friday at last

my oldest son, dylan, trekking through patagonia in argentina.

i'm not so sure why i am thrilled it is finally friday, but i am. it's not like i work out of the home all week and look forward to the weekend off. maybe it is because mr. roll and i have been talking about taking the dogs to the dog park on saturday and i am looking forward to doing that together.

speaking of mr. roll, he took me to my doctor appointment this morning. bad news is i have 2 kidney stones in my right kidney. this is my weak kidney. last time i had kidney stones i developed septic shock. shock is what hit me when i heard the results of my ct scan. you know it's going to be bad news when you get the call and they want to see you in person. however, this time it has been caught early, and mr. roll knows what to be on the lookout for--any sign of lethargic behavior and i am off to swedish (hospital in seattle). on monday i see my doctor again to either laser them or hopefully discover they have passed. i have meds to deal with it all and a diet to help bust them up. but i am frightened of going septic. scary stuff going septic.

it's hot. i bought an ice cream maker today. i have one of the ones that takes boxes of salt and lots and lots and lots and lots of ice. i wanted one of the ones you keep in the kitchen and it makes creamy rich delicious ice cream a la the Cuisinart ICE-50BC Supreme Ice Cream Maker

i ordered one from amazon.com and it will arrive monday. too late for the weekend, but there is always next weekend, and certainly we can have yummy ice cream all week long. this alone should add some much needed junk to my trunk. so i ordered one of them and then decided to go back and order a second one for my son as his birthday is on wednesday and i know he will love it.

we are trying to decide on our vacation plans for this year. we always go away in october, but this year i will be in the paralegal program at the university of washington in october so we need to go in september. we're torn between doing a disney cruise through easten caribbean, and doing disney world in orlando. one day it's one and the next day the other. everything is so cheap right now i wish we could just do both! not.

in preparation for vacation someplace warm (i've done alaska the last two years with mr. roll and made him promise we'd do warm and beaches this year) i went online to look at some clothes. at macys.com everything i liked was not available in my size. they had plenty of size 10, size 12, even size 2. where were all the 4 & 6's? i just wanted a few pairs of shorts and tops. i ended up calling my sister in las vegas and asking her to go to our favorite store in las vegas and find me some things to take. she loved it. she knows me better than anyone and knows what i like and what will look good on my straight boy body (no hips, no thighs, no butt). i also need to get a couple of new swim suits but i have to try them on before i buy them so while i am in nyc, visiting my son dylan, and my niece katie is with me, she and i will go shopping for swim suits together. i love shopping with her.

it's not a night for cooking so we're eating out.

Grilled Shark

it's hot. i got in the car today and the temperature read 107. western washington is not used to this kind of heat. we don't have ac, we don't own fans. we we're lucky in that when i moved here 8 years ago i brought all my fans with us. all 8 are not scattered throughout the house working hard to keep the air moving. i wouldn't be miserable if i had my pool. we bought this house because it has such a large yard which mr. roll pointed out would be good for my pool someday. i'm ready for someday.

i mailed off my application/resume/intro letr/transcripts to University of Washington today for the paralegal program. i hope i get in. it is in god's hands now.

it's a good day to bbq. tonight is grilled shark. if you're afraid of shark don't be. it's very good. very meaty. good texture. good flavor. i've been using this marinade for years now, and that speaks for itself.

GRILLED SHARK

1/4-1/2 cup soy sauce (1/2 cup could be very salty for some)
6 shark steaks or swordfish steaks
1/4 cup catsup
1/2 cup orange juice
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 cup fresh parsley, Chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/3 tablespoon pepper, Ground

Directions
1Combine soy sauce, orange juice, catsup, chopped parsley, lemon juice, pepper, and minced garlic.
2Add fish; cover and marinate in refrigerator for 2 hours.
3Remove fish from marinade, reserving marinade.
4Grill fish over hot coals 6 minutes on each side or until fish flakes easily when tested with a fork, basting frequently with marinade.

Grilled Fish Tostada Salad

it's still hot here in western washington. dinner tonight is grilled fish tostadas. perfect for a hot evening. we'll be eating out on the patio area tonight.

Grilled Fish Tostadas

INGREDIENTS:

4 each 6oz Fresh Fish Fillets

1 tsp. Creole seasoning blend½ tsp. Kosher salt

8 small flour tortillas

12 ounces finely shredded cheese (Mexican blend)

6 cups spring mix of lettuce, washed, dried and torn

½ cup Citrus Vinaigrette (see recipe below)

½ cup cooked corn kernels

4 oz. sliced roasted poblano peppers

8 ounces Tomato Salsa

¼ cup Chimichurri Sauce (see recipe below)1 ripe avocado, quartered and cut into fan

PREPARATION:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Season fish on both sides with Creole seasoning and kosher salt.

Grill on each side until done, or until fish reaches 145ºF.

Remove from grill.
While fish is grilling, lay tortillas on baking sheet. With a fork, poke holes in tortillas, ½ inch apart over the whole tortilla. Lightly brush with olive oil and bake in preheated oven until lightly browned, about 5 minutes.

Evenly sprinkle cheese onto tortillas and continue baking until cheese is completely melted.
Place 2 tortillas on each of four plates.

Toss spring mix with citrus vinaigrette, corn kernels, and peppers and mound one-fourth of mixture on top of each plate of tortillas.

Sprinkle tomato salsa over salad mix.
When done, slice fish and place on top of salad, drizzle with chimichurri sauce.

Top with avocado fan.

Citrus Vinaigrette
INGREDIENTS:

2 Tbsp. olive oil

2/3-cup rice wine vinegar

1/3 cup orange juice

1 Tbsp. Dijon mustard

1 tsp. honey

2 tsp. minced garlic

1 Tbsp. minced shallots

½ tsp. Creole seasoning

2 Tbsp. chopped fresh cilantro
Mix all ingredients together. Refrigerate.

Chimichurri Sauce
INGREDIENTS:

¾ cup extra virgin olive oil

1/3 cup rice wine vinegar

½ cup fresh squeezed lemon juice

2 tsp. kosher salt

½ tsp. black pepper1 bunch (1 ½ ounces) flat-leaf parsley, stemmed and minced

½ bunch (½ ounce) cilantro, stemmed and minced

½ tsp. dried oreganoScallion tops, thinly sliced

4 tsp. minced garlic
PREPARATION:
Combine the olive oil, rice vinegar, lemon juice, salt and pepper in a medium bowl. Using a wire whisk, mix until evenly blended.
Add all remaining ingredients and, using a rubber spatula, gently mix until evenly blended. The mixture should be highly seasoned; add more salt or vinegar, if desired. Refrigerate for up to 3 days

Honey-Peach Ham Glaze and Sauce

it's a little too hot to be baking a ham for dinner. i randomly bought one on saturday and i needed to get it cooked or risk losing it altogether as i don't have room in the freezer for it. so tonight it is. it is on the oven with a delicious glaze over it. scallop potatoes will go in the oven in a few, then sliced tomatoes and dinner is done.

we eat late on monday night because mr. roll has a woodworking group he attends. he must go as he is making my living room furniture. this makes me very happy.

honey-peach ham glaze and sauce

1 cup peach preserves
2 tablespoons Creole mustard or spicy brown mustard
1 1/2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup honey

preparation:
Combine all ingredients in a small saucepan; bring to a simmer. Use about 1/3 of the mixture to spoon over a ham the last 20 minutes or roasting time and serve the rest as a sauce.Makes about 1 1/2 cups.

monday musings

i don't care how old children get we, as parents, never stop worrying.

i had a message, on facebook, from my son saying he was leaving for berkekey on friday. i assumed it was last friday and was worried that something had happened in berkeley and he had to get there quick. then i was worried about danny, his dog, and where he was. surely he didn't drive. sure he would have flown. he never takes danny with him. danny stays with us every time zak goes anywhere.

missed calls all the way around.

i called my other son to see what was going on. he's home in nyc and knows nothing. this was good as if there had been an emergency dylan would know.

today we connect. he doesn't leave for berkeley until next friday. reminded me his best friend from high school was getting married. danny will be coming to our house. he also asked if we could keep danny for the month of august, as it's their busiest time of the summer season and he's working 16 hour days. he knows he doesn't need to ask as danny is always welcome.

what a relief.

mr. roll will pick danny up tomorrow on his way home from work (since both are in seattle).

street fair, farmer's market and an evening of jam making

i am determined to get out of the house today and go some place besides the hospital. there is only so much of being on "bed rest" one can take. i am itching to get back into my kitchen and cook. i lay here in my bed dreaming of the possibilities. and while i don't have a lot of energy right now i think even preparing a pan of dutch baby pancakes along with apple chicken sausage for dinner would be a good beginning. of course it is going to be soaring into the 90's today so something on the grill is probably more reasonable. perhaps salmon along side a crab roast? may be better suited for tomorrow.

i spent yesterday at swedish hospital all day being infused with medication to fight off this infection and lots of fluids to rehydrate me. i do feel much better today.

dutch baby

1 c. butter

6 large eggs

1 1/4 c. half & half

1 1/4 c. flour

3 T sugar

1 tsp vanilla

Put the 4 T, butter incast iron pan, and set it into a 425 degree oven after first dusting the pan with nutmeg, then mix batter quickly while butter melts.

put eggs in blender container and whirl at high speed for 1 minute.

with motor running, gradually pour in milk, then slowly add flour; then rest of butter, melted continue whirling for 30 seconds.
(with a rotary beater, beat eggs until light and lemon colored; gradually beat in milk, then flour.)
remove pan from oven with the butter melted and pour batter into the hot melted butter.

return the pan to the oven and bake until puffy and well browned, 20 to 25 minutes.
serve at once with any fruit topping or syrups or powdered sugar is good, too.
a tip: Have everyone waiting at the table when the Dutch Baby comes out of the oven, while it is puffed up.

also I use cast iron skillet for the cooking.

mr. roll and i went to the street fair, downtown, today. it was delightful just to be out with mr. roll. we also stopped by the farmer's market and i bought 2 huge flats of raspberries and blueberries, both from a local farm. i'm going to begin making jam here in a few minutes. i'm also hoping to make a quart of blueberry syrup that we can enjoy with the dutch baby tonight.

edit: i canned 12 pints of raspberry jam, plus 2 quarts of raspberry jam. and then mom helped me can 12 quarts of blueberry jam, and make 2 quarts of blueberry syrup. i don't usually like to have a sous in the kitchen with me, but i certainly needed mom's help with the blueberries--that was a lot of blueberries to work with.

the dutch baby is in the oven almost done and the apple chicken sausage is staying warm on top of the stove and they smell delicious. i have loved these sausage for 20 years and was so happy to find they finally are selling them here in western washington at my local market (and these are not the smoked ones you can find everywhere, these are the fresh :)

2nd edit: a very good dinner was enjoyed by all.

Auberge French Lavender Chicken is what's for dinner tonight

with my being not feeling good with this kidney infection mr. roll has been taking care of dinner and running to the market to collect me lots of bananas and graham crackers to eat. i sound like a toddler don't i? literally all i want to eat is bananas and graham crackers. and btw, when my children were little i made my own graham crackers--i was so berkeley!


i felt a bit well enough to marinade some chicken, and then mr. roll can throw them on the grill tonight. i also asked him to pick up a salad from a local restaurant, and he'll grill some bread too. mr. roll can cook when given proper notice and instructions, if needed.


Auberge French Lavender Marinade for Beef, Lamb or Chicken

4 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons lavender honey
5 drops lavender, cooking essence (or lavender flowers, crushed)
one crushed garlic clover
juice of half a lemon
salt and pepper

Directions:
Mix all the marinade ingredients together and brush over beef, lamb or chicken. Allow the meat to marinate in the marinade for 2 hours minimum and then cook as required.
This marinade is great for the barbeque.
If making ahead, store in a covered bottle or jar and keep in the fridge until required.


chicken has been marinating since this morning. i can't wait to smell it outdoors grilling. we happen to live right by a lavender farm so i always have plenty of culinary lavender on hand for meals. if i were feeling better i would also make some brown rice with lavender. it's easy--add culinary lavender to the water and let it bowl, then add the brown rice and let it cook/steam. so good i cannot even describe it.

if you like the recipe and think you want to try it, but don't have lavender fields surrounding your area, please let me know as i would love to send you some culinary lavender. once you cook with it you will contacting me for more. i would love to send you some so don't hesitate to email me at marilroll@comcast.net and let me know here that you have done so.

blessings,

tuesday needs . . .

i am sick. sick. sick. kidney infection.

for most a kidney infection is not a big deal. not a big worry. take some aggressive antibiotics, drink a lot of water and feel better in a day.

not for me.

in december 2008, i had septic shock (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Septic_shock ) or as my dr.'s like to say, i went septic. i thought i had a bladder infection and was waiting to go to the doctor until i had a day off to go. well, i ended up in the emergency room on a thursday night and learned i had a kidney stone in my left kidney and nothing showed up in my right kidney. the next day, friday, i went into the hospital to have it lasered and then went home that evening. on sunday mr. roll was helping a neighbor with his christmas lights and he came back in the house to check on me and found me unconscious. 911.

they took me to the local hospital where they quickly discovered what was wrong--i had septic shock. they airlifted me to swedish hospital in seattle where i was admitted to icu. i have no memory at all of any of this, in fact, i don't even remember having the laser done on the kidney stone. i was in a coma, on a ventilator for 10 days waking up the day after christmas. i stayed in icu, after waking up, for a few more days and then moved into a regular room for a few more weeks while i learned to walk again and use my motor skills. i also heard from every doctor and nurse that came to see me how lucky i was to a) be alive, b) have all my limbs, c) have my vision.

while a kidney infection is not a kidney stone, anything kidney is serious for me. my right kidney no longer works well, and this is where the infection is sitting right now. the pain is unbearable with pain meds. i don't like pain mediation. i am scared to death of anything involving my kidneys. been there and done that. scares me. scares mr. roll.

i know i am in good hands with my nephrologist is the best in seattle. his bedside manner is great too. i feel better just knowing he is so on top of my care. this helps my mental sate , in handling this, a lot. there is a lot to be said for an outstanding doctor with an excellent bedside manner.

i need a lot of prayer right now. it's one of those times i wish i had more people read my blog, so i could get covered in a lot of prayer. i do not want to go septic. never want to do that again.

monday musings

i have spent the last four months contemplating entering a 5th year program at university of washington.

what's a 5th year program? after graduating with a bachelors degree, one can go on for certification in specialized field such a earning a teaching credential. the program i am interested in is the paralegal program. at university of washington the paralegal program is administered trough the law school and it is 3 quarters.

25 years ago i took the lsat and was ready for law school and then i learned i was pregnant. a surprise. i put off law school and devoted myself to being mommy. i had a wonderful career as an msw and have no regrets about not doing law school. but now i want something more. i want to return to work but i don't want to do social work anymore--27+ years has been enough. i have been thinking about becoming a paralegal for sometime now and in the last 4 months have seriously looked into area programs and doing a lot of talking to mr. roll and god about it.

today i went to the informational meeting at uw to learn all about their paralegal program. i walked out afterwards with a little dance in my step. i was happy. i want this. my goal is to get my transcripts to them and have the application and cover letter emailed over on thursday.

the program is 3 quarters (9 months). it's intense. i will come out knowing how to do it and hit the ground running. i want to do immigration law. i want to assist all the people in the detention centers. i am still a social worker at heart, i just want a change of work in the field of helping folks find what they need and help them get it. i am very excited.

god willing this will be my reality.

my child did not?

I love Not Me! Monday created by My Charming Kids so I’ll take this time to reflect on what I did not do this past week. Please take a moment to visit MckMama's blog to see what she has not been up to herself this week, or better yet this week is what children have not been up to. not my children, oh no they did not.

• my, at the time 27 year old son, did not wash the 100% cashmere designer sweater i bought him for christmas. and said son did not then call me asking me to please go buy him another one, at $259, because it was his favorite sweater that he wore every day. my son would never do this.
• my oldest son, the film editor, did not once again work on a johnny depp project and refuse to let me near the set. he has not done this to me five times now. my son would not do this because he knows i "heart" johnny depp.
• my youngest, son while in college in eastern washington, did not stop at a safeway on the way back home from skiing and pick out a puppy, from the "free puppies" box, and bring it home for mom to care for while he was away at school. he did not do this knowing we already had 4 fur children roaming our grounds.
• back as a fresh, in high school, my daughter did not let me spend all day on a saturday getting her hair done for the homecoming dance and not tell me what would happen to her beautifully coiffed hair when she played her volleyball game before the dance. this same daughter did not then expect me to heat a large instrument on the stove and straighten her hair. not her, never her.
• my youngest son and daughter, who are only 10 monhs apart in age, did not convince their french teacher, in high school, that they were faternal twins. said son was 5'10, blond hair, euro american while said daughter was 6', black hair, african american. they did not laugh hysterically when i was completely caught off guard when at back to school night the french teacher was clearly furious with my children after she met us, their parents.
• my youngest son did not call me last november to say i needed to come to his house to pick up his dog, the same dog he brought home from the "free puppies" box at the grocery store, because he decided spur of the moment to go to london. he then did not play the guilt card and tell me he was also going to france to see his sister. he also did not call me from scotland to tell me he was in scotland and staying a little longer than planned. not my son. my son plans ahead.
• same son did not call me in march to again tell me to come to his house and pick up his beloved dog because he decided spur of the moment to go to italy. not my son. my son plans ahead--if i say this enough will it happen?
• same son, an avid sailor and civilian large tour boat captain, did not tell me on thursday that he was considering joining the coast guard officer reserves, so he can be port commissioner someday and also so he can become a cruise ship captain, oh and they'll pay for graduate school too. what the ? i don't think so. not my son. this child did not forget about "don't ask don't tell". he did not.
• the three of them did not do a lot of things, but i am too tired now to think, let alone continue to laugh at the memories.

edit saturday . . .

writing it out helps. it really does.

of course when one writes out their immediate feelings it is not assumed that any who read will understand all that they cannot read between the lines. there is a lot between the lines of the feelings i did put to words.

i was not venting.

i was writing out my hurt. my hurting heart. my questioning of why.

why.

maybe tomorrow will be better. on occasion i get to the point of being enveloped in frustration. to the point i cannot feel. i cannot see through the fog which surrounds me. yet it doesn't block the hurt.

tomorrow will be better.

i have the song "have i told you lately that i love you" playing in my head. i so want to know, to feel that kind of love.

a day to think. a day to feel.

i woke up this morning not able to keep my eyes open. i allowed myself to drift back to sleep, but woke again shortly after. i couldn't quite make out the time on the clock, so i woke mr. roll to ask him to tell me what time it was. yawning and stretching i grabbed my book to continue reading the story of julia childs years spent in france with her beloved husband paul. i am loving this book. julia and paul were so in love and so respectful of each other. they could finish each other's thoughts. they went on picnics together. they took drives. they loved trying new restaurants. they completely supported each other in everything. they loved hard. they loved deeply.

how does one find this kind of love? do you create it? does create you? how? where? when? when is it my turn for this kind of love?

i fantasize about it.

i imagine it.

i want it so bad i make believe it is happening.

today was no different. it's saturday and we've been looking forward to going to the king county fair. our lives have been so ruled by chemo for the last five years, we are still not accustomed to the fact that we can actually make and keep plans. we went to the fair. on the way to the fair we stopped at circle-k so mr. roll could get a diet pepsi, his form of caffeine. he said he was getting a hot dog too because he was hungry, at which point i reminded him that corn dogs awaited us at the fair. he'd wait for the corn dog at the fair.

at the fair we walked around and all seemed to be going well. i had already checked out the corn dog stands and found the one i thought looked best, so when i suggested it was time to eat as i was hungry for my corn dog, mr. roll was ready to eat too. we walked on over and he asked me if i had brought money with me? i told him, "no". he hadn't either. the corn dog were $5 each and then another $4 or $5 for a drink. he had enough to get one of us something.

typical.

i had been dreaming about a fair corn dog all week. i had talked about it to mr. roll and anyone else listening. who doesn't love a fair corn dog? i'm a vegetarian and i love them. i just do.

i told mr. roll to just get one and i'd be fine. not.

i don't do martyr well. in fact, i don't do it at all. i suck at it.

especially when i thought he'd offer to share his corn dog with me. or maybe forgo on the drink and get us each a corn dog.

not.

he bought his corn dog and large drink, smothered mustard all over his corn dog and proceeded to the shade where he wolfed it all down without so much as a glance my way. stunned i walked away. hurt. stunned. mad.

seeing red. mad.

sitting on a bench over by the horse arena i went into a deep thought pattern trying to understand what happened. trying to understand why this continues to happen. trying to understand why mr. roll and i are married to each other. it's never going to change. it is always going to end like today ended. after an hour or so i walked back over, took my niece and walked over to the hypnotist, jerry harris. we laughed. she and i had fun. i needed to be hypnotized.

mr. roll and i have had a hard marriage. cancer invaded our bliss only 12 months after we were married. although we had dated for 5 years before we married , i don't believe we knew each other at all. we are so very different. cancer came. everything else was placed on a shelf and pushed in the farthest unreachable corner of a huge closet where it couldn't be seen and there was no risk of it falling off on me. i would fight cancer with every ounce of my being. study it. learn everything medical there is to know about it. fight it. never let it win. never allow it to get the better of me. i'm from hearty french peasant stock after all and i can fight it and win.

everyone believed the picture i created. me the loving wife caring for my husband with all the love i had to give. and i did.

really.

i did.

deep down i was broken. broken. a pathetic broken fool. a failed martyr. how?

i don't know what mr. roll wants, but i want love. respect. spontaneous fun. love. to feel loved. to be loved. to close my eyes and smile.

i don't remember the last time i smiled. i don't remember the last time mr. roll touched me without my asking him to. sometimes i need a hug and i will ask him for one. it such a huge request and i don't do it often as he seems uncomfortable responding. i suppose the one thing the cancer has done is afforded him the perfect excuse to not have to love me. not have to feel anything for me or about me. on the other hand, if it weren't for the cancer he could be rid of me.

why do we stay married? maybe the cancer. maybe because neither of us has any where else to go to? maybe because.

one night last week i asked mr. roll to hold my hand while we were in bed and watching a movie. his response to me was "right now i'm holding bear's paw." bear is his beloved dog. he would do anything for bear and lucy. anything. too bad he doesn't have the same feelings for his wife. his wife is a nothing more or less to him. nothing. not even worthy of half a corn dog at the fair.

is it really a corn dog that started these feelings? not at all. the corn dog simply solidified reality for today.

i can't stand being at such a loss. to feel like i am floating around aimlessly though life with no direction. not going any where. so much is expected from me in regard to caring for mr. roll and caring for my mom. i'm not worthy of this. i am the wrong person to have the job. i don't want the job anymore.

i don't know who i am anymore. i look in the mirror and i don't know who the blank face is staring back at me. she's so sad looking. what happened to me? where did i go? is this all there is? didn't i read somewhere, like in the bible, that god has a plan for my life? is this the plan? because if it is i got a raw deal. i must have done something to really make god angry if this is the payback. i want off this life.

i want someone to love me. someone to share life with me that wants to share life. i need . . . love.

a day in seattle . . .

it's been the best day today. i took mom and kelsey and we met zak in university village for lunch. we ate at zoa's, which is a vietnamese pho restaurant, and the fact that it was sunny and in the 80's today meant we could sit out on the patio. delightful.

afterwards we shopped and kelsey found a dress at the lucky store. it is so cute on her. perfect. then we went to ralph lauren and found zak some new shorts, fleece, and shirts. he's set for summer. and i must say that he wears ralph very well.

we met up with phil to board the boat for blake island and have dinner at tillicum village. dinner was a traditional salmon bake and a native dance show. it was a lot of fun. and i learned that we can camp out on blake island and take the dogs. everyone camping out there, it seemed, had dogs with them. i am so excited about this i can't wait to look into getting a tent and such to take out there. this also motivates me to get our boat cleaned for the summer. there island is only accessable by boat. we will get at least one weekend in i hope. the only down side is the weather. today was beautiful, but there is no guarantee in this area. hopeful i am.

i love a good day and today has been one of the best.

monday musings

what can better than a girls day at the spa?

i took kelsey and mom and we headed to the spa for nails, toes and massage. mom and i had fills and pedi's, kelsey had a manicure and pedi, and we all had a massage. a good friend of min, barb, was also there and we had a wonderful visit while getting our nails done. delightful.

we left the spa and went to the movie. katie has a list of movies she wants to see while she is here, so i thought we had better get started. we're going to seattle on wednesday to hang out with zak and we'll see public enemies.

i was going to make shish kabobs for dinner tonight, but we ate so much junk food at the movies we aren't even hungry at this point. guess what dinner is tomorrow night?

michael jackson. he's been gone for a few weeks now, yet his death is still front page news. i am shocked at how many stars are coming out of the woodwork to claim him as their best friend. where were they all when he was on trial for molesting young boys? i don't recall seeing any of them at the courthouse with the man. i certainly wasn't a supportive former fan. as a social worker in domestic violence i worked in a field where i believed the victim. although he was proven not guilty by his peers, i had a hard time absorbing the television interview where he claimed in natural for adults to share a bed with children not their own. doesn't sit right with me. that said, i will say that from all appearances his own children are beautiful and happy and they loved their daddy. that says a lot. i do wish the media would let the man alone and that his children could be left alone to grieve and remember the daddy they so loved.

i am still struggling with whether to contact the lds missionaries to come speak with me. do i have to have them in my home or can we meet somewhere else? starbucks? qfc? why am i so afraid to make this step? i think it's because if i do it i will have to tell mr. roll about it. i cannot keep this from him and i know he won't be happy about it, although he i don't believe he would stop me at all. he wants me to be happy and he know that i have not been for a long time now. he knows that i am struggling with my relationship with god and the church and i am searching for what is right. i have read the lds.com site over and over again. i am so drawn to salt lake city i have planned a long weekend visit this coming winter as a time to reflect and pray and seek answers. is this normal behavior? the other thing i a nervous about with the missionaries is being able to maintain control of my contact with them, and not allowing them control of contacting me. with mr. roll not moving the way i am in this, i need to be able to keep the talks out of my home. how would this all work?

i am still a pen to paper journal keeper and i have written so much about this. years of writing about it. i'm feeling it's may be time to make a choice. i need to talk to mr. roll.

Searching for God . . . in the LDS church

i was raised in the southern baptist church. we went to church sunday morning, sunday night and wednesday night. we literally never missed a sunday, and even while on vacation traveling across the country we had to stop at a church on sunday. i didn't really like the church we attended and i did not like all the rules, that were preached but not followed. i had a problem with the youth director preaching abstinence, but at church camp encouraging and allowing couples to neck madly at the picnic table. sitting in each other's lap during the programs. i was confused.

i had a good friend in school who belonged the lds church. oh how i wanted to join her church. yes there were rules, but everyone seemed to honor them and respect hem, and each other because of them. the family night seemed fun, and i tried a few times to interest my parents in trying it out but they refused. my dad went to bed early so he could get up early for work at the seabee base. my mom liked to watch payton place.

i wanted to be a mormon. i finally had the nerve to sit my mom down, in the study, and tell her. furious doesn't even touch her reaction. she came short of telling me i could no longer associate with this friend. of course she then made it hard and every time i asked to do somethign with her and her family mom had an excuse as to why i couldn't. she then sat me down to tell me all the "truth" about mormons. whatever. i was 15 at the time i stopped attending church at all. the lds church has never been far from my thoughts or my heart.

i married and we raised our children in the united methodist church and i was happy. very happy in fact. then i moved to washington 8 years ago. i church shopped, but never found a church i really cared for. we settled on a presbyterian church here in town, but again i settled.

there is a large mormon population here in town. i am drawn to it. drawn to it. i find myself reading lds sites. learning all i can. every time i see the missionaries around town i pray they will stop and talk to me. sit with me. pray with me. so far nothing.

i don't know how to shake this or if i even should. why should i? why can't i become mormon? can't people join the church at 51? from all i have read i know i can, i just need some help.

i'll keep praying. what else can i do?

The Sunday Times

today it's all about the food . . .

the smells waifing from the kitchen are exciting. i've decided to create a mexican feast for dinner tonight. simple. delicious.

on the menu are chicken enchiladas complete with verde sauce. the tomatillos are cooked and pureed. the garlic and onion added. the cilantro chopped. the jalapeno chopped. all pureed into a liquid that tastes oh so good to the palette. the chicken is roasted and ready for shredding. soon will be time to combine and mix and create the dish topping it with mexican creme. again, it all smells so very good.

the beans are boiling on the stove. the onions added to the chicken stock along with three different kinds of peppers, salt and pepper to wed them all together. the smell is making my mouth water for a taste. the tasting is the best part.

waiting to be done is the ground beef for the tacos. i have all the peppers chopped, the onion chopped and the seasonings waiting to go in when i begin. as if cooks i will cut up the avocado, green onion, lettuce, tomato and shred the jack cheese.

all-in-all a very good dinner tonight.

tameron lens give away . . .
and there is a give-away, and boy do i want this lens for my nikon. check out the link here.
http://mcpactions.com/blog/2009/07/08/win-an-slr-lens-brand-new-tamron-lens-%e2%80%93-18-270mm-or-28-300mm/#comment-15314

saturday in forks

in search of all things vampire . . .

we have been in forks, wa this weekend. we came up on friday morning and have managed to do everything that has anything, or maybe not, with twilight. forks has embraced their notoriety and made their town so welcoming to the gazillions of fans descending on them in search of their favorite vampire.

kelsey has had a great time. she is so excited to text her friends from forks and tell them all we've done and managed to see.

taking mom out of the house is't proving to be a good thing. this is the first time we've taken her anywhere since las vegas and it hasn't gone well at all. being out of her own environment has her confused and nervous. she keeps asking the same questions over and over again. she isn't really able to walk with us so mr. roll has been having to sit with her while kelsey and go in and out of the twilight shops. we've decided that we can't bring her with us anymore and we'll have to look into respite care.

all-in-all though it's a good weekend getaway and we are having a great time.

friday feelings

why me? how on earth did i end up in this position? today has been both a good day and a miserable day to endure.

kelsey arrived today. we are so excited to have her here for 10 days. unfortunately, the driver side window in my car got stuck in the down position so we had to take mr. roll's car to the airport to get her. fortunately that meant we had the perfect excuse not to take mom with us. mr. roll, at 6'5, is so tall that the seat has to be pushed all the way back for his legs so no one can sit behind him making his car not ok to have mom in while needing to have kelset in there too. so nice to not have to take mom to the airport with us.

mr. roll and i were on the list to pick kelsey up, so we we could go back to the gate and meet the plane. mom was not on the list so wouldn't be able to go back. meaning that mr. roll or i would have to sit with her. neither of us wanted to be the one to stay behind with her. mom sitting at the airport waiting is unbearable and annoying all rolled into one. she nags about how long it's taking. she threatens to walk home. she complains about the time it's taking. she threatens to walk home. at some point one gets to frustrated with her it's tempting to let her walk home. it's tempting to not yell at her and tell her to shut-up. it's like having a 120lb 2 year old, except a 2 year old can understand better what is going on. mom has no idea what is happening nor what she is saying.

god blessed us with a broken window and we were off the hook. kurt was here to watch mom and we were off to the airport. free. it doesn't happen often so we enjoyed every minute of it. after we had kelsey we headed out to lunch, then to target, then to fred meyers, and finally home 7 hours after leaving the house this morning.

tomorrow we are heading off to forks in search of vampires. i wish we had arranged for kurt to stay here with mom for the weekend, but i didn't. i thought she would be ok to take along. why do i have such a hard time accepting how bad her mental health is? she's 90. there is going to be a lot of walking invovled in our pursuit of all things vampire and i know she cannot do it, which is going to make me upset and everyone else walking on eggshells. i want this to be a fun weekend for kelsey.

i have had such high hopes for this trip. you know how you build something in your mind and then reality hits you smack in the face? this is what is going on with me right now. reality. mom. fun in forks. mr. roll had to come and tell me he just got around to making reservations and we are staying at the motel 8. i bite my tongue and didn't yell at him. i know it was hard for him to have to tell me this, as he knows in my plan we were staying somewhere nice, and he had to break it to me that there was no room at any of the better inns. it seems everyone is heading to forks, this weekend, in seach of vampires. add this to my list of complaints.

vent it out and let it go. let it go. let it go. don't ruin this for kelsey. we are not spending time at the motel, we are only sleeping there with the dogs no less. let it go.

we'll still eat good food--absolutely no chain junk and no fast food and gor goodness sake no subway. how does mr. roll stomach that crap? they use fake meat and i don't even eat real meat. we'll eat good food and enjoy each others company. we'll walk a lot. talk a lot. laugh a lot. and we'll have fun in forks in search of vampires.

i will find my good place. i will get to bed early and sleep well tonight so i have rested and in a good mood for the day ahead. lord, please be with me. be with me tomorrow as you have been today. it's all good in god's hands.

tuesday thoughts

zak, my youngest son, sent me this picture that he took of me in chicago. we had been up since 3:00am, as we had to be at united arena (where the bulls play) by 4am. we were waiting for our dinner cruise to begin boarding and i was exhausted. i look like i'm in a daze, but i still like the picture.

mr. roll has been so sick. i had him to the doctor on monday (also had a test done on myself and it came back that i indeed have a uti, which is not a good thing for me as i have kidney disease and have recently gone septic.) mr. roll's condition is much more serious than mine. he has colon cancer that has spread to both his lungs and his cough is getting worse. painful. louder. painful for me to hear, so i knew it was time to call.

we had tried to call on friday, but the office was closed for the 4th holiday weekend. mr. roll didn't want to do the emergency room because his care is "different" from your average person showing up with a bad cough. he needed to see his oncologist or primary care doctor both which obviously know he has cancer and how it's being treated, and know that he doesn't have bronchitis.

after we left the doctor's office we headed on down the hill it ikea. i've been needing to get there for a week now to buy a futon. my niece is coming on thursday and we needed to get a futon for her to sleep on in the office. we've been wanting to get this for over a year now, so her visiting forced us to get going on it. in the process i am also cleaning up the office. i've told mr. roll that he is to keep it clean. i think that is one of those instructions that goes in one ear and out the other. oh well.

today i went back to physical therapy. i should have been back long ago, but i let my fear of failure and falling keep me away. linda, my pt is amazing and is already figuring out what to do to help me walk better. she is also agreeing that the yoga is perfect for me, in fact she asked me to please tell my good friend, kim, about it and encourage her to go wtih me. kim and i were meeting at starbucks, after i was done with pt, and linda joined us so we all talked about the benefits of yoga for people suffering from or recovering from serious illness and injury. kim is coming with me tomorrow to yoga. i am very happy.

and i didn't fall one time at physical therapy. i trust linda, for one, but i was able to and in fact did even better walking when i didn't try so hard to do it. i am going to get better. i know i am. it's been forever since i felt like this.

saturday holiday

we were invited over to linda's today for a bbq. actually this is what we do every 4th of july. linda has a new home it was wonderful to see her looking so beautiful. so healthy. enjoying life with a new man. a christian man.

mr. roll is sick but he came along with me. i think he enjoyed getting out of the house for a bit and even eating a lot of good good great food. i took along my ice cream maker and made blueberrie ice cream and it was a big hit. i haven't made ice cream is so long i am surprised i remembered how. it was good. i think tomorrow i am going to make peach ice cream. my dad made the best peach ice cream with peaches from his yard--it was so good. i will try to recreate it.

tonight i had a little xanga upset. i blogged on xanga for several years and was actively involved in a blogging community. i truely loved the group. my youngest son came out to me 5 years ago, on the day after christmas. he is gay. it wasn't a shock or anything else and all was and still is good. i was very open with my real-life-friends, most of whom knowmy son. i was not open with the online friends that i met through xanga. my gut feeling was that it wouldn't be ok. they were for the most part very conservative. looking back i can't imagine how i even became friends with 99.9% of them, but i did.

i told a woman i had come to love like my sister. i never heard from her again. not only that but she told someone else. i was dropped like a hot potato. questions they demanded answers to like, "how can you allow your sinning son and his friends to come into your home?" whats on earth gives a christian the right to ask me a question like that? i have been judged. i have had emails sent to me that have offended me. hurt me. i have felt so vulnerable.

i eventually walked away. walked out of xanga. i didn't close my blog, i simply stopped going to it. then i came to blogspot, by way of momlogic. i wanted to respond to someone, so i opened a blog. now i use it.

while i do not go to my blog, i do still follow al the blogs on xanga i was subbed to. yes, this means i still read the blogs of the people who have judged me. i do this because i am still interested in what they are doing. what i have learned though is they may call themselves christian but thei actions speak louder than their words. they are angry, hurtful, evil filled people who would rather judge another than try to love and understand them. coming to this realization has been good for me. so good that i am ready to not read the blogs anymore and at least unsub from them all. in doing this i will be gone from xanga once and for all.

this evening i decided to go to a few of the blogs i was cloest to the authors on. one woman in particular i assumned we were still friends. maybe i had my head in the sand, i mean she hasn't responded to 3 messages. tonight, reading her blog and the comments of two others besides myself i saw thatshe had responded to them together to thank them for their support, etc. she completely ignored me as if i wasn't there. in her world i don't exisit so i am not there.

my heart is broken. sad. i feel so awful about myself. in the big picture i cannot be friends with these people if they can't accept that i have gay son that i love. i have a gay son that comes to my house to visit me. he calls me. he comes out here on his day off, about once a month, to take his 90 year old grandma out to lunch. honestly these people would be hard pressed to find something complainable about him. he graduated from college and he has a great job that he loves and they love him. how can a group of christians decide i am the unforgivable sinner simply because they don't like that i love and have a close relationship with my son, who happens to be gay. talk about wwjd? certainly not what they are doing.

i'm sad that this one particular woman has chosen to end our friendship. we live on opposite sides of the country so we were never able to meet in person, but we had a healthy online friendship. or so i thought.

the other issue for me is that these, so called christians, have spent a lot of time discussing me with one another so they could decide on a spokesperson for the group. in the real world this is called gossiping, but boy did the spokesperson set me straight when i called that out. i like nothing worse than someone quoting scripture at me instead of answering me straightout.

that is off my chest now.

friday feelings

can it really be july 3rd already?

today was 90 degrees outside. we don't get a lot of days like this here in western washington. i love them.

i spent the morning cleaning up upstairs and trying to get it ready for kelsey to get here. on sunday we have to make a trip to ikea to buy a new bed to put in the office so she has something to sleep on. i am so excited for her to come. our first stop, after picking her up at the airport, is forks, washington. kelsey is the biggest twilight fan and cannot wait to visit forks and see where edward and bella came to life. i am thrilled to be able to do this with her.

we'll stay in port angeles for the weekend and then come bac home. we have a lot of things planned to do with her while she is here. i want her to have the best time!

today i took mom out to bonney lake to do some shopping. i ended up at marshells where i found yoga shoes and several new yoga pants and tops. i also found a dress to wear to the bbq at linda's house tomorrow, and of course shoes to go with it. and being as i am not the most patriotic person, it is not red, white, or blue. it's pretty. feminine and pretty. mr. roll will love it.

linda hosts a bbq every 4th of july and i love a potluck. tomorrow i am taking pesto pasta salad, deviled eggs, salsa and chips, and i baked a lemonade cake and will frost it tomorrow with whipped cream, blueberries and strawberries.

mr. roll and i were supposed to go out to dinner tonight at salty's for our anniversary. were supposed to go. we didn't go. he is sick. sick. sick. i hate cancer so much. he assures me he really wants to go out with me to celebrate and we will. he promised we will. it will be random though depending on when he is having a good day. the joys of living with cancer. i want my husband to be better. to feel good.

wednesday wine

another beautiful day here on the plateau.

i was up early and off to starbucks for my regular triple grande latte, and then off to yoga. came home and grabed mom to run off to the market. mom loves to go to the market. then it was back home.

pulling up to the house i noticedthat bear was outside and i had a little panic attack. you see, bear will stay in the yard,l but his cohorts lucy and harley do not stay in the yard and escape by digging under the fence. yikes. thankfully as i darted for the front door i saw kurt's bicycle in the driveway and realized that he had let the dogs out and all was well.

kurt is mom's caregiver and a blessing to us all. whie he was with mom the rest of day, sitting out on the deck reading the bible and then playing dominos, i was able to get some work done. i took my laptop out to the backyard and worked at the table, trying to get a paper done for entry in the paralegal program at the university of washington. i have got to get this sent off asap!

of course the garden called me . . . so i did a little gardening. quess what i found when i began racking som leaves from a far corner? pumpkins! pumpkins i planted 2 years ago have come back to life this year. they have been sheltered from the elements with all the maple leaves on top of them and they survived and the plants look beautiful. i am thrilled.

dinner tonight is chicago style deep dish pizza. zak and i ate at pissaria uno while we were in chicago and it was the best pizza ever! so i looked up the recipe online and made it tonight. it smells so good. i made an antipasta salad to go with it. delicious.

blessings.