening. we'll be eating out on the patio area tonight.

Grilled Fish Tostadas

INGREDIENTS:

4 each 6oz Fresh Fish Fillets

1 tsp. Creole seasoning blend½ tsp. Kosher salt

8 small flour tortillas

12 ounces finely shredded cheese (Mexican blend)

6 cups spring mix of lettuce, washed, dried and torn

½ cup Citrus Vinaigrette (see recipe below)

½ cup cooked corn kernels

4 oz. sliced roasted poblano peppers

8 ounces Tomato Salsa

¼ cup Chimichurri Sauce (see recipe below)1 ripe avocado, quartered and cut into fan

PREPARATION:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Season fish on both sides with Creole seasoning and kosher salt.

Grill on each side until done, or until fish reaches 145ºF.

Remove from grill.
While fish is grilling, lay tortillas on baking sheet. With a fork, poke holes in tortillas, ½ inch apart over the whole tortilla. Lightly brush with olive oil and bake in preheated oven until lightly browned, about 5 minutes.

Evenly sprinkle cheese onto tortillas and continue baking until cheese is completely melted.
Place 2 tortillas on each of four plates.

Toss spring mix with citrus vinaigrette, corn kernels, and peppers and mound one-fourth of mixture on top of each plate of tortillas.

Sprinkle tomato salsa over salad mix.
When done, slice fish and place on top of salad, drizzle with chimichurri sauce.

Top with avocado fan.

Citrus Vinaigrette
INGREDIENTS:

2 Tbsp. olive oil

2/3-cup rice wine vinegar

1/3 cup orange juice

1 Tbsp. Dijon mustard

1 tsp. honey

2 tsp. minced garlic

1 Tbsp. minced shallots

½ tsp. Creole seasoning

2 Tbsp. chopped fresh cilantro
Mix all ingredients together. Refrigerate.

Chimichurri Sauce
INGREDIENTS:

¾ cup extra virgin olive oil

1/3 cup rice wine vinegar

½ cup fresh squeezed lemon juice

2 tsp. kosher salt

½ tsp. black pepper1 bunch (1 ½ ounces) flat-leaf parsley, stemmed and minced

½ bunch (½ ounce) cilantro, stemmed and minced

½ tsp. dried oreganoScallion tops, thinly sliced

4 tsp. minced garlic
PREPARATION:
Combine the olive oil, rice vinegar, lemon juice, salt and pepper in a medium bowl. Using a wire whisk, mix until evenly blended.
Add all remaining ingredients and, using a rubber spatula, gently mix until evenly blended. The mixture should be highly seasoned; add more salt or vinegar, if desired. Refrigerate for up to 3 days

Honey-Peach Ham Glaze and Sauce

2009-07-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

it's a little too hot to be baking a ham for dinner. i randomly bought one on saturday and i needed to get it cooked or risk losing it altogether as i don't have room in the freezer for it. so tonight it is. it is on the oven with a delicious glaze over it. scallop potatoes will go in the oven in a few, then sliced tomatoes and dinner is done.

we eat late on monday night because mr. roll has a woodworking group he attends. he must go as he is making my living room furniture. this makes me very happy.

honey-peach ham glaze and sauce

1 cup peach preserves
2 tablespoons Creole mustard or spicy brown mustard
1 1/2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup honey

preparation:
Combine all ingredients in a small saucepan; bring to a simmer. Use about 1/3 of the mixture to spoon over a ham the last 20 minutes or roasting time and serve the rest as a sauce.Makes about 1 1/2 cups.

monday musings

2009-07-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

i don't care how old children get we, as parents, never stop worrying.

i had a message, on facebook, from my son saying he was leaving for berkekey on friday. i assumed it was last friday and was worried that something had happened in berkeley and he had to get there quick. then i was worried about danny, his dog, and where he was. surely he didn't drive. sure he would have flown. he never takes danny with him. danny stays with us every time zak goes anywhere.

missed calls all the way around.

i called my other son to see what was going on. he's home in nyc and knows nothing. this was good as if there had been an emergency dylan would know.

today we connect. he doesn't leave for berkeley until next friday. reminded me his best friend from high school was getting married. danny will be coming to our house. he also asked if we could keep danny for the month of august, as it's their busiest time of the summer season and he's working 16 hour days. he knows he doesn't need to ask as danny is always welcome.

what a relief.

mr. roll will pick danny up tomorrow on his way home from work (since both are in seattle).

street fair, farmer's market and an evening of jam making

2009-07-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

i am determined to get out of the house today and go some place besides the hospital. there is only so much of being on "bed rest" one can take. i am itching to get back into my kitchen and cook. i lay here in my bed dreaming of the possibilities. and while i don't have a lot of energy right now i think even preparing a pan of dutch baby pancakes along with apple chicken sausage for dinner would be a good beginning. of course it is going to be soaring into the 90's today so something on the grill is probably more reasonable. perhaps salmon along side a crab roast? may be better suited for tomorrow.

i spent yesterday at swedish hospital all day being infused with medication to fight off this infection and lots of fluids to rehydrate me. i do feel much better today.

dutch baby

1 c. butter

6 large eggs

1 1/4 c. half & half

1 1/4 c. flour

3 T sugar

1 tsp vanilla

Put the 4 T, butter incast iron pan, and set it into a 425 degree oven after first dusting the pan with nutmeg, then mix batter quickly while butter melts.

put eggs in blender container and whirl at high speed for 1 minute.

with motor running, gradually pour in milk, then slowly add flour; then rest of butter, melted continue whirling for 30 seconds.
(with a rotary beater, beat eggs until light and lemon colored; gradually beat in milk, then flour.)
remove pan from oven with the butter melted and pour batter into the hot melted butter.

return the pan to the oven and bake until puffy and well browned, 20 to 25 minutes.
serve at once with any fruit topping or syrups or powdered sugar is good, too.
a tip: Have everyone waiting at the table when the Dutch Baby comes out of the oven, while it is puffed up.

also I use cast iron skillet for the cooking.

mr. roll and i went to the street fair, downtown, today. it was delightful just to be out with mr. roll. we also stopped by the farmer's market and i bought 2 huge flats of raspberries and blueberries, both from a local farm. i'm going to begin making jam here in a few minutes. i'm also hoping to make a quart of blueberry syrup that we can enjoy with the dutch baby tonight.

edit: i canned 12 pints of raspberry jam, plus 2 quarts of raspberry jam. and then mom helped me can 12 quarts of blueberry jam, and make 2 quarts of blueberry syrup. i don't usually like to have a sous in the kitchen with me, but i certainly needed mom's help with the blueberries--that was a lot of blueberries to work with.

the dutch baby is in the oven almost done and the apple chicken sausage is staying warm on top of the stove and they smell delicious. i have loved these sausage for 20 years and was so happy to find they finally are selling them here in western washington at my local market (and these are not the smoked ones you can find everywhere, these are the fresh :)

2nd edit: a very good dinner was enjoyed by all.

Auberge French Lavender Chicken is what's for dinner tonight

2009-07-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

with my being not feeling good with this kidney infection mr. roll has been taking care of dinner and running to the market to collect me lots of bananas and graham crackers to eat. i sound like a toddler don't i? literally all i want to eat is bananas and graham crackers. and btw, when my children were little i made my own graham crackers--i was so berkeley!

i felt a bit well enough to marinade some chicken, and then mr. roll can throw them on the grill tonight. i also asked him to pick up a salad from a local restaurant, and he'll grill some bread too. mr. roll can cook when given proper notice and instructions, if needed.

Auberge French Lavender Marinade for Beef, Lamb or Chicken

4 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons lavender honey
5 drops lavender, cooking essence (or lavender flowers, crushed)
one crushed garlic clover
juice of half a lemon
salt and pepper

Directions:
Mix all the marinade ingredients together and brush over beef, lamb or chicken. Allow the meat to marinate in the marinade for 2 hours minimum and then cook as required.
This marinade is great for the barbeque.
If making ahead, store in a covered bottle or jar and keep in the fridge until required.

chicken has been marinating since this morning. i can't wait to smell it outdoors grilling. we happen to live right by a lavender farm so i always have plenty of culinary lavender on hand for meals. if i were feeling better i would also make some brown rice with lavender. it's easy--add culinary lavender to the water and let it bowl, then add the brown rice and let it cook/steam. so good i cannot even describe it.

if you like the recipe and think you want to try it, but don't have lavender fields surrounding your area, please let me know as i would love to send you some culinary lavender. once you cook with it you will contacting me for more. i would love to send you some so don't hesitate to email me at marilroll@comcast.net and let me know here that you have done so.

blessings,

tuesday needs . . .

2009-07-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

i am sick. sick. sick. kidney infection.

for most a kidney infection is not a big deal. not a big worry. take some aggressive antibiotics, drink a lot of water and feel better in a day.

not for me.

in december 2008, i had septic shock (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Septic_shock ) or as my dr.'s like to say, i went septic. i thought i had a bladder infection and was waiting to go to the doctor until i had a day off to go. well, i ended up in the emergency room on a thursday night and learned i had a kidney stone in my left kidney and nothing showed up in my right kidney. the next day, friday, i went into the hospital to have it lasered and then went home that evening. on sunday mr. roll was helping a neighbor with his christmas lights and he came back in the house to check on me and found me unconscious. 911.

they took me to the local hospital where they quickly discovered what was wrong--i had septic shock. they airlifted me to swedish hospital in seattle where i was admitted to icu. i have no memory at all of any of this, in fact, i don't even remember having the laser done on the kidney stone. i was in a coma, on a ventilator for 10 days waking up the day after christmas. i stayed in icu, after waking up, for a few more days and then moved into a regular room for a few more weeks while i learned to walk again and use my motor skills. i also heard from every doctor and nurse that came to see me how lucky i was to a) be alive, b) have all my limbs, c) have my vision.

while a kidney infection is not a kidney stone, anything kidney is serious for me. my right kidney no longer works well, and this is where the infection is sitting right now. the pain is unbearable with pain meds. i don't like pain mediation. i am scared to death of anything involving my kidneys. been there and done that. scares me. scares mr. roll.

i know i am in good hands with my nephrologist is the best in seattle. his bedside manner is great too. i feel better just knowing he is so on top of my care. this helps my mental sate , in handling this, a lot. there is a lot to be said for an outstanding doctor with an excellent bedside manner.

i need a lot of prayer right now. it's one of those times i wish i had more people read my blog, so i could get covered in a lot of prayer. i do not want to go septic. never want to do that again.

monday musings

2009-07-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

i have spent the last four months contemplating entering a 5th year program at university of washington.

what's a 5th year program? after graduating with a bachelors degree, one can go on for certification in specialized field such a earning a teaching credential. the program i am interested in is the paralegal program. at university of washington the paralegal program is administered trough the law school and it is 3 quarters.

25 years ago i took the lsat and was ready for law school and then i learned i was pregnant. a surprise. i put off law school and devoted myself to being mommy. i had a wonderful career as an msw and have no regrets about not doing law school. but now i want something more. i want to return to work but i don't want to do social work anymore--27+ years has been enough. i have been thinking about becoming a paralegal for sometime now and in the last 4 months have seriously looked into area programs and doing a lot of talking to mr. roll and god about it.

today i went to the informational meeting at uw to learn all about their paralegal program. i walked out afterwards with a little dance in my step. i was happy. i want this. my goal is to get my transcripts to them and have the application and cover letter emailed over on thursday.

the program is 3 quarters (9 months). it's intense. i will come out knowing how to do it and hit the ground running. i want to do immigration law. i want to assist all the people in the detention centers. i am still a social worker at heart, i just want a change of work in the field of helping folks find what they need and help them get it. i am very excited.

god willing this will be my reality.

my child did not?

2009-07-20T01:24:00.000-07:00

I love Not Me! Monday created by My Charming Kids so I’ll take this time to reflect on what I did not do this past week. Please take a moment to visit MckMama's blog to see what she has not been up to herself this week, or better yet this week is what children have not been up to. not my children, oh no they did not.

my, at the time 27 year old son, did not wash the 100% cashmere designer sweater i bought him for christmas. and said son did not then call me asking me to please go buy him another one, at $259, because it was his favorite sweater that he wore every day. my son would never do this.
my oldest son, the film editor, did not once again work on a johnny depp project and refuse to let me near the set. he has not done this to me five times now. my son would not do this because he knows i "heart" johnny depp.
my youngest, son while in college in eastern washington, did not stop at a safeway on the way back home from skiing and pick out a puppy, from the "free puppies" box, and bring it home for mom to care for while he was away at school. he did not do this knowing we already had 4 fur children roaming our grounds.
back as a fresh, in high school, my daughter did not let me spend all day on a saturday getting her hair done for the homecoming dance and not tell me what would happen to her beautifully coiffed hair when she played her volleyball game before the dance. this same daughter did not then expect me to heat a large instrument on the stove and straighten her hair. not her, never her.
my youngest son and daughter, who are only 10 monhs apart in age, did not convince their french teacher, in high school, that they were faternal twins. said son was 5'10, blond hair, euro american while said daughter was 6', black hair, african american. they did not laugh hysterically when i was completely caught off guard when at back to school night the french teacher was clearly furious with my children after she met us, their parents.
my youngest son did not call me last november to say i needed to come to his house to pick up his dog, the same dog he brought home from the "free puppies" box at the grocery store, because he decided spur of the moment to go to london. he then did not play the guilt card and tell me he was also going to france to see his sister. he also did not call me from scotland to tell me he was in scotland and staying a little longer than planned. not my son. my son plans ahead.
same son did not call me in march to again tell me to come to his house and pick up his beloved dog because he decided spur of the moment to go to italy. not my son. my son plans ahead--if i say this enough will it happen?
same son, an avid sailor and civilian large tour boat captain, did not tell me on thursday that he was considering joining the coast guard officer reserves, so he can be port commissioner someday and also so he can become a cruise ship captain, oh and they'll pay for graduate school too. what the ? i don't think so. not my son. this child did not forget about "don't ask don't tell". he did not.
the three of them did not do a lot of things, but i am too tired now to think, let alone continue to laugh at the memories.

edit saturday . . .

2009-07-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

writing it out helps. it really does.

of course when one writes out their immediate feelings it is not assumed that any who read will understand all that they cannot read between the lines. there is a lot between the lines of the feelings i did put to words.

i was not venting.

i was writing out my hurt. my hurting heart. my questioning of why.

why.

maybe tomorrow will be better. on occasion i get to the point of being enveloped in frustration. to the point i cannot feel. i cannot see through the fog which surrounds me. yet it doesn't block the hurt.

tomorrow will be better.

i have the song "have i told you lately that i love you" playing in my head. i so want to know, to feel that kind of love.

a day to think. a day to feel.

2009-07-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning not able to keep my eyes open. i allowed myself to drift back to sleep, but woke again shortly after. i couldn't quite make out the time on the clock, so i woke mr. roll to ask him to tell me what time it was. yawning and stretching i grabbed my book to continue reading the story of julia childs years spent in france with her beloved husband paul. i am loving this book. julia and paul were so in love and so respectful of each other. they could finish each other's thoughts. they went on picnics together. they took drives. they loved trying new restaurants. they completely supported each other in everything. they loved hard. they loved deeply.

how does one find this kind of love? do you create it? does create you? how? where? when? when is it my turn for this kind of love?

i fantasize about it.

i imagine it.

i want it so bad i make believe it is happening.

today was no different. it's saturday and we've been looking forward to going to the king county fair. our lives have been so ruled by chemo for the last five years, we are still not accustomed to the fact that we can actually make and keep plans. we went to the fair. on the way to the fair we stopped at circle-k so mr. roll could get a diet pepsi, his form of caffeine. he said he was getting a hot dog too because he was hungry, at which point i reminded him that corn dogs awaited us at the fair. he'd wait for the corn dog at the fair.

at the fair we walked around and all seemed to be going well. i had already checked out the corn dog stands and found the one i thought looked best, so when i suggested it was time to eat as i was hungry for my corn dog, mr. roll was ready to eat too. we walked on over and he asked me if i had brought money with me? i told him, "no". he hadn't either. the corn dog were $5 each and then another $4 or $5 for a drink. he had enough to get one of us something.

typical.

i had been dreaming about a fair corn dog all week. i had talked about it to mr. roll and anyone else listening. who doesn't love a fair corn dog? i'm a vegetarian and i love them. i just do.

i told mr. roll to just get one and i'd be fine. not.

i don't do martyr well. in fact, i don't do it at all. i suck at it.

especially when i thought he'd offer to share his corn dog with me. or maybe forgo on the drink and get us each a corn dog.

not.

he bought his corn dog and large drink, smothered mustard all over his corn dog and proceeded to the shade where he wolfed it all down without so much as a glance my way. stunned i walked away. hurt. stunned. mad.

seeing red. mad.

sitting on a bench over by the horse arena i went into a deep thought pattern trying to understand what happened. trying to understand why this continues to happen. trying to understand why mr. roll and i are married to each other. it's never going to change. it is always going to end like today ended. after an hour or so i walked back over, took my niece and walked over to the hypnotist, jerry harris. we laughed. she and i had fun. i needed to be hypnotized.

mr. roll and i have had a hard marriage. cancer invaded our bliss only 12 months after we were married. although we had dated for 5 years before we married , i don't believe we knew each other at all. we are so very different. cancer came. everything else was placed on a shelf and pushed in the farthest unreachable corner of a huge closet where it couldn't be seen and there was no risk of it falling off on me. i would fight cancer with every ounce of my being. study it. learn everything medical there is to know about it. fight it. never let it win. never allow it to get the better of me. i'm from hearty french peasant stock after all and i can fight it and win.

everyone believed the picture i created. me the loving wife caring for my husband with all the love i had to give. and i did.

really.

i did.

deep down i was broken. broken. a pathetic broken fool. a failed martyr. how?

i don't know what mr. roll wants, but i want love. respect. spontaneous fun. love. to feel loved. to be loved. to close my eyes and smile.

i don't remember the last time i smiled. i don't remember the last time mr. roll touched me without my asking him to. sometimes i need a hug and i will ask him for one. it such a huge request and i don't do it often as he seems uncomfortable responding. i suppose the one thing the cancer has done is afforded him the perfect excuse to not have to love me. not have to feel anything for me or about me. on the other hand, if it weren't for the cancer he could be rid of me.

why do we stay married? maybe the cancer. maybe because neither of us has any where else to go to? maybe because.

one night last week i asked mr. roll to hold my hand while we were in bed and watching a movie. his response to me was "right now i'm holding bear's paw." bear is his beloved dog. he would do anything for bear and lucy. anything. too bad he doesn't have the same feelings for his wife. his wife is a nothing more or less to him. nothing. not even worthy of half a corn dog at the fair.

is it really a corn dog that started these feelings? not at all. the corn dog simply solidified reality for today.

i can't stand being at such a loss. to feel like i am floating around aimlessly though life with no direction. not going any where. so much is expected from me in regard to caring for mr. roll and caring for my mom. i'm not worthy of this. i am the wrong person to have the job. i don't want the job anymore.

i don't know who i am anymore. i look in the mirror and i don't know who the blank face is staring back at me. she's so sad looking. what happened to me? where did i go? is this all there is? didn't i read somewhere, like in the bible, that god has a plan for my life? is this the plan? because if it is i got a raw deal. i must have done something to really make god angry if this is the payback. i want off this life.

i want someone to love me. someone to share life with me that wants to share life. i need . . . love.

a day in seattle . . .

2009-07-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

it's been the best day today. i took mom and kelsey and we met zak in university village for lunch. we ate at zoa's, which is a vietnamese pho restaurant, and the fact that it was sunny and in the 80's today meant we could sit out on the patio. delightful.

afterwards we shopped and kelsey found a dress at the lucky store. it is so cute on her. perfect. then we went to ralph lauren and found zak some new shorts, fleece, and shirts. he's set for summer. and i must say that he wears ralph very well.

we met up with phil to board the boat for blake island and have dinner at tillicum village. dinner was a traditional salmon bake and a native dance show. it was a lot of fun. and i learned that we can camp out on blake island and take the dogs. everyone camping out there, it seemed, had dogs with them. i am so excited about this i can't wait to look into getting a tent and such to take out there. this also motivates me to get our boat cleaned for the summer. there island is only accessable by boat. we will get at least one weekend in i hope. the only down side is the weather. today was beautiful, but there is no guarantee in this area. hopeful i am.

i love a good day and today has been one of the best.

monday musings

2009-07-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

what can better than a girls day at the spa?

i took kelsey and mom and we headed to the spa for nails, toes and massage. mom and i had fills and pedi's, kelsey had a manicure and pedi, and we all had a massage. a good friend of min, barb, was also there and we had a wonderful visit while getting our nails done. delightful.

we left the spa and went to the movie. katie has a list of movies she wants to see while she is here, so i thought we had better get started. we're going to seattle on wednesday to hang out with zak and we'll see public enemies.

i was going to make shish kabobs for dinner tonight, but we ate so much junk food at the movies we aren't even hungry at this point. guess what dinner is tomorrow night?

michael jackson. he's been gone for a few weeks now, yet his death is still front page news. i am shocked at how many stars are coming out of the woodwork to claim him as their best friend. where were they all when he was on trial for molesting young boys? i don't recall seeing any of them at the courthouse with the man. i certainly wasn't a supportive former fan. as a social worker in domestic violence i worked in a field where i believed the victim. although he was proven not guilty by his peers, i had a hard time absorbing the television interview where he claimed in natural for adults to share a bed with children not their own. doesn't sit right with me. that said, i will say that from all appearances his own children are beautiful and happy and they loved their daddy. that says a lot. i do wish the media would let the man alone and that his children could be left alone to grieve and remember the daddy they so loved.

i am still struggling with whether to contact the lds missionaries to come speak with me. do i have to have them in my home or can we meet somewhere else? starbucks? qfc? why am i so afraid to make this step? i think it's because if i do it i will have to tell mr. roll about it. i cannot keep this from him and i know he won't be happy about it, although he i don't believe he would stop me at all. he wants me to be happy and he know that i have not been for a long time now. he knows that i am struggling with my relationship with god and the church and i am searching for what is right. i have read the lds.com site over and over again. i am so drawn to salt lake city i have planned a long weekend visit this coming winter as a time to reflect and pray and seek answers. is this normal behavior? the other thing i a nervous about with the missionaries is being able to maintain control of my contact with them, and not allowing them control of contacting me. with mr. roll not moving the way i am in this, i need to be able to keep the talks out of my home. how would this all work?

i am still a pen to paper journal keeper and i have written so much about this. years of writing about it. i'm feeling it's may be time to make a choice. i need to talk to mr. roll.

Searching for God . . . in the LDS church

2009-07-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

i was raised in the southern baptist church. we went to church sunday morning, sunday night and wednesday night. we literally never missed a sunday, and even while on vacation traveling across the country we had to stop at a church on sunday. i didn't really like the church we attended and i did not like all the rules, that were preached but not followed. i had a problem with the youth director preaching abstinence, but at church camp encouraging and allowing couples to neck madly at the picnic table. sitting in each other's lap during the programs. i was confused.

i had a good friend in school who belonged the lds church. oh how i wanted to join her church. yes there were rules, but everyone seemed to honor them and respect hem, and each other because of them. the family night seemed fun, and i tried a few times to interest my parents in trying it out but they refused. my dad went to bed early so he could get up early for work at the seabee base. my mom liked to watch payton place.

i wanted to be a mormon. i finally had the nerve to sit my mom down, in the study, and tell her. furious doesn't even touch her reaction. she came short of telling me i could no longer associate with this friend. of course she then made it hard and every time i asked to do somethign with her and her family mom had an excuse as to why i couldn't. she then sat me down to tell me all the "truth" about mormons. whatever. i was 15 at the time i stopped attending church at all. the lds church has never been far from my thoughts or my heart.

i married and we raised our children in the united methodist church and i was happy. very happy in fact. then i moved to washington 8 years ago. i church shopped, but never found a church i really cared for. we settled on a presbyterian church here in town, but again i settled.

there is a large mormon population here in town. i am drawn to it. drawn to it. i find myself reading lds sites. learning all i can. every time i see the missionaries around town i pray they will stop and talk to me. sit with me. pray with me. so far nothing.

i don't know how to shake this or if i even should. why should i? why can't i become mormon? can't people join the church at 51? from all i have read i know i can, i just need some help.

i'll keep praying. what else can i do?

The Sunday Times

2009-07-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

today it's all about the food . . .

the smells waifing from the kitchen are exciting. i've decided to create a mexican feast for dinner tonight. simple. delicious.

on the menu are chicken enchiladas complete with verde sauce. the tomatillos are cooked and pureed. the garlic and onion added. the cilantro chopped. the jalapeno chopped. all pureed into a liquid that tastes oh so good to the palette. the chicken is roasted and ready for shredding. soon will be time to combine and mix and create the dish topping it with mexican creme. again, it all smells so very good.

the beans are boiling on the stove. the onions added to the chicken stock along with three different kinds of peppers, salt and pepper to wed them all together. the smell is making my mouth water for a taste. the tasting is the best part.

waiting to be done is the ground beef for the tacos. i have all the peppers chopped, the onion chopped and the seasonings waiting to go in when i begin. as if cooks i will cut up the avocado, green onion, lettuce, tomato and shred the jack cheese.

all-in-all a very good dinner tonight.

tameron lens give away . . .
and there is a give-away, and boy do i want this lens for my nikon. check out the link here.
http://mcpactions.com/blog/2009/07/08/win-an-slr-lens-brand-new-tamron-lens-%e2%80%93-18-270mm-or-28-300mm/#comment-15314

saturday in forks

2009-07-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

in search of all things vampire . . .

we have been in forks, wa this weekend. we came up on friday morning and have managed to do everything that has anything, or maybe not, with twilight. forks has embraced their notoriety and made their town so welcoming to the gazillions of fans descending on them in search of their favorite vampire.

kelsey has had a great time. she is so excited to text her friends from forks and tell them all we've done and managed to see.

taking mom out of the house is't proving to be a good thing. this is the first time we've taken her anywhere since las vegas and it hasn't gone well at all. being out of her own environment has her confused and nervous. she keeps asking the same questions over and over again. she isn't really able to walk with us so mr. roll has been having to sit with her while kelsey and go in and out of the twilight shops. we've decided that we can't bring her with us anymore and we'll have to look into respite care.

all-in-all though it's a good weekend getaway and we are having a great time.

friday feelings

2009-07-09T18:28:00.000-07:00

why me? how on earth did i end up in this position? today has been both a good day and a miserable day to endure.

kelsey arrived today. we are so excited to have her here for 10 days. unfortunately, the driver side window in my car got stuck in the down position so we had to take mr. roll's car to the airport to get her. fortunately that meant we had the perfect excuse not to take mom with us. mr. roll, at 6'5, is so tall that the seat has to be pushed all the way back for his legs so no one can sit behind him making his car not ok to have mom in while needing to have kelset in there too. so nice to not have to take mom to the airport with us.

mr. roll and i were on the list to pick kelsey up, so we we could go back to the gate and meet the plane. mom was not on the list so wouldn't be able to go back. meaning that mr. roll or i would have to sit with her. neither of us wanted to be the one to stay behind with her. mom sitting at the airport waiting is unbearable and annoying all rolled into one. she nags about how long it's taking. she threatens to walk home. she complains about the time it's taking. she threatens to walk home. at some point one gets to frustrated with her it's tempting to let her walk home. it's tempting to not yell at her and tell her to shut-up. it's like having a 120lb 2 year old, except a 2 year old can understand better what is going on. mom has no idea what is happening nor what she is saying.

god blessed us with a broken window and we were off the hook. kurt was here to watch mom and we were off to the airport. free. it doesn't happen often so we enjoyed every minute of it. after we had kelsey we headed out to lunch, then to target, then to fred meyers, and finally home 7 hours after leaving the house this morning.

tomorrow we are heading off to forks in search of vampires. i wish we had arranged for kurt to stay here with mom for the weekend, but i didn't. i thought she would be ok to take along. why do i have such a hard time accepting how bad her mental health is? she's 90. there is going to be a lot of walking invovled in our pursuit of all things vampire and i know she cannot do it, which is going to make me upset and everyone else walking on eggshells. i want this to be a fun weekend for kelsey.

i have had such high hopes for this trip. you know how you build something in your mind and then reality hits you smack in the face? this is what is going on with me right now. reality. mom. fun in forks. mr. roll had to come and tell me he just got around to making reservations and we are staying at the motel 8. i bite my tongue and didn't yell at him. i know it was hard for him to have to tell me this, as he knows in my plan we were staying somewhere nice, and he had to break it to me that there was no room at any of the better inns. it seems everyone is heading to forks, this weekend, in seach of vampires. add this to my list of complaints.

vent it out and let it go. let it go. let it go. don't ruin this for kelsey. we are not spending time at the motel, we are only sleeping there with the dogs no less. let it go.

we'll still eat good food--absolutely no chain junk and no fast food and gor goodness sake no subway. how does mr. roll stomach that crap? they use fake meat and i don't even eat real meat. we'll eat good food and enjoy each others company. we'll walk a lot. talk a lot. laugh a lot. and we'll have fun in forks in search of vampires.

i will find my good place. i will get to bed early and sleep well tonight so i have rested and in a good mood for the day ahead. lord, please be with me. be with me tomorrow as you have been today. it's all good in god's hands.

tuesday thoughts

2009-07-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

zak, my youngest son, sent me this picture that he took of me in chicago. we had been up since 3:00am, as we had to be at united arena (where the bulls play) by 4am. we were waiting for our dinner cruise to begin boarding and i was exhausted. i look like i'm in a daze, but i still like the picture.

mr. roll has been so sick. i had him to the doctor on monday (also had a test done on myself and it came back that i indeed have a uti, which is not a good thing for me as i have kidney disease and have recently gone septic.) mr. roll's condition is much more serious than mine. he has colon cancer that has spread to both his lungs and his cough is getting worse. painful. louder. painful for me to hear, so i knew it was time to call.

we had tried to call on friday, but the office was closed for the 4th holiday weekend. mr. roll didn't want to do the emergency room because his care is "different" from your average person showing up with a bad cough. he needed to see his oncologist or primary care doctor both which obviously know he has cancer and how it's being treated, and know that he doesn't have bronchitis.

after we left the doctor's office we headed on down the hill it ikea. i've been needing to get there for a week now to buy a futon. my niece is coming on thursday and we needed to get a futon for her to sleep on in the office. we've been wanting to get this for over a year now, so her visiting forced us to get going on it. in the process i am also cleaning up the office. i've told mr. roll that he is to keep it clean. i think that is one of those instructions that goes in one ear and out the other. oh well.

today i went back to physical therapy. i should have been back long ago, but i let my fear of failure and falling keep me away. linda, my pt is amazing and is already figuring out what to do to help me walk better. she is also agreeing that the yoga is perfect for me, in fact she asked me to please tell my good friend, kim, about it and encourage her to go wtih me. kim and i were meeting at starbucks, after i was done with pt, and linda joined us so we all talked about the benefits of yoga for people suffering from or recovering from serious illness and injury. kim is coming with me tomorrow to yoga. i am very happy.

and i didn't fall one time at physical therapy. i trust linda, for one, but i was able to and in fact did even better walking when i didn't try so hard to do it. i am going to get better. i know i am. it's been forever since i felt like this.

saturday holiday

2009-07-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

we were invited over to linda's today for a bbq. actually this is what we do every 4th of july. linda has a new home it was wonderful to see her looking so beautiful. so healthy. enjoying life with a new man. a christian man.

mr. roll is sick but he came along with me. i think he enjoyed getting out of the house for a bit and even eating a lot of good good great food. i took along my ice cream maker and made blueberrie ice cream and it was a big hit. i haven't made ice cream is so long i am surprised i remembered how. it was good. i think tomorrow i am going to make peach ice cream. my dad made the best peach ice cream with peaches from his yard--it was so good. i will try to recreate it.

tonight i had a little xanga upset. i blogged on xanga for several years and was actively involved in a blogging community. i truely loved the group. my youngest son came out to me 5 years ago, on the day after christmas. he is gay. it wasn't a shock or anything else and all was and still is good. i was very open with my real-life-friends, most of whom knowmy son. i was not open with the online friends that i met through xanga. my gut feeling was that it wouldn't be ok. they were for the most part very conservative. looking back i can't imagine how i even became friends with 99.9% of them, but i did.

i told a woman i had come to love like my sister. i never heard from her again. not only that but she told someone else. i was dropped like a hot potato. questions they demanded answers to like, "how can you allow your sinning son and his friends to come into your home?" whats on earth gives a christian the right to ask me a question like that? i have been judged. i have had emails sent to me that have offended me. hurt me. i have felt so vulnerable.

i eventually walked away. walked out of xanga. i didn't close my blog, i simply stopped going to it. then i came to blogspot, by way of momlogic. i wanted to respond to someone, so i opened a blog. now i use it.

while i do not go to my blog, i do still follow al the blogs on xanga i was subbed to. yes, this means i still read the blogs of the people who have judged me. i do this because i am still interested in what they are doing. what i have learned though is they may call themselves christian but thei actions speak louder than their words. they are angry, hurtful, evil filled people who would rather judge another than try to love and understand them. coming to this realization has been good for me. so good that i am ready to not read the blogs anymore and at least unsub from them all. in doing this i will be gone from xanga once and for all.

this evening i decided to go to a few of the blogs i was cloest to the authors on. one woman in particular i assumned we were still friends. maybe i had my head in the sand, i mean she hasn't responded to 3 messages. tonight, reading her blog and the comments of two others besides myself i saw thatshe had responded to them together to thank them for their support, etc. she completely ignored me as if i wasn't there. in her world i don't exisit so i am not there.

my heart is broken. sad. i feel so awful about myself. in the big picture i cannot be friends with these people if they can't accept that i have gay son that i love. i have a gay son that comes to my house to visit me. he calls me. he comes out here on his day off, about once a month, to take his 90 year old grandma out to lunch. honestly these people would be hard pressed to find something complainable about him. he graduated from college and he has a great job that he loves and they love him. how can a group of christians decide i am the unforgivable sinner simply because they don't like that i love and have a close relationship with my son, who happens to be gay. talk about wwjd? certainly not what they are doing.

i'm sad that this one particular woman has chosen to end our friendship. we live on opposite sides of the country so we were never able to meet in person, but we had a healthy online friendship. or so i thought.

the other issue for me is that these, so called christians, have spent a lot of time discussing me with one another so they could decide on a spokesperson for the group. in the real world this is called gossiping, but boy did the spokesperson set me straight when i called that out. i like nothing worse than someone quoting scripture at me instead of answering me straightout.

that is off my chest now.

friday feelings

2009-07-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

can it really be july 3rd already?

today was 90 degrees outside. we don't get a lot of days like this here in western washington. i love them.

i spent the morning cleaning up upstairs and trying to get it ready for kelsey to get here. on sunday we have to make a trip to ikea to buy a new bed to put in the office so she has something to sleep on. i am so excited for her to come. our first stop, after picking her up at the airport, is forks, washington. kelsey is the biggest twilight fan and cannot wait to visit forks and see where edward and bella came to life. i am thrilled to be able to do this with her.

we'll stay in port angeles for the weekend and then come bac home. we have a lot of things planned to do with her while she is here. i want her to have the best time!

today i took mom out to bonney lake to do some shopping. i ended up at marshells where i found yoga shoes and several new yoga pants and tops. i also found a dress to wear to the bbq at linda's house tomorrow, and of course shoes to go with it. and being as i am not the most patriotic person, it is not red, white, or blue. it's pretty. feminine and pretty. mr. roll will love it.

linda hosts a bbq every 4th of july and i love a potluck. tomorrow i am taking pesto pasta salad, deviled eggs, salsa and chips, and i baked a lemonade cake and will frost it tomorrow with whipped cream, blueberries and strawberries.

mr. roll and i were supposed to go out to dinner tonight at salty's for our anniversary. were supposed to go. we didn't go. he is sick. sick. sick. i hate cancer so much. he assures me he really wants to go out with me to celebrate and we will. he promised we will. it will be random though depending on when he is having a good day. the joys of living with cancer. i want my husband to be better. to feel good.

wednesday wine

2009-07-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

another beautiful day here on the plateau.

i was up early and off to starbucks for my regular triple grande latte, and then off to yoga. came home and grabed mom to run off to the market. mom loves to go to the market. then it was back home.

pulling up to the house i noticedthat bear was outside and i had a little panic attack. you see, bear will stay in the yard,l but his cohorts lucy and harley do not stay in the yard and escape by digging under the fence. yikes. thankfully as i darted for the front door i saw kurt's bicycle in the driveway and realized that he had let the dogs out and all was well.

kurt is mom's caregiver and a blessing to us all. whie he was with mom the rest of day, sitting out on the deck reading the bible and then playing dominos, i was able to get some work done. i took my laptop out to the backyard and worked at the table, trying to get a paper done for entry in the paralegal program at the university of washington. i have got to get this sent off asap!

of course the garden called me . . . so i did a little gardening. quess what i found when i began racking som leaves from a far corner? pumpkins! pumpkins i planted 2 years ago have come back to life this year. they have been sheltered from the elements with all the maple leaves on top of them and they survived and the plants look beautiful. i am thrilled.

dinner tonight is chicago style deep dish pizza. zak and i ate at pissaria uno while we were in chicago and it was the best pizza ever! so i looked up the recipe online and made it tonight. it smells so good. i made an antipasta salad to go with it. delicious.

blessings.

tuesday thoughts

2009-06-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

happy anniversary mr. roll

7 years ago today we were married.

after 5 years of long distance dating, we made the a covenant before god, our family, and friends to love honor and cherish each other or as long as we both shall live.

i still remember everything about this day.

especially the smile on mr. roll's face as i walked out onto the deck to join him.

to become his wife.

to become mrs. roll

mr. and mrs. roll

i do.

i still do.

and i would do it all over again.

happy anniversary to us.

"Not Me" Monday

2009-06-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

i really do find myself an impeccable fashionista (lol)

on a week long trip to chicago with my 25 year old son, i did not come out of the bathroom, in our hotel, and ask him to help me hook my bra every morning.

after bible study thursday night i was talking to several friends and the conversation turned towards bras--something we all wear. we were discussing our favorite labels and i spoke up about wacol, my personal favorite and i must own 30 of them. my friend linda lifted her shirt to show us her new bra from victoria secret, and then i did not, without even thinking, lift up my shirt to show my standby wacol . . . oops, no bra. i did not go off to bible study with nothing on under my t-shirt and sweater.

weight loss can be a good thing unless it's sunday and i am working in the garden. i did not lose my shorts while weeding the side yard. nope, that did not happen.

tonight, making burgers for dinner, i did not slip leftover sliced beets onto mr. roll's burger and no tell him/warn him that i did this. sometimes it's just hard to toss things out, especially when i find them delicious, but mr. roll is doesn't.

that about does it for me tonight.

enjoy your week everyone.

monday musings

2009-06-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

ever feel like a slug? i woke up this morning feeling energized and excited to get to yoga. i made coffee, dressed, and headed out the door. i had thought i'd walk over but the decided to go to the tanning salon while i was out so i drove. feeling guilty as i pulled into the parking lot taking up a space and seeing the back of my house as i exited the car and walked to the room. guilty i say.

kurt was scheduled to come over and take care of mom today so i had the day "off". well, i was so tired from yoga i didn't go to tan thinking i would go later in the day. i came home and fell fast asleep and woke up at 4:30pm. i slept from noon until 4:30p,. that is rediculous, but i have to believe i needed the sleep. i had all kinds of things on my agenda for the day and didn't do any of them.

i appreciated having kurt here with mom so i could sleep undisturbed. i'm still tired tonight and i hope i am feeling much more alert tomorrow.

Sunday Sonshine

2009-06-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

great day today. mr. roll and i helped out at our church's "faith in action sunday". faith in action is something we do in our community by going out into our community and doing projects. today we worked at garrett park, right by our home. mr. roll painted the baseball backstop and i did hospitality. hospitality included offering treats of cookies and cupcakes, lemonaide and ice tea to the skate boarders in the park, and anyone else there too. there were about 50 of us working throughout the park and it was true fellowship in the community.

afterwards i had to stop by the market to pick up a few things for dinner tonight and 3 different people said they saw me at the park working and said how good the park looked after we all finished. they wanted to know what church we were and thanked us. one gentleman even said he might come to church next saturday night. god in action.

mom wasn't able to come today, but she stayed home and down just like i asked her to. this afternoon she sat outside while i worked in our yard. she kept telling me she wished she could help me, but i assured her i was fine and to just stay put on the deck. after a while she came in to take a nap. i followed her about 5:00pm.

i was fine until i tried to use the weed whacker. my left should blade was not letting me win over the weed whacker. tonight i am so sore i can hardly stand it. septic shock has left me as half the person i was before december 08. i can't do simple things anymore.

tomorrow morning i start my yoga classes. i used to do yoga and then when i went back to work my schedulke was so crazy i couln't keep the class schedule. i am so excited to get back to it. i am basically a different person physically now though and they have a class just for people like me called "gentle/thereputic". it's for people who have a serious illness or recovering from one. septic shock certainly counts there. i'm going 3x's a week. after i get aclimated back into yoga i hope to be able to add tai chi to my regime. i want so badly to be in better shape and the only way for that to happen is for me to get up and make it happen. my doctors are encouraging me and suggested yoga and tai chi.

it was also fun today to spend time out in our yard with mr. roll. we mowed and weeded and cleaned up things. fun to do it all with him. it was a good day together.

a beautiful day weather wise too. sunny and so warm. i made a pot roast for dinner which didn't exactly fit the weather, but i knew i would be tired and pot roast is a simple slow cooker meal. it was perfect. so perfect in fact that lucy helped herslef to the leftover 1/2 roast sitting on the kitchen counter. bad girl she is.

we make our own dog food so when i make a pot roast i make a couple or more roasts at one time to make dog food with. tonight mr. roll gave lucy some gravy but she got no meat with her. harley and bear, on the other hand, had their bowls filled to th rim with delicious put roast mixed with grains. happy dogs they are.

blessings.

saturday in seattle

2009-06-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

it's been a very good saturday.

first we were invited to attend a dance recital for the son of good friends. i want to sign up for ballet. do you think there is a teacher out there who takes middle aged women? i can onl yhope there is.

we took mom with us and she was able to sit through it all. she did get a little figgety after the intermission, but settled down and was quiet. it's like taking a 3 year old along. the difference is that babysitters are available for a 3 year old, and not for a 90 year old. mom is 90, but when you ask her how old she is she responds, "i am 90 years and 7 months." how on earth she remembers that is beyond me, but she does and it makes me smile.

after we came home mr. roll wasn't feeling very good. cancer sucks. he went to rest on the bed and i headed outside to straighten up the deck off the family room. that turned into watering the tomatoes and peppers, and then i started pulling weeds. after being gone for so long between las vegas and chicago, the yard is in dire need of attention. i've been trying, but there is just so much to be done so today i picked a section and began weeding. well, i hadn't changed my clothes from the recital so my linen skirt quickly became riddled with mud. i hadn't planned on doing so much, but once i get out there in the yard i just get carried away.

gardening is my love. i feel free out in the yard. soaking up the vitamin d. my skin turning a golden brown while my hair lightens to a white blonde.

tomorrow we are volunteering, with out church, at garrett park. i baked 100 cupcakes to take along. we are working in the park and then bbqing lunch for the skate boarders in the park and neighbors surrounding the park. mr. roll and i enjoy doing this with the church.

tonight, at church, i volunteered to help with vacation bible school doing the refreshments for the week. i also volunteered to be on the "green team". i haven't been involved in the church for some time and i am nervous abot stepping back in, but it is time. god be with me and help me live up to what i am signing up for.

blessings.

friday feelings

2009-06-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

farrah died. cancer sucks.

mr. roll has cancer. he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, and told he had 6-18 months right after our first anniversary. i can still remember clearly my conversation with the nurse on the phone telling me that i needed to get him into the doctor for some tests and my telling her we were set to leave for lake tahoe, so couldn't we do it when we got back to seattle. she said, "mrs. roll your husband has cancer and you need to cancel your vacation." i will remember those words for the rest of my life. talk about a life defining moment. cancer.

i sobbed through 'farrah's story" tonight. sitting here with mr. roll watching it. he was silent. so silent i couldn't hear him breathing. i sobbed. uncomfortable that i was crying in front of him. i don't cry over cancer in front of him. i am a rock of sorts. not really. i hate cancer so much.

it's 5 years later and mr. roll is still here. he still has cancer. research has improved 9thank you katie couric) and every time we are told there is nothing more to do, research develops and it works. the cancer is still there though always out smarting the research. cancer sucks.

farrah showed the world what it really is like to live with this disease. it's not fun. it's not easy on anyone. not the patient. not the family. it's hard. it's controls our life. but i am happy we still have a life.

good job farrah. rest in peace angel.

thursday thoughts

2009-06-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

While I have been blogging for some time now I don’t feel as if I have ever had anything to say that is of any importance to the rest of the blogging community. At least not anything of importance to anyone but me, i am after all not raising a child with a terminal illness, nor am i suffering from a terminal illness, so how can my story even remotely compare? It cannot. I recently switched from xanga (land) to blotspot and I find the blogs a lot more interesting here. A lot more relevant to life in general, I find myself most fascinated with the story telling blogs; stories about overcoming tragedy in life.

But what about my story? I have yet to come across someone writing about being in the throes of the “sandwich generation”. Do most people even know what this is? Do they know what it implies to be in the “sandwich generation”? Do people know how hard it is? That just when you think you are to the point in life when life can become all about “me” it doesn’t? It becomes all about caretaking, again. But this time the caretaking is harder and more insistent, and there are no babysitters to help when you need a break, or need a date with your partner. Caretaking becomes a 24/7 job with no end in sight. And the end is not something you ever want to think about happening.

My story begins back in June 2002. June 30th to be exact, the day I married Mr. Roll. Mr. Roll and I met back in 1998, and finally the day arrived when he would take me as his bride. We left the next day for Hawaii and the beginning of a wonderful life together.

Thanksgiving was on the horizon and we invited my 85 year old mom, who lived in southern California to come stay with us through both Thanksgiving and Christmas. She did, leaving on January 6th 2003. About a month later she called and after telling me how much she missed us and how lonely she was I suggested she sell her home and move to Washington. She did. On May 23rd, she moved to Washington to live near us.

Near us never came to be. Mom moved in with us and we became aware that living on her own was no longer an option for her, or us. She would be living with us. We hadn’t been married one year and we’d lost our freedom.

Freedom.

Here we are 6 years later still trying to understand how we arrived here and still trying to have time alone together. We haven’t progressed well on either front. Mom is 90 now and pretty much glued to me 24/7. Does she need to be? No. Does she need care? Yes, but not 24/7 care. We also pay a caretaker to come in and help, but mom is insistent that she be with me every other minute of the day.

Freedom.

Our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up next week and we will try to get out eating, and celebrating our day. Mom will have a fit about it. She’ll complain and she will cry eventually throwing a temper tantrum over the fact that we do not want to take her with us. She will do everything but understand that this is our special day and we want to spend it together.

Freedom.

What is today like? I just returned from a trip to Chicago. I went there with my youngest son. It was a good trip and just what I needed to regain myself from the care of my mom. But returning comes with consequences. Mom expects me to devote myself to her now and take not a minute to myself, not even an unaccompanied minute to use the bathroom in solitude. Not even to get a drink of water in less than 10 seconds or she is up looking to see what is taking me so long to get back to her. Today is a day spent in the family room with mom. She sits on the sofa playing solitaire and I sit with my laptop.

There must be other people in blogland that are experiencing this phenomenon called the “sandwich generation”.

saturday in chicago

2009-06-20T23:23:00.000-07:00

zak and i are in chicago. we had to be at the united center at 5am for the bginning of the american idol audition process. it was thankfully quick and painless. he goes back on monday, again at 5am to perform for the producers. god willing we will then be on the way to los angeles. god willing. god knows how this all turns out and it is so hard to not know ourselves. praying is all i have at this stage and always.

thursday thankfulls

2009-06-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

american idol. i am a proud mom. zak is auditioning. he's wanted to do this for years now and if he doesn't do it now he will be too old next time. it's a one in a million shot, but it doesn't matter. he's doing it. he can say he tried. i am a proud mom, i am.

he booked us into a beautiful hotel (every mother should have a gay son:). we're going to see "wicked". the 5 days we are there will be filled with fun. they will also be filled with sitting in the humid heat in line praying that he gets to go before the judges. whatever.

i'm going to miss mr. roll. it seems like i just returned from las vegas after being away for a month and now i am off again. i think when i return frm chicago i want to plan a trip for us. maybe a river trip in utah? on a blog i read (cjane) she wrote about rampant modesty in utah. what is rampant modesty? i'm from berkeley and modesty is not rampant in the bay area of california. now i am in seattle and while modesty is not rampant it's not berkeley either. yes, i think it's time to put together a river trip to utah for mr. roll and myself.

wednesday wantings

2009-06-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

today has been a day of drivin and errand running with a few important visits thrown in too. mom and i both had doctor appointments. mom's to check-in after her stroke and heart attacks. for 90 years old she is doing incredible! i wish i could say the same for myself. my blood work i had done weeks ago is showing i am low low low in b-6, b-12, potassium, magnesiam, calcium. not a good thing at all. i now must go in once a month for a follow-up and a shot. i don't like shots. not at all. but i also don't like the thought mf my heart giving out on me from the lack of potassium.

i spent the entre day with mom, and tonight i am ready to send her to bed. too bad she won't go. the repeated questions are driving me nuts. asking me when i'm going to chicago literally every 15 minutes. asking when i'm going to chicago literally every 15 minutes. follwoing me around the house to ask me when i'm going to chicago lierally every 15 minutes. i can't handle it much more. i'm always torn between whether to tell her anything at all due to her excessive manic obsessive behavior which she carries in her head and cannot let go of. what i wouldn't give for a quiet day in my home to straighten up and work in the garden alone. peace and quiet. i honestly don't remember what it's like. sandwich generation, that is what they refer to this state of living as. in the big picture i can say that i don't have boomarang children. they graduated from college and secured great jobs in the field of choice and never move back home after graduating.

i'm really not a horrible person, i'm just in need at an hour of solitude in my day. i thought mr. roll and i would be celebrating out life together doing all kinds of wonderful things together all the time. not. mom moved in with us when we'd been married 6 months and we can count, on one hand, the number of times we've had time alone together since. the kid are raised, graduated from college, and out on their own and it is our turn now. sandwich generation. nothing prepared us for this.

it's odd how one person in the family seems to be the 'one' that takes on aging mom and dad. it's nothing that is spoken of and decided on. it simply happens and it's 'you'. in the case of my family it is 'me'. me. me. not a simgle offer of help from the siblings. nada. nothing. just me. they get by with aphone call once a week. i take care of their mother 24/7 and the offer a phone call on sunday to say 'hi' with no offer to help, or come stay with her so mr. roll and i can go away for a week or two. we can't even go spend christmas with mr. roll's family in minneapolis because we have mom with us, and my sisters are too busy at the holidays with their won families. what is wrong with this?

it's been a grumpy day and i am tired and ready to forget about it. i want my mom to head to bed so i can spend some time with mr. roll just sitting and being quiet watching movie. dreaming.

dinner tonight is pot roast. it's mr. roll's favorite dinner and since i'm leaving town friday i thought i'd make it for him. i'm serving it over mashed potatoes. it's cooking in the oven, where it has been for the last 6 hours, and the house smells so good. when mr. roll came home from work the first thing he said was "pot roast?" and he had a huge grin on his face. i do love this man.

i wish i could share how to make my pot roast, but i simply toss things in--literally. the only basic is 2 white onions, 2 carrots, 4 celery, salt, pepper, red wine, beef stock. and then it depends what i have on the spice rack--rosemary, oregano, bay leaf, etc. always brown the pot roast in vegetable oil before adding everything else. i then either do it in the slow cooker or the oven depending on how large the roast is. today it was too big for the slow cooker and i had to use the oven. i still need to do the potatoes and biscuits. good dinner tonight.

monday musings

2009-06-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

i'm on a new kick to declutter my home. seriously decluttering. i did this two years ago and it was the best feeling in the world to begin tossing things into the back of the truck to haul to the dump. i didn't throw everything away, no, i sorted through things and i had a weekend yard sale and donated all the money to world vision. it felt good.

this time i don't think i have the energy for a yard sale, but i am giving most of the things away. i have boxes of yarn packed up to mail to a friend in west virginia, and boxes of clothes packed up to mail to sisters and friends across the country. there is some furnitue to put out on the weekend with a "free" sign on it, and if no one takes it on saturday we'll take it to donate at the ministry outreach program in town. it feels good.

today i woke up and i knew what i needed to do. i had been putting it off for week, but i could no longer find other projects to occupy my time. it was time to steam and vacuum the carpets and wood floors. why do i put this off? i mean the floors looks beautiful when i finish and it's not that difficult to do them. i keep standing in the dining room looking out into the living room at the carpets and smile--the carpet looks so fresh and clean. i love a clean home (which isn't always how my home looks.)

we've been back from las vegas for a week today and mom seems to be doing better everyday. for a 90 year old woman, never sick a day in her life, having a stroke on the plane to las vegas and then 3 heart attacks at the hospital, well she's recovering amazingly well. god has blessed her this is for sure. her right hip is bothering her so that she can't walk very well and is using her walker, but i pleaded with her to stay off of it today and she did, so that tonight it is feeling much better. now if i can just get her to take it slow for a couple of more days so it can really heal up.

tonights dinner was "tortilla soup with cheese quesadillas". this tortilla soup is the best soup i have ever made. mr. roll loved it. mom loved it. i loved it. i even left my son a message to stop by and collect the leftovers so he could share in our love of this soup.

tortilla soup

soup ingredients:
2 tablespoons butter
1 cup chopped onions
4 teaspoons chopped garlic
1 poblano pepper, seeded and chopped, 1 pasilla pepper seeded and chopped, and 1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and chopped
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
2 tablespoons creole seasoning (you can find this in the spice asile of your market)
2 tablespoons tomato paste
6 cups chicken stock
1 1/2 - 2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts, trimmed and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro leaves
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
2 cups vegetable oil, for frying
6 stale corn tortillas, cut into 1/4-inch-thick strips
1 avocado, peeled, seeded, and chopped, for garnish
5 green onions sliced, for garnish
Chipotle Crema, accompaniment (recipe follows)
soup directions:
in a dutch oven melt the butter on medium-high heat.
dd the onions, garlic, peppers, salt, cumin, and coriander, creole seasoning and stir for 5 minutes. add the tomato paste and cook, stirring, for 1 minute.
add the chicken stock and bring to a simmer. simmer for 20 minutes.
add the chicken and simmer for 5 minutes.
add the cilantro and lime juice, and stir well.
continue to simmer on low until ready to serve.
tortilla strips:
heat the oil in a heavy pot or electric fryer to 350 degrees F.
add the tortilla strips in batches and fry until golden and crisp, 1 1/2 to 2 minutes.
Remove with a slotted spoon and drain on paper towels.
Season with the salt if desired (i don't.)

Ladle the soup into 4 or 6 serving bowls.
Garnish each serving with the diced avocado, sliced green onions, the fried tortilla strips, and Chipotle Crema.

chipotle crema:
1 cup sour cream
3 or more (depending on how spicy you like it) tablespoons chopped chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (you can find this in a small can on the hispanic food section, of your market)
1/8 teaspoon salt
crema directions:
blend ingredients together in food processor on high speed until smooth.

i originally came by this recipe on the food network via emeril lagasse. through the years i have changed it up and spiced it up. it is the best soup and it's good any time of year.

Sunday Sonshine

2009-06-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

it's been too too long since i've posted on my own blog, although i have commented on a lot of blogs during thi time. i guess i just haven't felt connected to this one. haven't bonded with it yet. i gave up, but i have missed my random writing and thoughts.

this weekend mr. roll whisked me off to leavenworth for an overnight. it's the first time we've been off overnight in almost 3 years. too long. too long indeed. we had one of mom's caretakers stay with her saturday morning thru sunday afternoon, and off we went. it was wonderful being together and out of town alone enjoying each other and talking and laughing together. we didn't spend a lot of money, we simply enjoyed each other a lot :)

it seems that as things have taken a turn for the worse with mom, we've managed to realize we need to devote time to each other and not neglect our marriage. the last thing i want to have happen is for mom's health issues to be the demise of my marriage and i know my mom doesn't want this. we have been so blessed with angel cregivers and i need to let them take care of mom while mr. roll and i take care of our marriage and concentrate on each other.

leavenworth was so fun. the barvarian town in eastern washington. it's as if time stood still and we stepped back into it upon arriving. the weather was perfect, the german sausages were everywhere as were the bakeries, and the beer pubs. the only downside, if you can call it that, was that the bed in our hotel was very european and that means it was a "full" size bed. imagine mr. roll at 6'5 sliding into that small bed? i suggested that i sleep in one and he in the other so he had more room but he frowned on that idea. he wanted his wifey next to him. although he did fall off the bed in the middle of the night, and i woke up startled by the loud thump when he hit the floor. he said he was fine and was soon back in bed snoring. i never really went back to sleep after that afraid he was going to roll off again. full beds are not very big, and we are used to sleeping in a king bed (because he is so tall, or we would much rather have a queen size bed so we could be closer all the time.)

on friday i am leaving for chicago with my son zak. zak is auditioning for american idol. he's wanted to do this since the show first began, and decided at 25, that he'd better do it now or never and the cut off age is 28. zak sings. he graduated from washington state univeristy as a music major--piano and performance. he has no false hope of even getting to the judges, but he wants to at least try. i of course think they would be fools to ignore his talent and good looks! i am mom after all :)

our choices for audition cities were boston, atlanta, denver, los angeles, chicago, and probably a few more i can't remember. we've never been to chicago and we love to 'do" big cities so we are going there. pray.

it's good to be back.

monday musings

2009-05-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

a storm is brewing outside and it's cold.

it's colder now than it was this morning. it's so cold even the dogs don't want to go out, especially harley who is small and not as tough as bear and lucy.

yesterday was a teaser day as we had warm weather and sunshine. we worked in the yard with mr. roll mowing and did some weeding, swept leaves up, and expecially enjoyed watching mr. roll chatting with his dogs. he sure does love his dogs.

after all the years i spent on xanga i must say the bloggers in here are better. they are intelligent. they are intelligent. there isn't a lot of venting and hatred about everything. it's refreshing. the hardest part is the fact that i am beginning new and do not have any followers, and i do miss that connection with people.

check this out:
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2008/09/not-me-mondaythe-complete-rules.html

thursday thankfulls

2009-04-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

a visit to the dr. didn't turn out as i thought . . .

mr. roll met me at the dr. kane's office this afternoon where i was being seen to begin testing. testing for the residual affects of septic shock and hopefully make a diagnosis as to what i have going on inside my body.

21 vials of blood were taken from me. i feel my life is resting in those 21 vials of blood going off to labs around the country. i didn't particulary want to hear more from the doctor, but being married to an engineer means that we weren't leaving without information on what was on the list of things to look for in the blood work.

lupus.

kidney disease.

lymphoma.

not what i wanted to hear. but, it is the worst and it can get better if these are false. false. false. false. this is my prayer.

blessings,

mrs. roll

wednesday wantings

2009-04-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

today was a day of trying to work on the house

a day of taking a lot of rests . . .

a naday for an afternoon nap.

i am having such a hard time accepting this septic shock. even though i am over the sepsis, i am still having ongoing problems with my health. i go to the doctor tomorrow to begin tests to see what i may get back and what i won't get back. some of my small motor skills are gone. gone. gone. i don't know how to feel about it, but right now i am aggrevated.

i had hoped to get busy on the office today, but i couldn't. i could hardly walk and when sitting up i couldn't hold my head up. i had no muscle power today at al. so i finally just went to bed and turned on marley and me.

tomorrow is another day and i don't need to be to the doctor until 2:00, so i hope to get some housework done in the morning.

blessings,

mrs. roll

tuesday thoughts

2009-04-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

today was a magical day of nothingness . . .

i woke up early and for some reason i got up and stayed up. this is always a ood sign for me and one that causes me to pause and think that septic shock was just a nightmare and didn't really happen to me. alas it did happen, but today there was no evidence of it.

i cleaned the master bathroom and then took off for starbucks to do some writing. i had a lot more planned to do at home, but mr. roll decided to work at home which meant i could not work to clean the home office. i happily fled to a day alone in my own space and time world. it's all good.

i spent time on facebook. i worked on my letter of intent for paralegal programs in the seattle area--there are only 3. i went to seattle tan where i was introduced to a new bronzing tanning lotion, a new face cream, and a new after tan lotion. wow. i felt touched when baily, the worker at the tanning salon. told me she had the newest lotion on hold for me because she knew i would love it! i did and i bought it. wow is all i can say about it, since i already look darker. i am happy i finally bought a face cream for tanning as i know the regular lotion is too much for the face and does nothing to protect it from getting too tan, which my face is. i haven't been too tan since i was in high school sitting out on the beach covered in crisco to burn to a deep tan. that is exactly what we did back then. amazing i don't have skin cancer by now.

i am leaving for las vegas in 2 weeks and i am so ready to go. i want the warm weather and the pool to sit by. when i spoke with shannon today she mentioned that we needn't use her pool because the casino pools were now open to the public . . . i say we hit the palms or mandaly bay. whichever.

my poor dog bear has an ear infection. i must create the picture for you of bear and harley. bear is a 100lbs dog. he's a big gentle giant part retriever and part newfundland. he is the kindest dog i have ever known and he lives to make his mom (me) and dad (mr. roll) happy and content. harley is the little 20lbs guy. harley is a brussels griffon terrier, who should weight 12lbs. so to say that he is over weight is to say the least. harley loves bear so much and to watch them together is to see too soul mates. the problem is that harley licks bears ears which always leads to an infection in bears ears. all day today bear hasn't felt good. i could see this as early as this morning when he was laying on the bedroom floor with his head resting on his pink bunny. the pink bunny is his oldest and favorite toy, in fact we try to keep the other two dogs from ever touching brear's pink bunny as we know it will upset him. he dragged the pink bunny all over today as he wen toutside then into the family room to lay down and now into the family room on the couch with daddy and his head resting on his pink bunny. mr. roll will take him to see dr. heather tomorrow and get the ear drops for him. harley needs to stay away from bear's ears.

i'm going to a cabi party on friday evening and i hope to buy some new things to take to las vegas and the warm weather.

blessings,

mrs. roll

monday musings

2009-04-27T19:11:00.000-07:00

did i really sit and read 400 ages of my book this morning?

as usualy mr. roll's alarm went off at 6:30am and he got up to shower and get ready for work. i reached over to grab my book and read for a short while before getting up myself. now i didn't have a lot planned to do today but some chores to get the house in orde before the in-laws arrive on may 7th. but, i certainly did not intend to lay and read 400 pages of my book and thus stay in bed until 11:00. wow. this is a good life :)

the house needs some jobs completed before peter and nancy arrive in 2 weeks. nothing big, but i prefer to do a little each day and get a handle on getting it under control. so today i striped out the food pantry and reorganized it. what a difference. one can actually open it and see what it there without everything spilling out everywhere. the next thing i did was rip the padding off the stairs. we had removed the carpet last november when we planned to have new floors put in over the christmas holiday why mr. roll was off work. that didn't happen as septic shock took over my life and new wood floors was no longer a priority. maybe next christmas.

tuesday plan:

the office trash
rearranging the office furniture
removing the upstairs hallway padding

wednesday plan:

bedroom makeover
master bathroom makeover

friday plan:

kitchen counters
clean refridgerator

saturday plan:

yard work with mr. roll
dump run x 2

the only really big plan for next week is basic cleaning of the downstairs and i want to steam clean the carpet in the living room and family room. it's all good.

blessings,

mrs. roll

Sunday Sonshine

2009-04-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

it's good to feel so exhausted.

this morning mr. roll and i woke early to get to church by 9:00am where we were meeting up with other church members to go out into our community and do various work related projects. there was a group going to the library to clean the windows and work in the garden beds, another group working in the church social hall breaking 900lbs of rice into 3 cup bags to be taken to the local food bank, another group walking through the neighborhoods collecting canned and boxed food for the same food bank, another group preparing boxes for the teen mom program at the high school, another group writing cards to soldiers serving in iraq, another group going out to the homes of seniors to mow and weed yards, change fire alam batteries and other odds and end jobs needing done. mr. roll and i went with a group going to prepare a bbq at a homeless camp out on the green river gorge.

we enjoyed the fellowship with fellow church members some of which we knew well and others we met today and immediately became friends with. the greatest joy was meeting the men, women and children who came by to enjoy table fellowship with us. a lot of laughing, talking and having fun. this is how i see spending a sunday. doing god's work. amen.

blessings,

mrs. roll

thursday thankfulls

2009-04-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

BIBLE STUDY. it's so important to me and i am so thankful for it that i had to break out of my signature lower case only type. it is the 'it' for me. if gives me strength and reminds me of my purpose in life, that i owe all to the glory of god.

tonight we were studying romans 8. we are more than conquerors. that we are.

blessings,

mrs. roll

tuesday thoughts

2009-04-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

another day of sunshine. i took mom out this afternoon and we went to starbucks where we say outside in the warm sun and enjoyed our cool drinks and chatting with others doing the same. we get so few days like this here in the damp pacific northwest that we call come out of our caves when the sun appears. tomorrow the rain is reappearing.

as i sat sipping my cool drink i began to think about dinner tonight. while i do meal plan for the week sometimes what i planned doesn't seem "right" because the weather changed. tonight was not a baked chicken and pasta night as i don't want to heat up the kitchen and lets be honest we can eat baked chicken any time. no chicken tonight, tonight is a grilled salmon night. grilled on a plank and served with a warm buttery lemon sauce, a big salad with lots of beautiful organic leaves, and of course avocado in there too 9and whatever else i find in the veggie drawer of the fridge. good meal it will be.

i talked with shannon today about las vegas, i am so excited to gather with the girls in my family and hang out together. we've ad our moments of discontent and this time just seems different. this time it seems like all of us want to be there and be together. it's all good.

it is time to start dinner.

blessings,

mrs. roll

monday musings

2009-04-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

the sun is warm and i am enjoying sitting out on the deck, with my mom, and watching the dogs rumble on the lawn as the every once in a while stop to shout out the other neighborhood dogs, as if to let them know they are here. life is good today.

this morning i got up, showered and headed out to starbucks with my laptop. i thought i'd take some time to sit out on their patio and check email and blog, maybe even chat on facebook. sitting there the weather although sunny grew a bit windy and i got too cold so i came home to my deck to do the same. i could or should be in the house cleaning and doing laundry, but mr. roll is home sick with a cold so i prefer to keep the house quiet for him. any excuse to not do housework works wonders for me.

my zak called this morning to tell me we were invited to a friend's home for mother's day. zak is still very close to his college friends. the ones he met when he first went off to college. none of them knew each other beforehand and 4 of the 5 boys were from out of state, including my zak. zak graduated from high school in california and then moved to washington with me that same summer to begin college at wsu. his friends are amazing and the boys love to organize parties for all the parents to come to. they think of it as a reunion of sorts. i am excited to go and already trying to plan what to bring for the bbq.

i had so many plans for what i wanted to do with this new blog. i read so many blogs and a few them are fabulously good. great writing and content. i want that too. but you know what? my blog is simply about the random things that jump into my mind once my finger tips hit the keyboard. nothing more and nothing less. i need to embrace this and celebrate my own blog and what it means to me. it is for me after all.

maybe tonight we'll bbq chicken and add to dinner the leftover potato salad from last night, and cut up the watermelon. and i have artichokes in the fridge too. good dinner tonight.

blessings.

Sunday Sonshine

2009-04-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

i took the week off from blogging, but i couldn't offer you up a great reason other than i have had a wretched earache. after a trip the doctor and antibiotics i am feeling better, but still not up to par and i blame this on the residual affects of septic shock.

since "going septic" (as my doctor refers to me as) my balance has been off quite a bit. i still have trouble walking and stairs are almost impossible. i walk up our stairs slower than my 90 year old mother, and i can't count how many times i have fallen at the middle landing. my balance will return i hope, but in the meantime i grow somewhat used to it all. the ear ache seems to have thrown it off even worse and this has been most annoying.

enough complaints.

today was a beautiful sunny warm day in the pacific northwest. we haven't had spring like this yet and it's been a day to behold. i spent the afternoon sitting outside on the patio reading the sunday newspaper and eating pistachios and sushi that i went and bought--it was a craving. i didn't know at 51 years old i could have such a craving as this one for sushi. i bought some and brought it home and enjoyed a few pieces, then began sharing it with the dogs. yes, i fed sushi to my dogs. i discovered that harley and bear love sushi. lucy ate one piece, then i saw that she actually separated the fish from the rice in the california roll--smart hound dog that she is. the biggest surprise was danny, our grand-dog, who wanted nothing to do with the sushi. the first piece i offered him he took and then spit it out and wanted nothing to do with anymore. bear gobbled up danny's castoff (lol). it was such a gorgeous day and i really loved being able to sit outside and take in the sun.

tomorrow my mom's new care taker is coming over. she stopped by today as she was out walking her dog with her mom and saw that we were home. i love that she feels comfortable enough with us to do this, and mom enjoyed seeing her and spent quite some time talking out front with her. mom hasn't been too excited about my adding a second caretaker to the schedule every week and she's been very concerned that kurt, who original caretaker will feel bad knowing she now has caitlin too. i assured her that kurt know and is fine, he can only work so many hours a week as it is as he has two other people he provides home care for. caitlin is wonderful and mom simply needs to get to know her better. mom was suspicious with kurt when he first began 2 years ago and now she absolutely loves him like a member of our family, which is has become in our hearts. caitlin stopping by was a good move for getting closer to mom and i think it helped a lot. we were also able to adjust her times when she will come and this change works better for all of us. it's all good.

in one month all the girls in my family (mom, jeni, laura, shannon, kathy and myself) will be gathering at shan's house in las vegas for "girls week". we're staying for an entire week and just having fun bonding by the pool tanning. we'll be going the third week in may and i, for one, and counting the days. shannon and i are planning the week and we want family fun! you can imagine with so many girls in the family, and a mom with a strong personality, a family get together can be either good or bad, and they have been both many many times. this will be the very first time we've ever done 'just the girls' together without out kids and husbands. i'm hoping it will be just like growing up together and we'll be best friends all week. maybe? i am the eternal optimist.

sitting here on the sofa in the family room with mr. roll, and the sleeping dogs who had way too much fun running outside in the yard all day enjoying the warm weather.

blessings,

mrs. roll

friday fanfare

2009-04-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

while today didn't go exactly as i dreamed of it going, this evening i found a link to the cutest swim suit ste ever! lime ricki swimwear http://www.limericki.com/
i've ordered 3 siuts from them already and i cannot wait until they arrive. i cannot wait for my sisters to see this and love it just as much as i am :) if they are as perfect in person as they are from the website i know i will be buying more asap. enjoy.

today is the day i told myself i would once again spend running errands for and with my mom. my 90 year old mom with dementia. taking her out with me is a struggle that i find myself less and less wanting to do. she is difficult in public and she complains about everything no matter what someone is trying to do for her.

maybe being with her scares me. maybe i am afraid of doing this to my children. of becoming a problem for them. of becoming someone they do not want around. i don't want me my mom.

when i was young i worshipped my mother. she was a teacher. she was a fashionista. she had shoes and a matching handbag for every outfit in her three closets. she was a godly woman, athough she never talked about her faith or god to anyone, including me. god was just there and that seemed to be good enough for her. she was a wonderful grandmother to my boys and they adored her. for them being around her now is better than it is for me. they are patient and i am not.

i struggle with keeping mom home with us. her caretakers are angels that come in to care for her daily. fridays are my day and it's the day i dread the most. everytime i thinki can't take another day of this i stop short when i realize the alternative is a nursing home. i don't want that.

what i need right now is for mom to go to bed and leave me to have some alone time. time to regain my composure over a glass of merlot. calm my anxious heart. merlot is just the ticket.

blessings,

mrs. roll

thursday thankfulls

2009-04-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

thursday are always a good day for me. i think it's because tomorrow is friday and then the weekend is here and mr. roll is home for two whole days with me. i love to be with mr. roll.

speaking of mr. roll tomorrow he has a ct scan to see where the nasty cancer is now. his last ct scan showed he had a spot around his heart area, and the bigproblem is that they can't get to it to biopsy or do radiation on it due to organs being in the way from every direction. not good. but as always mr. roll keeps his spirits up and knows that god is in control of everything and this offers him a sense of peace and understanding.

i worry. a lot. an awful lot.

i will be with him tomorrow. he never goes to any appointment alone. something i have noticed is that women come to oncology appointments and chemotherapy an radiation in mass groups of support systems. sisters, moms, friends they all come together to support the cancer patient. men, however come alone. i am one of the few females that i see accompaning a male patient, i would never let mr. roll go through this alone. never. i've made good friends with the chemo nurses and his team of doctors treating him. it's a blessing to be able to go with him.

after the ct scan i'll come home to get mom and take her to macy's to try and find us something new to wear on easter. we'll be joining my son for brunch aboard his boat for the day. we'll be at church saturday night for the conteporary service. when i was growng up mom always dressed us all alike on holidays, and she still likes to do this even though she is now 90 and i am 51. imagine. i pick the outfits and she is happy, and that makes me happy.

blessings,

mrs. roll

wednesday wantings

2009-04-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

today has been a lazy day. lazy may be my new code word for depressed. i stayed upstairs all day reading and/or watching the food network.

i used to adore paula on the food network. my southern roots loved her and i certaily related to all her fried food and love of mayo and real buter, but lately she is getting on my nerves. i don't eat the food of my youth and i grew tired of seeing paula deen prepare it and eat it. i would often comment to myself that the woman is killing herself.

of course my mom and her siblings are all still healthy and they've eaten this food their entire lives. being both french and southern guarantees that whatever is prepared will be covered in a cream based gravey. the joys of cream based gravey. i shouldn't be so hard on paula deen.

i've spent a little time today determined to figure out what is wrong with me physically. determined to have information to take to my doctor. out of the blue i came upon "celiac disease". it was a bit scary that this would be so close to the symtoms i am having. my seaching for something comes along after i went 'septic' in december.

septic shock knocked me fora loop and my health has not been the same since. functioning is a dat to day event for me. i am hesitant to make plans for fear i won't be up for it once the day arrives. we've made plans for easter sunday with my son zak and i am adament that i will follow through and be able to participate. we've also been invited to a party on saturday night and we must attend this. praying it all goes well within my body to fulfill these events.

it's all good.

blessngs,

mrs. roll

tuesday thoughts

2009-04-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

Latte, blueberry lemon muffin, laptop, warn sunshine. What more could I ask for? World peace maybe, that’s a bit out of my range of accomplishing, so I’ll stick to “no, there is nothing more I could ask for today.” My triple grande latte is perfection and then some. While others may cringe at starbucks, I am a loyal seattle fan and while peet’s is my all-time fav, starbucks does me daily and I am happy.

I am on a mission to add a little junk to my trunk. Today before stepping in the shower I forced myself across the bathroom to face, head-on, the dreaded scale. I will assume, and I know I am about to make huge generalized statement here, but I still choose to assume that most women dread seeing the number on the scale out of fear and denial that it could possibly read higher than they know they weigh. Yes, most people prefer to live in denial and believe they still weigh what memory tells them they weighed in high school, which may or may not be a true account of high school weight. Regardless, I avoid the scale for the opposite reason in that I do not want to see the latest low number. I really do need to add some junk to my trunk. Poor mr. roll has even offered to give me some of his junk to fatten me up a little.

Weightloss has not always been my problem, in fact for a 5’7, 51 year old woman I’ve maintained a 140lb’s for the fast 5 years. I was a size 8 right off the rack and I was pleased with this. My closest if full of amazing outfits all in size 8. The problem is that I am now a size 4. This does not make me happy. Even my feet have shrunk and what used to be a perfect size 8, is now more a size 7. Again, I need some junk in my nonexistent trunk. My backside has all but disappeared.
So what is going on? Last December I was diagnosed with septic shock. The beginning of December I thought I had a bladder infection and I kept putting off the trip to the doctor due to work demands and a lack of time. one night it became so painful mr. roll had to take me to the emergency room where after tests and a ct scan they told me I had kidney stones and to see the urologist the next day to take care of it. I did. It was a Friday and he doctor saw me first thing that morning, the receptionist telling me to come in on an empty stomach in case he decided to laser the stones that day. He decided to do just that. Mr. roll was with me through it all and he took me home that night to rest.

On Monday mr. roll went to work and when he came home he found me unconscious in bed. 911 was called and rushed me to the local hospital. After more tests and another ct and mri, it was determined I had “gone septic”. I never regained consciousness while at the emergency room. They sedated me further in order to put me on a respirator and then airlifted me to Swedish in seattle. At Swedish I was in icu, in a coma, and I woke up the day after Christmas knowing nothing.

It is understandable that I would lose some weight after being in the hospital for such a time as this, but once home and really beginning to heal physically and mentally I thought I would regain some of the lost poundage. That has not been the case and I continue to lose on average of 2lbs/week. Not ok I tell you.

This morning I was 124lbs. my denim is all hanging one me. I have a closet full of “sevens”, “Hudson”, “joe’s”, “William rust”. “paige”. Mind you not a single pair fit me right now, and there is nothing worse than baggy saggy denim. I’ve been wearing my favorite levi’s cuffed at the bottom and drawn tight with a belt. I figure if Katie Holmes can do it then so can i. I refuse to invest in a new wardrobe, I cannot justify doing it. I like the wardrobe I have I simply need it to fit me.

When I do eat I try to make it full of calories. For example, my grande latte is with whole milk and my muffin is not the low-cal version. I use butter on my roll and I use nothing low-fat ever. None-the-less the weight doesn’t seem to be turning around. Today I put on a denim skirt, size 8, and I slide right off my hips. I’d have though my hip bones protruding would have held it up but no such luck.

Before anyone tells me to stop my pity party as there are worse problems in the world than losing weight, this is a real issue for me. I have no desire to be a middle aged twiggy. I want to be a grammy with some junk in her trunk. A swoosh when I walk. Hips that jiggle just a little to the left and a little to the right.

It’s time to think about dinner. It’s a perfect day here in the PNW and time to break out the grill. I think I’ll have mr. roll grill the salmon and I will make a huge salad to go with it, and rustic crunchy crust bread. Too bad we’re not big dessert eaters because blueberry shortcake sounds really good.

Blessings,
mrs. roll

monday musings

2009-04-06T20:46:00.001-07:00

is it really time to create a new blog. welcome a new blogging community. can i find a new blogging community? is it too late to recreate myself here in goggle? lots of things to ponder.

i've been thinking of his for quite a while though and suddenly today it just seemed the right thing to do. start over. begin fresh. begin a new me in a new place. there really is no mystery involved, it was simply going stale "over there" and i needed the change.

so here i am and ready to join some groups and get started creating a new community to feel a part of. i am hoping that friends i've made "over there" will read me here. hope is eternal in that regard.

i have a lot to share and am eager to get started.

blessings,

mrs. roll