Thursday, April 30, 2009

thursday thankfulls

a visit to the dr. didn't turn out as i thought . . .

mr. roll met me at the dr. kane's office this afternoon where i was being seen to begin testing. testing for the residual affects of septic shock and hopefully make a diagnosis as to what i have going on inside my body.

21 vials of blood were taken from me. i feel my life is resting in those 21 vials of blood going off to labs around the country. i didn't particulary want to hear more from the doctor, but being married to an engineer means that we weren't leaving without information on what was on the list of things to look for in the blood work.


kidney disease.


not what i wanted to hear. but, it is the worst and it can get better if these are false. false. false. false. this is my prayer.


mrs. roll

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

wednesday wantings

today was a day of trying to work on the house
a day of taking a lot of rests . . .
a naday for an afternoon nap.

i am having such a hard time accepting this septic shock. even though i am over the sepsis, i am still having ongoing problems with my health. i go to the doctor tomorrow to begin tests to see what i may get back and what i won't get back. some of my small motor skills are gone. gone. gone. i don't know how to feel about it, but right now i am aggrevated.

i had hoped to get busy on the office today, but i couldn't. i could hardly walk and when sitting up i couldn't hold my head up. i had no muscle power today at al. so i finally just went to bed and turned on marley and me.

tomorrow is another day and i don't need to be to the doctor until 2:00, so i hope to get some housework done in the morning.


mrs. roll

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

tuesday thoughts

today was a magical day of nothingness . . .

i woke up early and for some reason i got up and stayed up. this is always a ood sign for me and one that causes me to pause and think that septic shock was just a nightmare and didn't really happen to me. alas it did happen, but today there was no evidence of it.

i cleaned the master bathroom and then took off for starbucks to do some writing. i had a lot more planned to do at home, but mr. roll decided to work at home which meant i could not work to clean the home office. i happily fled to a day alone in my own space and time world. it's all good.

i spent time on facebook. i worked on my letter of intent for paralegal programs in the seattle area--there are only 3. i went to seattle tan where i was introduced to a new bronzing tanning lotion, a new face cream, and a new after tan lotion. wow. i felt touched when baily, the worker at the tanning salon. told me she had the newest lotion on hold for me because she knew i would love it! i did and i bought it. wow is all i can say about it, since i already look darker. i am happy i finally bought a face cream for tanning as i know the regular lotion is too much for the face and does nothing to protect it from getting too tan, which my face is. i haven't been too tan since i was in high school sitting out on the beach covered in crisco to burn to a deep tan. that is exactly what we did back then. amazing i don't have skin cancer by now.

i am leaving for las vegas in 2 weeks and i am so ready to go. i want the warm weather and the pool to sit by. when i spoke with shannon today she mentioned that we needn't use her pool because the casino pools were now open to the public . . . i say we hit the palms or mandaly bay. whichever.

my poor dog bear has an ear infection. i must create the picture for you of bear and harley. bear is a 100lbs dog. he's a big gentle giant part retriever and part newfundland. he is the kindest dog i have ever known and he lives to make his mom (me) and dad (mr. roll) happy and content. harley is the little 20lbs guy. harley is a brussels griffon terrier, who should weight 12lbs. so to say that he is over weight is to say the least. harley loves bear so much and to watch them together is to see too soul mates. the problem is that harley licks bears ears which always leads to an infection in bears ears. all day today bear hasn't felt good. i could see this as early as this morning when he was laying on the bedroom floor with his head resting on his pink bunny. the pink bunny is his oldest and favorite toy, in fact we try to keep the other two dogs from ever touching brear's pink bunny as we know it will upset him. he dragged the pink bunny all over today as he wen toutside then into the family room to lay down and now into the family room on the couch with daddy and his head resting on his pink bunny. mr. roll will take him to see dr. heather tomorrow and get the ear drops for him. harley needs to stay away from bear's ears.

i'm going to a cabi party on friday evening and i hope to buy some new things to take to las vegas and the warm weather.


mrs. roll

Monday, April 27, 2009

monday musings

did i really sit and read 400 ages of my book this morning?

as usualy mr. roll's alarm went off at 6:30am and he got up to shower and get ready for work. i reached over to grab my book and read for a short while before getting up myself. now i didn't have a lot planned to do today but some chores to get the house in orde before the in-laws arrive on may 7th. but, i certainly did not intend to lay and read 400 pages of my book and thus stay in bed until 11:00. wow. this is a good life :)

the house needs some jobs completed before peter and nancy arrive in 2 weeks. nothing big, but i prefer to do a little each day and get a handle on getting it under control. so today i striped out the food pantry and reorganized it. what a difference. one can actually open it and see what it there without everything spilling out everywhere. the next thing i did was rip the padding off the stairs. we had removed the carpet last november when we planned to have new floors put in over the christmas holiday why mr. roll was off work. that didn't happen as septic shock took over my life and new wood floors was no longer a priority. maybe next christmas.

tuesday plan:
  1. the office trash
  2. rearranging the office furniture
  3. removing the upstairs hallway padding

wednesday plan:

  1. bedroom makeover
  2. master bathroom makeover

friday plan:

  1. kitchen counters
  2. clean refridgerator

saturday plan:

  1. yard work with mr. roll
  2. dump run x 2

the only really big plan for next week is basic cleaning of the downstairs and i want to steam clean the carpet in the living room and family room. it's all good.


mrs. roll

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sunday Sonshine

it's good to feel so exhausted.

this morning mr. roll and i woke early to get to church by 9:00am where we were meeting up with other church members to go out into our community and do various work related projects. there was a group going to the library to clean the windows and work in the garden beds, another group working in the church social hall breaking 900lbs of rice into 3 cup bags to be taken to the local food bank, another group walking through the neighborhoods collecting canned and boxed food for the same food bank, another group preparing boxes for the teen mom program at the high school, another group writing cards to soldiers serving in iraq, another group going out to the homes of seniors to mow and weed yards, change fire alam batteries and other odds and end jobs needing done. mr. roll and i went with a group going to prepare a bbq at a homeless camp out on the green river gorge.

we enjoyed the fellowship with fellow church members some of which we knew well and others we met today and immediately became friends with. the greatest joy was meeting the men, women and children who came by to enjoy table fellowship with us. a lot of laughing, talking and having fun. this is how i see spending a sunday. doing god's work. amen.


mrs. roll

Thursday, April 23, 2009

thursday thankfulls

BIBLE STUDY. it's so important to me and i am so thankful for it that i had to break out of my signature lower case only type. it is the 'it' for me. if gives me strength and reminds me of my purpose in life, that i owe all to the glory of god.

tonight we were studying romans 8. we are more than conquerors. that we are.


mrs. roll

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

tuesday thoughts

another day of sunshine. i took mom out this afternoon and we went to starbucks where we say outside in the warm sun and enjoyed our cool drinks and chatting with others doing the same. we get so few days like this here in the damp pacific northwest that we call come out of our caves when the sun appears. tomorrow the rain is reappearing.

as i sat sipping my cool drink i began to think about dinner tonight. while i do meal plan for the week sometimes what i planned doesn't seem "right" because the weather changed. tonight was not a baked chicken and pasta night as i don't want to heat up the kitchen and lets be honest we can eat baked chicken any time. no chicken tonight, tonight is a grilled salmon night. grilled on a plank and served with a warm buttery lemon sauce, a big salad with lots of beautiful organic leaves, and of course avocado in there too 9and whatever else i find in the veggie drawer of the fridge. good meal it will be.

i talked with shannon today about las vegas, i am so excited to gather with the girls in my family and hang out together. we've ad our moments of discontent and this time just seems different. this time it seems like all of us want to be there and be together. it's all good.

it is time to start dinner.


mrs. roll

Monday, April 20, 2009

monday musings

the sun is warm and i am enjoying sitting out on the deck, with my mom, and watching the dogs rumble on the lawn as the every once in a while stop to shout out the other neighborhood dogs, as if to let them know they are here. life is good today.

this morning i got up, showered and headed out to starbucks with my laptop. i thought i'd take some time to sit out on their patio and check email and blog, maybe even chat on facebook. sitting there the weather although sunny grew a bit windy and i got too cold so i came home to my deck to do the same. i could or should be in the house cleaning and doing laundry, but mr. roll is home sick with a cold so i prefer to keep the house quiet for him. any excuse to not do housework works wonders for me.

my zak called this morning to tell me we were invited to a friend's home for mother's day. zak is still very close to his college friends. the ones he met when he first went off to college. none of them knew each other beforehand and 4 of the 5 boys were from out of state, including my zak. zak graduated from high school in california and then moved to washington with me that same summer to begin college at wsu. his friends are amazing and the boys love to organize parties for all the parents to come to. they think of it as a reunion of sorts. i am excited to go and already trying to plan what to bring for the bbq.

i had so many plans for what i wanted to do with this new blog. i read so many blogs and a few them are fabulously good. great writing and content. i want that too. but you know what? my blog is simply about the random things that jump into my mind once my finger tips hit the keyboard. nothing more and nothing less. i need to embrace this and celebrate my own blog and what it means to me. it is for me after all.

maybe tonight we'll bbq chicken and add to dinner the leftover potato salad from last night, and cut up the watermelon. and i have artichokes in the fridge too. good dinner tonight.


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sunday Sonshine

i took the week off from blogging, but i couldn't offer you up a great reason other than i have had a wretched earache. after a trip the doctor and antibiotics i am feeling better, but still not up to par and i blame this on the residual affects of septic shock.

since "going septic" (as my doctor refers to me as) my balance has been off quite a bit. i still have trouble walking and stairs are almost impossible. i walk up our stairs slower than my 90 year old mother, and i can't count how many times i have fallen at the middle landing. my balance will return i hope, but in the meantime i grow somewhat used to it all. the ear ache seems to have thrown it off even worse and this has been most annoying.

enough complaints.

today was a beautiful sunny warm day in the pacific northwest. we haven't had spring like this yet and it's been a day to behold. i spent the afternoon sitting outside on the patio reading the sunday newspaper and eating pistachios and sushi that i went and bought--it was a craving. i didn't know at 51 years old i could have such a craving as this one for sushi. i bought some and brought it home and enjoyed a few pieces, then began sharing it with the dogs. yes, i fed sushi to my dogs. i discovered that harley and bear love sushi. lucy ate one piece, then i saw that she actually separated the fish from the rice in the california roll--smart hound dog that she is. the biggest surprise was danny, our grand-dog, who wanted nothing to do with the sushi. the first piece i offered him he took and then spit it out and wanted nothing to do with anymore. bear gobbled up danny's castoff (lol). it was such a gorgeous day and i really loved being able to sit outside and take in the sun.

tomorrow my mom's new care taker is coming over. she stopped by today as she was out walking her dog with her mom and saw that we were home. i love that she feels comfortable enough with us to do this, and mom enjoyed seeing her and spent quite some time talking out front with her. mom hasn't been too excited about my adding a second caretaker to the schedule every week and she's been very concerned that kurt, who original caretaker will feel bad knowing she now has caitlin too. i assured her that kurt know and is fine, he can only work so many hours a week as it is as he has two other people he provides home care for. caitlin is wonderful and mom simply needs to get to know her better. mom was suspicious with kurt when he first began 2 years ago and now she absolutely loves him like a member of our family, which is has become in our hearts. caitlin stopping by was a good move for getting closer to mom and i think it helped a lot. we were also able to adjust her times when she will come and this change works better for all of us. it's all good.

in one month all the girls in my family (mom, jeni, laura, shannon, kathy and myself) will be gathering at shan's house in las vegas for "girls week". we're staying for an entire week and just having fun bonding by the pool tanning. we'll be going the third week in may and i, for one, and counting the days. shannon and i are planning the week and we want family fun! you can imagine with so many girls in the family, and a mom with a strong personality, a family get together can be either good or bad, and they have been both many many times. this will be the very first time we've ever done 'just the girls' together without out kids and husbands. i'm hoping it will be just like growing up together and we'll be best friends all week. maybe? i am the eternal optimist.

sitting here on the sofa in the family room with mr. roll, and the sleeping dogs who had way too much fun running outside in the yard all day enjoying the warm weather.


mrs. roll

Friday, April 10, 2009

friday fanfare

while today didn't go exactly as i dreamed of it going, this evening i found a link to the cutest swim suit ste ever! lime ricki swimwear
i've ordered 3 siuts from them already and i cannot wait until they arrive. i cannot wait for my sisters to see this and love it just as much as i am :) if they are as perfect in person as they are from the website i know i will be buying more asap. enjoy.

today is the day i told myself i would once again spend running errands for and with my mom. my 90 year old mom with dementia. taking her out with me is a struggle that i find myself less and less wanting to do. she is difficult in public and she complains about everything no matter what someone is trying to do for her.

maybe being with her scares me. maybe i am afraid of doing this to my children. of becoming a problem for them. of becoming someone they do not want around. i don't want me my mom.

when i was young i worshipped my mother. she was a teacher. she was a fashionista. she had shoes and a matching handbag for every outfit in her three closets. she was a godly woman, athough she never talked about her faith or god to anyone, including me. god was just there and that seemed to be good enough for her. she was a wonderful grandmother to my boys and they adored her. for them being around her now is better than it is for me. they are patient and i am not.

i struggle with keeping mom home with us. her caretakers are angels that come in to care for her daily. fridays are my day and it's the day i dread the most. everytime i thinki can't take another day of this i stop short when i realize the alternative is a nursing home. i don't want that.

what i need right now is for mom to go to bed and leave me to have some alone time. time to regain my composure over a glass of merlot. calm my anxious heart. merlot is just the ticket.


mrs. roll

Thursday, April 9, 2009

thursday thankfulls

thursday are always a good day for me. i think it's because tomorrow is friday and then the weekend is here and mr. roll is home for two whole days with me. i love to be with mr. roll.

speaking of mr. roll tomorrow he has a ct scan to see where the nasty cancer is now. his last ct scan showed he had a spot around his heart area, and the bigproblem is that they can't get to it to biopsy or do radiation on it due to organs being in the way from every direction. not good. but as always mr. roll keeps his spirits up and knows that god is in control of everything and this offers him a sense of peace and understanding.

i worry. a lot. an awful lot.

i will be with him tomorrow. he never goes to any appointment alone. something i have noticed is that women come to oncology appointments and chemotherapy an radiation in mass groups of support systems. sisters, moms, friends they all come together to support the cancer patient. men, however come alone. i am one of the few females that i see accompaning a male patient, i would never let mr. roll go through this alone. never. i've made good friends with the chemo nurses and his team of doctors treating him. it's a blessing to be able to go with him.

after the ct scan i'll come home to get mom and take her to macy's to try and find us something new to wear on easter. we'll be joining my son for brunch aboard his boat for the day. we'll be at church saturday night for the conteporary service. when i was growng up mom always dressed us all alike on holidays, and she still likes to do this even though she is now 90 and i am 51. imagine. i pick the outfits and she is happy, and that makes me happy.


mrs. roll

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

wednesday wantings

today has been a lazy day. lazy may be my new code word for depressed. i stayed upstairs all day reading and/or watching the food network.

i used to adore paula on the food network. my southern roots loved her and i certaily related to all her fried food and love of mayo and real buter, but lately she is getting on my nerves. i don't eat the food of my youth and i grew tired of seeing paula deen prepare it and eat it. i would often comment to myself that the woman is killing herself.

of course my mom and her siblings are all still healthy and they've eaten this food their entire lives. being both french and southern guarantees that whatever is prepared will be covered in a cream based gravey. the joys of cream based gravey. i shouldn't be so hard on paula deen.

i've spent a little time today determined to figure out what is wrong with me physically. determined to have information to take to my doctor. out of the blue i came upon "celiac disease". it was a bit scary that this would be so close to the symtoms i am having. my seaching for something comes along after i went 'septic' in december.

septic shock knocked me fora loop and my health has not been the same since. functioning is a dat to day event for me. i am hesitant to make plans for fear i won't be up for it once the day arrives. we've made plans for easter sunday with my son zak and i am adament that i will follow through and be able to participate. we've also been invited to a party on saturday night and we must attend this. praying it all goes well within my body to fulfill these events.

it's all good.


mrs. roll

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

tuesday thoughts

Latte, blueberry lemon muffin, laptop, warn sunshine. What more could I ask for? World peace maybe, that’s a bit out of my range of accomplishing, so I’ll stick to “no, there is nothing more I could ask for today.” My triple grande latte is perfection and then some. While others may cringe at starbucks, I am a loyal seattle fan and while peet’s is my all-time fav, starbucks does me daily and I am happy.

I am on a mission to add a little junk to my trunk. Today before stepping in the shower I forced myself across the bathroom to face, head-on, the dreaded scale. I will assume, and I know I am about to make huge generalized statement here, but I still choose to assume that most women dread seeing the number on the scale out of fear and denial that it could possibly read higher than they know they weigh. Yes, most people prefer to live in denial and believe they still weigh what memory tells them they weighed in high school, which may or may not be a true account of high school weight. Regardless, I avoid the scale for the opposite reason in that I do not want to see the latest low number. I really do need to add some junk to my trunk. Poor mr. roll has even offered to give me some of his junk to fatten me up a little.

Weightloss has not always been my problem, in fact for a 5’7, 51 year old woman I’ve maintained a 140lb’s for the fast 5 years. I was a size 8 right off the rack and I was pleased with this. My closest if full of amazing outfits all in size 8. The problem is that I am now a size 4. This does not make me happy. Even my feet have shrunk and what used to be a perfect size 8, is now more a size 7. Again, I need some junk in my nonexistent trunk. My backside has all but disappeared.
So what is going on? Last December I was diagnosed with septic shock. The beginning of December I thought I had a bladder infection and I kept putting off the trip to the doctor due to work demands and a lack of time. one night it became so painful mr. roll had to take me to the emergency room where after tests and a ct scan they told me I had kidney stones and to see the urologist the next day to take care of it. I did. It was a Friday and he doctor saw me first thing that morning, the receptionist telling me to come in on an empty stomach in case he decided to laser the stones that day. He decided to do just that. Mr. roll was with me through it all and he took me home that night to rest.

On Monday mr. roll went to work and when he came home he found me unconscious in bed. 911 was called and rushed me to the local hospital. After more tests and another ct and mri, it was determined I had “gone septic”. I never regained consciousness while at the emergency room. They sedated me further in order to put me on a respirator and then airlifted me to Swedish in seattle. At Swedish I was in icu, in a coma, and I woke up the day after Christmas knowing nothing.

It is understandable that I would lose some weight after being in the hospital for such a time as this, but once home and really beginning to heal physically and mentally I thought I would regain some of the lost poundage. That has not been the case and I continue to lose on average of 2lbs/week. Not ok I tell you.

This morning I was 124lbs. my denim is all hanging one me. I have a closet full of “sevens”, “Hudson”, “joe’s”, “William rust”. “paige”. Mind you not a single pair fit me right now, and there is nothing worse than baggy saggy denim. I’ve been wearing my favorite levi’s cuffed at the bottom and drawn tight with a belt. I figure if Katie Holmes can do it then so can i. I refuse to invest in a new wardrobe, I cannot justify doing it. I like the wardrobe I have I simply need it to fit me.

When I do eat I try to make it full of calories. For example, my grande latte is with whole milk and my muffin is not the low-cal version. I use butter on my roll and I use nothing low-fat ever. None-the-less the weight doesn’t seem to be turning around. Today I put on a denim skirt, size 8, and I slide right off my hips. I’d have though my hip bones protruding would have held it up but no such luck.

Before anyone tells me to stop my pity party as there are worse problems in the world than losing weight, this is a real issue for me. I have no desire to be a middle aged twiggy. I want to be a grammy with some junk in her trunk. A swoosh when I walk. Hips that jiggle just a little to the left and a little to the right.

It’s time to think about dinner. It’s a perfect day here in the PNW and time to break out the grill. I think I’ll have mr. roll grill the salmon and I will make a huge salad to go with it, and rustic crunchy crust bread. Too bad we’re not big dessert eaters because blueberry shortcake sounds really good.

mrs. roll

Monday, April 6, 2009

monday musings

is it really time to create a new blog. welcome a new blogging community. can i find a new blogging community? is it too late to recreate myself here in goggle? lots of things to ponder.

i've been thinking of his for quite a while though and suddenly today it just seemed the right thing to do. start over. begin fresh. begin a new me in a new place. there really is no mystery involved, it was simply going stale "over there" and i needed the change.

so here i am and ready to join some groups and get started creating a new community to feel a part of. i am hoping that friends i've made "over there" will read me here. hope is eternal in that regard.

i have a lot to share and am eager to get started.


mrs. roll