Monday, July 13, 2009

monday musings

what can better than a girls day at the spa?

i took kelsey and mom and we headed to the spa for nails, toes and massage. mom and i had fills and pedi's, kelsey had a manicure and pedi, and we all had a massage. a good friend of min, barb, was also there and we had a wonderful visit while getting our nails done. delightful.

we left the spa and went to the movie. katie has a list of movies she wants to see while she is here, so i thought we had better get started. we're going to seattle on wednesday to hang out with zak and we'll see public enemies.

i was going to make shish kabobs for dinner tonight, but we ate so much junk food at the movies we aren't even hungry at this point. guess what dinner is tomorrow night?

michael jackson. he's been gone for a few weeks now, yet his death is still front page news. i am shocked at how many stars are coming out of the woodwork to claim him as their best friend. where were they all when he was on trial for molesting young boys? i don't recall seeing any of them at the courthouse with the man. i certainly wasn't a supportive former fan. as a social worker in domestic violence i worked in a field where i believed the victim. although he was proven not guilty by his peers, i had a hard time absorbing the television interview where he claimed in natural for adults to share a bed with children not their own. doesn't sit right with me. that said, i will say that from all appearances his own children are beautiful and happy and they loved their daddy. that says a lot. i do wish the media would let the man alone and that his children could be left alone to grieve and remember the daddy they so loved.

i am still struggling with whether to contact the lds missionaries to come speak with me. do i have to have them in my home or can we meet somewhere else? starbucks? qfc? why am i so afraid to make this step? i think it's because if i do it i will have to tell mr. roll about it. i cannot keep this from him and i know he won't be happy about it, although he i don't believe he would stop me at all. he wants me to be happy and he know that i have not been for a long time now. he knows that i am struggling with my relationship with god and the church and i am searching for what is right. i have read the site over and over again. i am so drawn to salt lake city i have planned a long weekend visit this coming winter as a time to reflect and pray and seek answers. is this normal behavior? the other thing i a nervous about with the missionaries is being able to maintain control of my contact with them, and not allowing them control of contacting me. with mr. roll not moving the way i am in this, i need to be able to keep the talks out of my home. how would this all work?

i am still a pen to paper journal keeper and i have written so much about this. years of writing about it. i'm feeling it's may be time to make a choice. i need to talk to mr. roll.


  1. Mari, I found you through CJane's blog. Isn't she wonderful? :)
    I just wanted to quickly answer a couple questions you asked in your posts... No, you do not have to have the missionaries in your home. Many times the "discussions" happen in homes of members of the LDS church, and I'm sure that someone in your area would be more than happy to host the discussions for you. Second, I think that a trip to Salt Lake City would be a wonderful experience. I have always loved visiting there because you can feel in the air that it is a special city. If you would like suggestions on places that might be interesting to visit while in SLC, please let me know. I'd be happy to share a few of my favorite places.
    I read on one of your earlier posts that someone told you not to join the LDS Church. You will find that many people have strong opinions against the Church (it sounds like you already knew this...your mom didn't care for the idea, huh?!) I can't tell you what to believe, and neither can anyone else. You have to search it out in your heart, pray to our Father in Heaven, and then make the decision on your own. I can only tell you that my greatest happiness has come because I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I know it is the one true Church on this Earth. It is truly lead by a prophet of God and it provides the perspective I need so that I can make choices based on eternal principles, rather than making choices based entirely on what is happening this moment in my life. I can see more clearly because I know where I came from and where I want to go. It has been a supernal gift in my life.
    I know this was long, but I wanted to make sure that I added my feelings. I applaud you for seeking truth and I am confident that as you turn to the Lord and listen to the quiet workings of your soul, you will find the truth you seek. Best wishes. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you or answer for you, I'm happy to help! :)

  2. I found you through Moriah's blog...
    I have read back through your last couple of posts and my heart hurts for you. I am praying for direction, peace and courage for you.
    I think it is all too easy for us to be distracted by people, rules, and "religious acts". God is relational. He desires a love relationship with us. Relationships require time...with only Him. A "church" or gathering of people is encouraging...but not required.
    Your salvation can only come through a conversation with Him. Others can pray with you *as I promise to do* but I hope that you don't look for a specific group of believers at this point...just learn more about Jesus. The One who died on your behalf.
    I am NOT claiming to know it all *no human can* but I would be more than willing to walk this journey with you. :0)