Saturday, July 4, 2009

saturday holiday

we were invited over to linda's today for a bbq. actually this is what we do every 4th of july. linda has a new home it was wonderful to see her looking so beautiful. so healthy. enjoying life with a new man. a christian man.
mr. roll is sick but he came along with me. i think he enjoyed getting out of the house for a bit and even eating a lot of good good great food. i took along my ice cream maker and made blueberrie ice cream and it was a big hit. i haven't made ice cream is so long i am surprised i remembered how. it was good. i think tomorrow i am going to make peach ice cream. my dad made the best peach ice cream with peaches from his yard--it was so good. i will try to recreate it.
tonight i had a little xanga upset. i blogged on xanga for several years and was actively involved in a blogging community. i truely loved the group. my youngest son came out to me 5 years ago, on the day after christmas. he is gay. it wasn't a shock or anything else and all was and still is good. i was very open with my real-life-friends, most of whom knowmy son. i was not open with the online friends that i met through xanga. my gut feeling was that it wouldn't be ok. they were for the most part very conservative. looking back i can't imagine how i even became friends with 99.9% of them, but i did.
i told a woman i had come to love like my sister. i never heard from her again. not only that but she told someone else. i was dropped like a hot potato. questions they demanded answers to like, "how can you allow your sinning son and his friends to come into your home?" whats on earth gives a christian the right to ask me a question like that? i have been judged. i have had emails sent to me that have offended me. hurt me. i have felt so vulnerable.
i eventually walked away. walked out of xanga. i didn't close my blog, i simply stopped going to it. then i came to blogspot, by way of momlogic. i wanted to respond to someone, so i opened a blog. now i use it.
while i do not go to my blog, i do still follow al the blogs on xanga i was subbed to. yes, this means i still read the blogs of the people who have judged me. i do this because i am still interested in what they are doing. what i have learned though is they may call themselves christian but thei actions speak louder than their words. they are angry, hurtful, evil filled people who would rather judge another than try to love and understand them. coming to this realization has been good for me. so good that i am ready to not read the blogs anymore and at least unsub from them all. in doing this i will be gone from xanga once and for all.
this evening i decided to go to a few of the blogs i was cloest to the authors on. one woman in particular i assumned we were still friends. maybe i had my head in the sand, i mean she hasn't responded to 3 messages. tonight, reading her blog and the comments of two others besides myself i saw thatshe had responded to them together to thank them for their support, etc. she completely ignored me as if i wasn't there. in her world i don't exisit so i am not there.
my heart is broken. sad. i feel so awful about myself. in the big picture i cannot be friends with these people if they can't accept that i have gay son that i love. i have a gay son that comes to my house to visit me. he calls me. he comes out here on his day off, about once a month, to take his 90 year old grandma out to lunch. honestly these people would be hard pressed to find something complainable about him. he graduated from college and he has a great job that he loves and they love him. how can a group of christians decide i am the unforgivable sinner simply because they don't like that i love and have a close relationship with my son, who happens to be gay. talk about wwjd? certainly not what they are doing.
i'm sad that this one particular woman has chosen to end our friendship. we live on opposite sides of the country so we were never able to meet in person, but we had a healthy online friendship. or so i thought.
the other issue for me is that these, so called christians, have spent a lot of time discussing me with one another so they could decide on a spokesperson for the group. in the real world this is called gossiping, but boy did the spokesperson set me straight when i called that out. i like nothing worse than someone quoting scripture at me instead of answering me straightout.
that is off my chest now.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the encouraging words on my "botox" lips. :O)

    I don't know how you made your way to my blog, but after reading your post I am grateful that you did. I have tears in my eyes as I read your words about your son. I have a wonderful son who is gay, too. I love him more than words can describe. I have had some moments that have been negative, but I am so glad that the people I care the most about support my son and continue to be my friends. The church I belong to doesn't support gay lifestyles, but I have been fortunate to have the support and love of most of them. Thanks again for dropping by--come again.