another day another dollar . . .

it's a bit personal, but i feel i need to write about this on here. maybe someone else is suffering from the same .

i am 5'7. i weigh 135lbs. i would like to weigh 119lbs, however this has been a long time fictional dream and never one i have achieved. i eat what i want when i want and i don't diet. i come from good hearty peasant stock and i am happy. but, in the back of my mind i am always wanting to weigh 119lbs.

why?

because about 25 years ago i read in a magazine that christie brinkley weighed 119lbs. i think it was about the time she was marrying billy joel, so it was a long time ago. anyway, that weight has stuck in my mind and i have never let it go. i have never been close to that weight. i have weighed this 135lbs since forever and ever and ever amen. it doesn't change. i weigh the same and i am a size 4-8 off the rack depending on the brand. i am happy. really i am.

i just want to step on the scale and see the number 119 flash before me. i don't want to read 135. i want to read 119.

how does one get there?

i don't diet. i don't watch what i eat. i don't count carbs or calories. i eat. i eat what i want. i eat what i want when i want. i eat however much i want until i am full and then i stop.

i don't even know how to begin a diet. how pitiful is that? so, here i am beginning a diet. a diet to try and get to 119lbs. how long will this take? i have no idea. it may take a few weeks? maybe a few months? longer?

i'll keep you posted.

monday . . .

i am now officially a re-entry student. that is the polite term for people over 25 who decide to return to school. it's better than referring to myself as a middle-aged mom deciding to make a career change over 50. i'm not the oldest in the program, but then i didn't expect to be. the average grad student is 42. i think when i was in grad school, the first time around, the average age was 32. i was a young grad student back then. now i am old(er).

school started last thursday and i love it! i love being in school. i love learning. there isn't anything i don't love about it. did i tell you that i love school?

the only thin i don't like is the commute. while i don't live far from seattle, last thursday i left at 3:30pm. bad time to leave. I need to leave here about 2:00, and then go sit in starbucks or the library and do some reading and homework. i'd rather sit studying than sit in traffic.

i spent about 6 hours this weekend doing homework, but i am done with what i needed to be ready for class tuesday. i have two classes. one is an intro to paralegal studies and basically learning the two court systems we have--thoroughly and in depth. the second is legal research and writing. total of 9 hours per week of school and then about 2 hours of study per hour of class. i don't know how i would do it if i were working too. it will work for me though.

re-entry student. i think my blog may have just discovered what it's theme could be. maybe.

tuesday thoughts

a death in the family is hard. emotionally draining. i'm trying to be there for both the boys when they need to talk. dylan calls and seems to just want to know i'm on the other end of the phone.. i am.

i was going over to seattle to spend some time with zak today, but he called letting me know he really wanted to keep his appointment with his therapist and the he had a lot to do getting ready to leave tomorrow. i'm glad he and dylan will be together with the rest of the family. their dad's family has the required dysfunctional member that likes to stir the pot and triangulate when she breezes into town. i told the boys to protect their dad from her this weekend.

as i am not heading into seattle i need to think about dinner. of course it's already 7:40pm, and i haven't moved into thinking mode as of yet. pizza? frankie's pizza it is. most of the time i live as a vegetarian. not for any reason other than i am a recovered eating disorder girl, and most of the time the texture of meat doesn't sit right with me. but once in a while i do crave a really good hamburger--a really good one. there is a restaurant here in town that i happen to love one particular burger in, but for take out, which tonight is, mr. roll won't go for spending $28 on a take out hamburger. i can appreciate this. my favorite fast food burger would be burger king, but the one we had in town closed up overnight and left. we all miss it. i like the whopper even if i can only eat 1/4 of it! and i have tried the junior whopper, but it is not the same. as much as i would like my fav burger tonight, i think it is pizza. even writing this paragraph didn't convince me i need i burger.

i think i have finally separated myself from jennifer mckinney's blog. finally. it took me weeks to stop reading that trash. i could rake her over the coals here, but i won't. this is my blog after all and i can write what i want, but i'm really not a mean spirited person and that is one of the things jennifer was bringing out in me. she does that. the story telling. the not telling quite the truth or changing it slightly with each telling, as if she either can't remember what she said or she likes knowing that her readers know she changes the truth. whatever. jennifer lives in her own little world of misery. i don't want to enable it. goodbye jennifer mckinney.

sad news . . .

tonight the call came that one never expects and certainly doesn't to get. zak called me to tell me his granannie died. granannie is his dad's mom, and she was a very special grandma to my boys. dylan called me right afterwards and he was silent. silent in shock. i called their dad and had a long long talk with him. he too is in shock.

granannie and grandpa were both 81. they were on a canoe trip in Virginia, having recently returned from costa rica. they never sat still for long. they had a vineyard in paso robles so they could make wine. always busy. always on the go.

granannie died while they were taking a lunch break, and hiking up a hill. grandpa went ahead to get a picture of granannie with the water and canoe in the background. when he turned around she was on the ground. apparently she had a heart attack and died instantly. doing what she loved to do.

both the boys feel good that they saw their grandparents this summer and had a very good visit with them.

it's a loss to my boys and their family.

Sunday Sonshine

i had a good day today. a day free from the trappings of meniere's disease (MM). i woke up and spent some time lounging around reading "the kennedy women". school begins on thursday so i am on a timeline to get these 800+ pages finished.

mr. roll and i took the dogs out for a long walk. well, at long walk as for as our little town in concerned. we walked down to starbucks and then sat out in the warm sun for about 2 hours talking. talking about the future and what not. i am feeling the need to have some of my family around to help us with mom. i think my saying those words aloud caused mr. roll to lose his breath and catch it. he has never in 11 years of knowing me heard me utter those words in regard to my family.

i have never lived by my family. i left in 1975 for u.c. berkeley and stayed after two graduations. i have never lived by my family, nor have i ever had any desire to. my parents visited us every three months and we visited them on holidays and summers. i called my mom practically every day. the perfect long distance relationship with my parents. my sisters i actually ignored. i was the only one of us to go to college, and then graduate school. i followed the tradition of my mom who had done the same. my five siblings married young and had children. many small children. one of them doesn't even have her GED. i wish she would get it. i was a snob, married to a ph.d and berkeley was our life. i had no time for my sisters. when i saw them on holidays i was remote and distant, speaking when spoken to, never initiating conversations.

that has changed now, thank god. laura and shannon are my safety net. i'm 51, laura is 50, and shannon is 49. come november, laura will be 51, and december shannon will be 50. you can see how close we all are in age. too close.

friday while i was on the phone with laura, i casually mentioned to her that i wish she and her husband, dennis, would move out here. they are in missouri, and they have one daughter living there and three grandkids. they have a son in seattle, and another son in texas. i need laura to move out here to seattle. jake, their son, was visiting them for two weeks and he was talking to them about moving to seattle. i feel like have jake in my corner to talk them into it. there is no work in missouri. laura is a waitress where, in missouri, the average tip is $.50. dennis is a house painter, but no one is spending money now on things like that.

laura was encouraged to think about it. there is nothing for them in missouri. the grandkids can visit on holidays and summer vacations. li suggested we (phil and i) get a larger house we can all live in together. laura will take care of mom while i am in school, and we will pay her for this, just as we pay a caregiver now. laura like this plan.

for a woman who has never wanted to live around family, this seems like it can work. i need someone in my family pick up the ball and help me, and laura doesn't see it as picking up the ball, but as a blessing.

finally friday, i think . . .

this is my sister laura and me, taken last november 1st, in las vegas. i am the taller one with the pink scarf around my neck. it was the evening of mom's 90th birthday party. we are 9 months apart in age, and some would refer to us as irish twins. we've always been close, but in the past we've also had some differences. this all began about the time i was graduating from high school and planning on college, and she has one year left. i went on to college and laura went on to drugs. we lost our connection to each other for a while.

i am #3 of 6 girls, and laura is #4. we are both the middle child, however i my personality is more of the first born, while hers is more of the real middle child. we've never been into all the stuff, and the family calls us the middle girls. 6 daughters--poor dad :)

laura has cleaned up beautifully. oh, it didn't happen overnight. in fact she's been in an out of rehab more times than i probably know about, but she has been clean for 3 years now. the longest she has ever gone. she hit rock bottom, and it was fix herself or die alone. she fixed herself. it is such a joy to see her now. we're close again. we talk. we share. we even complain about the problem sister on occasion.

today began on a stressful note with mom having a panic attack. i calmed her down and gave her the meds she is take when having one and put her to bed to sleep it off. mr. roll was working at home today so i left him in charge and i took off for some alone time at starbucks. i was sitting there with my book in one of the comfy chairs, but i couldn't get comfortable and i couldn't stay with my book from one paragraph to the next. i gathered all my things and went outside into the sunshine, sat down and called laura. she spent 2 hours with me on the phone. she let me vent, and cry, and talk, and then we laughed and talked about happy things. fun things.

today i realized how lucky i am to have her back in my life. sisters.

thursday it is . . .

thursday does mean that it is almost friday, right? the weekend is almost here.

it's been a busy week in that i usually have very little to do, but this week has been full. between mom being in the hospital and having tickets to all sorts of events i've just not been home a lot in the evenings.

tuesday night was pearl jam. always good. always. always. did i tell you pearl jam is always good? excellent.

wednesday night was the pnw ballet, romeo and juliete. a friend of my son's is a principal dancer with the ballet and she offered us an invitation to the dress rehearsal. we could pick our own seats so we sat in the 6th row, center. beautiful. it wasn't a traditional performance, but rather creative and i did have some issue with that, but the dancing was beautiful. i love the ballet, and every time zak goes i bug him about taking me, and last night he did.

speaking of zak, guess what he is doing today? he's on blake island with forbes top 100 ceo's, hosted by bill gates and paul allen, and the other special guest is the president of japan. bizarre. the company zak works for opens the event center on the island and they are holding the summit meeting there, and they hand selected 10 waiters to go over with them. zak is not a waiter, he is a boson and he manges two boats for the company, but they picked him and he's going. the amazing thing is that each of the servers has their gratuity added on the charge and they each walk away with $1850, and, in the past when bill gates has used the boats for meetings he always gives out envelopes of holding a cash "tip" into the gratuity built into the company charge for the event. sweet.

zak is leaving for barcelona on tuesday, so this little but of cash news came in handy.

they love to travel by boys do. they are planning to go to cuba in november over thanksgiving. i'm not thrilled they are missing thanksgiving with me, but they will be having a grand time together in cuba.